To not help my friend- passport fraud

[Ravenblue]

My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month. My friend is now married and she changed her kids name to her new husbands name. The father has found out and is now going back to the courts. She also got a passport in the new name and the father nows this. The father is now going to the police as he says its passport fraud. I dont believe him as she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.
She wants my help in trying to get her out of this but I dont know how and also I don't think shes in the wrong.

AIBU?

I actually do feel for her because there was a prior arrangement. Unfortunately it sounds like there was nothing legally binding meaning that he has been able to waltz back in her life because he changed his mind and claim a court order.
I would stick with being a friend, giving her a listening ear but not much other involvement you can do. It all sounds complicated with the legalities of it.

It wasn't a case of using a sperm donor. She had a short relationship with the father of her child, which was arranged solely for the purposes of creating that child. Any "contract" on the website she met him through can't override his responsibilities as the father of that child.

All you can do to help your friend is listen to her and try to advise her based on the facts of the situation. If she has done something fraudulent, the only option is to own up to it and try to put it right and then move on from there.

So your friend didn’t follow an official pathway but decided to have unprotected sex with some random off the internet. You can’t protect or defend your friend from her own stupidity.

If he’s on the birth certificate then I don’t think she does have the right to change her child’s name, I think it requires both parents’ consent. And while he may have originally agreed to no contact, as this was absolutely not a sperm donor arrangement he does have the right to change his mind and he’s now having regular contact and paying maintenance. I’m afraid I think she’s the one in the wrong here. But your role is just to support your friend emotionally and otherwise stay well out of it, there’s nothing you can do and it’s a matter for the court.

option A -- find a new friend
option B -- Marry your friend
option C -- get a date for your 'friend' with Jeremy Clarkson
option D -- go on a date with one of the Spice Girls
option E -- look up Elon Musk and go to Mars

Probably Tinder.

Can't be arsed with the rest. The 'friend' will find out that the Law outranks her and her mate's opinion soon enough.

I’m confused in how you can help?

If she can’t do it, she can’t do it - I assume she knew it beforehand if it says so on the court order?

This is truly a case of FAFO. Poor kid.

she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.

The court order is what's important here.

Stay out of it-you can sympathise but little else. She is wrong and there's no way around that.

He's not a 'sperm donor'. They might have met that way but they had sex before during and after and she wanted a relationship.

He is an involved father - has been to court to protect his and his child's rights, has regular contact with his child and pays maintenance. You even call him "the dad" in your second post.

Their child has a right to relationship with their father too.

Of course she can't do things like change names without his consent - this is his child too.

She needs to accept that they are co-parents of this child and she needs to accept that she can't break the law.

All you can do is listen and advise that she sees a solicitor.

FFs this just gets worse. some people should be allowed to breed, because this is all this is.

Nobody will be interested in this alleged passport fraud. Best it will just get fixed, but she’s not going to get sent to the tower or OFF with her head

The actual lesson is, go through proper channels when you use a sperm donor.

I had children with a sperm donor (obtained through a sperm bank, nothing dodgy about it), and the kids are healthy and happy.

I did meet a partner later on but seeing as she's a woman, she wouldn't have gotten me very far on the baby making aspect.

I dislike your suggestion that the only "proper" family unit is the traditional one with a dad, a mom and 1.7 children.

My children are wonderful and I am thankful everyday that I don't have to beg permission from an ex everytime I need to breathe.

If this is true, and I have huge doubts due to the timings (2 yrs since deciding this, getting pregnant, having baby and subsequently meeting someone and getting married), then I wouldn't feel sorry for her at all. She should have gone to a legitimate, licensed sperm donation clinic in the first place. She's brought this all on herself, and now she has to reap the consequences.

What name did the baby originally have?

This... especially this child can't be even a year and half old, and the 'friend' has met and married someone new already...
Is he wealthy too? How was she planning to provide for her dc with 'no money'?

Encourage her to get proper legal advice and then stay out of it all. It sounds messy, are they really putting the child first here?
The ‘sperm donor’ plan didn’t really work out for her when she continued to have a sexual relationship with him and then wanted a real relationship with him. If he’s paying child maintenance and has an agreement set up with the court then she should seek legal advice.

There is nothing you can do to help her and she has acted illegally if she changed the name without the father's permission.

She put herself into this entire situation, so needs to just deal with it

What does she want you to do?

Your 'friend' sounds extraordinarily dim at best, recklessly dangerous at worst.
Don't get involved, any advice you give her could potentially be used against you if things don't go her way (they won't).

@Maxorias im not saying that at all. Famiilys are what they are definitely notnjust a mum and dad. I feel sorry for her because shes obviously made stupid decisions. She did ask me to sign the passport form but I didnt. Im more worried for the kid. I wouldnt want mine being in this situation. Yes she got married quickly but shes had a few relationships between the father and her husband. She tried claiming the kid wasn't his at court but dna proved that he was.
Im just going to stay out of it. Shws done other things to the dad to try and get rid of him and shes lost other friends doing that. I have a job and family. Shes just called.me again and I cant do with the stress. I did try and tell her not to.

I dont know what she wants me to do but shes been on the phone crying to me.

You haven't even been asked to help! Good day to you!

She sounds awful. Everything of what she wants and no thought to others. She's put her child in this situation, sounds like shes punishing the father for not wanting a relationship with her but with the child. Should have gone down actual sperm donor route of insemination if she wanted no father on the scene for whatever reason.

She can't change the kids name without his permission, and if her husband is being mean about it then she's chosen a prize hasn't she to be in childrens life.

shes had a few relationships between the father and her husband

within 2 years she’s had a baby, had a few other relationships, got married and then changed the baby’s name/got baby a passport?

She’s been reckless to have a child with him in the first place, she’s ballsed it up from the start. I don’t disagree with you, I am pointing out the law. She’s at fault here, she went via an unlicensed route and now this is the situation in which she finds herself. She shouldn’t have chosen a random to have a child with should she? That’s what this all comes down to.

Best thing you can do is start a savings plan for the inevitable therapy this poor child is going to need in the future.