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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my friend- passport fraud

242 replies

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 11:54

My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month. My friend is now married and she changed her kids name to her new husbands name. The father has found out and is now going back to the courts. She also got a passport in the new name and the father nows this. The father is now going to the police as he says its passport fraud. I dont believe him as she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.
She wants my help in trying to get her out of this but I dont know how and also I don't think shes in the wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Anonomoso · 11/08/2025 12:25

She can NOT change the babies babe without his permission.

Agree..

A friend remarried and had to get her DC's father to give permission for her to change their DC's surname to her married one. I was asked to be a witness to it.

It's not a matter of just filling in paperwork and job done, it has to be done legally via the solicitor/courts.

Leeds2 · 11/08/2025 12:26

How did she manage to get the baby's name changed without having the father's permission?

MyDeftDuck · 11/08/2025 12:27

Stay out of it…….too much legal entanglement that you clearly don’t understand for you to be of any constructive help to her. Leave it to the professionals

ElectoralControversy · 11/08/2025 12:31

Like previous posters have said that's not sperm donation.

Did she just find someone to have unprotected sex with her,. essentially?

MarieAndTwinette · 11/08/2025 12:32

Not to derail but she had a baby with a stranger who sees the daughter every month? I am sorry but I would not allow that. He may have acted as donor for a reason.

Manxexile · 11/08/2025 12:33

@Ravenblue - "My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month..."

Right. Your friend "wanted a new baby" so she went and found a sperm donor on the internet, but your friend wanted nothing to do with the donor after insemination, and then the courts gave this anonymous donor access to the child?

Is this in the UK or are you somewhere else?

[Edit: I agree with others - stay well clear as you obviously don't have a clue. Your friend sounds awful - but tell her to get legal advice]

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 11/08/2025 12:34

MarieAndTwinette · 11/08/2025 12:32

Not to derail but she had a baby with a stranger who sees the daughter every month? I am sorry but I would not allow that. He may have acted as donor for a reason.

If you don't want to deal with co-parenting with someone, don't have a child with them.

Blueblell · 11/08/2025 12:34

Presumably she wasn’t expecting the sperm donor to part of the child’s life so that seems odd. She obviously needed his permission to change the name by deed poll. However when I did this they just accepted an email from their dad confirming agreement which seemed quite lax (was a while ago) with the deed poll documents it was straightforward to apply for the passport.

She may not have actually committed passport fraud as the name had been changed. The crime was not getting permission. Her best course of action would be to get the dad on side and agree to double barrelling? And a new deedpoll

Arlanymor · 11/08/2025 12:34

MarieAndTwinette · 11/08/2025 12:32

Not to derail but she had a baby with a stranger who sees the daughter every month? I am sorry but I would not allow that. He may have acted as donor for a reason.

It’s court appointed, you wouldn’t be able to ‘allow it’ or not, it’s legally sanctioned that the father can see the child. Whatever his reasoning for the donation (and it’s sound less and less legit anyway) he clearly wants to be in the child’s life. If the mother didn’t want this she should have gone to a licensed clinic, which would have avoided all of this situation.

Original poster
Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 12:35

I have no legal training ans I dont work for the passport office. I dont know what she wants me to do but shes been on the phone crying to me. She met him through an unofficial sperm donor website. She signed up that she wanted a baby and they had sex until she was pregnant and after it as well. She wanted a relationship but he didnt. Theres even a contract on the website that he signed so say he didnt want to have anything to do with the kid but he changed his mind. Hes on the birth certificate now as the court made it happen. I feel sorry for her because shes really upset and her husband is being really mean.

I dont know how to help her but I feel mean for not helping.

The dad pays maintenance and he sticks to the court order. He's got a big job and money and my friend doesnt. I want to help but dont know how. She doesn't have the money to get a lawywer.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 11/08/2025 12:36

Stay out of it. Sounds like she used some very dodgy website and took no legal advice at all.

Did she actually put the "donor" on the birth certificate? Why on earth did she do that? Was it a proper and anonymous donor or someone she agreed to have unprotected sex with?

It all sounds very dodgy and fuckwitted. Poor child.

HappyintheHills · 11/08/2025 12:38

And her husband is being mean to her? WTF

BlueandPinkSwan · 11/08/2025 12:38

I just find the whole saga quite revolting, Is this really what is best for the child?
Created like a commodity and now pushed pillar to post with names and at least one useless parent and the other who would pick a sperm donor from god knows where.
That poor child.

LBFseBrom · 11/08/2025 12:38

purplecorkheart · 11/08/2025 11:57

Do not get involved. There is nothing you can do that would be helpful.

I agree.

A lesson to all, don't use a sperm donor. Either have a baby naturally with someone you care about, or don't.

Nobody has the right to have a child. I feel sorry for this one, not for either of his or her parents.

Rosecoffeecup · 11/08/2025 12:38

Well you can't do anything practical can you, so just be a friend and listen to her moaning about her own stupid actions

AgentJohnson · 11/08/2025 12:39

Do not get involved!!!! I wouldn’t trust your friend as far as I could throw her.

It sounds like the biological father has PR, which means she doesn’t have the right to unilaterally change her child’s name. Applying for a passport under a false pretence (circumnavigating the PR of the other parent by using a the name of a third party) is fraud. I changed my name when I was 18 and 45 years later I still have to reference my old name when renewing my passport.

If the courts are involved, they won’t look too kindly on your friend’s behaviour. I suspect her want for your involvement is to corroborate a falsehood. Your friend isn’t the victim here and she will get you in trouble if you let her.

familylawyer01392 · 11/08/2025 12:40

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 11:54

My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month. My friend is now married and she changed her kids name to her new husbands name. The father has found out and is now going back to the courts. She also got a passport in the new name and the father nows this. The father is now going to the police as he says its passport fraud. I dont believe him as she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.
She wants my help in trying to get her out of this but I dont know how and also I don't think shes in the wrong.

AIBU?

Hi, even though it is not in a court order, if F is on the child's birth certificate (I presume he is since they went through court proceedings), your friend cannot change her child's name without his agreement. How has she managed to do this? F is correct.

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2025 12:41

She doesn't have the right to do anything regarding the child, unless he has had his PR removed, usually done because of abuse etc.
Having a good solicitor wouldn't make a difference. Your advice to her should be to follow the law, accept the child is half his and apologise to move forward.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/08/2025 12:41

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/08/2025 12:05

Why is it not fair on her? He is the child’s father, whether she likes it or not.

Surely it depends on what the arrangement was when he donated his sperm. If they used a Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) licensed clinic, he would not:

  • be the legal parent of any child born
  • have any legal obligation to any child born
  • have any rights over how the child will be brought up
  • be asked to support the child financially
  • be named on the birth certificate

If it was an informal arrangement between the two of them, he may have agreed to donate his sperm with no expectation of having any rights to the child and then he changed his mind and took her to court. She may have agreed that he could be involved with the child and then changed her mind.

Whatever the circumstances in this case, I don't think OP should get involved.

ETA - I posted this before I saw OP's second post. It all sounds like a complete mess.

MarieAndTwinette · 11/08/2025 12:41

Arlanymor · 11/08/2025 12:34

It’s court appointed, you wouldn’t be able to ‘allow it’ or not, it’s legally sanctioned that the father can see the child. Whatever his reasoning for the donation (and it’s sound less and less legit anyway) he clearly wants to be in the child’s life. If the mother didn’t want this she should have gone to a licensed clinic, which would have avoided all of this situation.

Show quote history

Do you see what I am getting at? A random offers to father a child as a favour then insists on seeing the child? This mum could be putting her child in danger. She has been reckless to say the least.

Rosecoffeecup · 11/08/2025 12:42

Also this happened 2 years ago and shes already married to a new fella? Jesus wept

purplecorkheart · 11/08/2025 12:43

The only helpful thing you can do is suggest she gets proper legal advice. Do not get involved. Your friend at best does not sound very bright or at worst is downright dangerous who can land a load of trouble to your door. Stay out of it.

jacks11 · 11/08/2025 12:43

What you or your friend think actually makes little difference- the only thing that matters is the legally binding court order. If he has been granted parental rights, then yes he does get a say in decisions about their child. Not her child, their child.

She does not have to like it, but breaching the court order will have consequences. Committing fraud- I.e. telling the passport office lies (e.g. that either father had agreed to name change, which must have involved something like forging signature if that did happen) also comes with serious consequences. Not liking the law or the terms of the court order does not mean you can chose to ignore it without consequence. I would have thought this is just basic knowledge- laws and court orders need to be adhered to, or you face the consequences. If your friend does not agree with the terms of the court order, she could have tried to have it changed legally. If she tried and failed, she either appeals that decision or puts up with it.

Your friend cannot have gone down the formal/legal sperm donor route, if you are in the UK, because he would not have been granted parental rights had that been the case. From the sounds of it she has gone down an informal/ DIY route without proper legal agreements in place. When you do so, you leave yourself open to complications, as she has found out. She might not like it, it might not be “fair” from her POV, but the court will act in the child’s best interests and not just on your friends wishes. They have clearly decided the child has a right to know their father, who wishes to have contact with his child. That’s the end of it, unless your friend can prove he is in some way dangerous or harmful to their child.

Manxexile · 11/08/2025 12:43

@Ravenblue - "... She met him through an unofficial sperm donor website. She signed up that she wanted a baby and they had sex until she was pregnant and after it as well. She wanted a relationship but he didnt..."

You first described him as a "donor" as if this was some artificial insemination process, but now you are saying they had physical sex until she was pregnant.

That is a relationship - not just being a donor! 😅

BlankBlankBlank14 · 11/08/2025 12:43

And people are told not to offer dogs for sake on the internet and your friend thought it was a good idea to get a baby from one? She’s brought this on herself, lots of blurred lines. She’s not going to cut this father out of the child’s life.