To feel inconvenienced by a tragic accident?

[OnemargarIta]

I'm currently in Italy (staying in Rome) for three nights. It's my first foreign break in a warm country and I've been so excited and saved up especially.

We booked an excursion for today consisting of a trip to Sorrento where we'd spend time exploring, visiting shops and enjoying local food - and then on to Pompeii on the route back.

We've spent the whole morning/day so far stuck in traffic on the motor way. We are so behind schedule we can now no longer go to Sorrento first because Pompeii closes at 5.30 and there won't be time. A sit down restaurant meal will now be replaced by a takeaway which will be eaten on the coach.

We've just been told the cause of the traffic jam and it's because somebody has died in a collision on the motorway.

Instead of feeling saddened about the loss of life I just feel inconvenienced and pissed off that the highlight of my trip has been ruined.

Does this make me a shitty person? It just occurred that it might 😳

The answer to that is totally irrelevant. Partly because how the hell is OP supposed to know? But mainly because the deceased person may be an innocent victim going about their day. And even if it was someone being a twat, that doesn't mean they deserve for their life to be cut out just like that.

Not here to comment on the tragedy.
Sorrento this time of year is a nightmare - absolutely rammed. I have been a few times and would never go in August again.
The historic part is the most important part of the trip.

Whenever I drive past a car accident on the motorway I always hope that no one has been seriously injured, I don’t know who they are, it’s just part of being human.

But OP didn't see anything, like you did.

It's only when we hear the details of names, pictures, etc that most people can empathise.

Any traffic jam is usually an inconvenience. But my gosh what a small one compared to the poor people involved. It's okay to feel disappointed about your trip but I would also be feeling thankful that that's the only affect it's had on me.

It was mildly annoying having to put up with months of public hysteria in August 1997, and TV being rescheduled, with Diana. My dad lost his Sunday morning lie in, because hymns had to changed at the last moment to something sombre.

You have my sympathy, though. In a world where we have to work very hard to make ends meet, it’s annoying when our precious leisure time is disrupted by something like this.

Tbf i feel inconvenienced if the trains are knocked out due to "passenger action".
I'm not particularly empathetic though, and id probably be annoyed at the hold up too.

I mean, people die on the roads every single day. I can imagine that you're gutted that it happened on the road between you and the one chance you had to see the thing you were looking forward to the most on your holiday. So, no judgement from me - it's not like your feelings on the matter change anything.

You can't help feeling disappointed, that is an immediate reaction,it will pass and tomorrow you will be feeling sad about the accident.

I'm sure you'll still have a good time and you have the rest of your holiday to enjoy.

I have been on a very delayed train where it was clear that it was because someone had jumped in front of a train on the railway line ahead of us. I felt some irritation because it fucked with my plans; but I also always feel really sorry for all the people who have to deal with it (not just the people immediately impacted (friends, family) but also all the emergency services, and the people who have to deal with pissed off passengers) -- it's a horrible situation for everyone, for different reasons. I try quite hard to let go of things that are outside of my control, and consider things from other people's point of view. It is grounding to do so and makes me less cross and irritated generally about stuff, and I think it's never a bad thing to flex your empathy muscles. When I got home I found out it was someone I knew.

OP: totally get being pissed off about the impact on your short stay. That's totally reasonable. However, the complete lack of empathy and accepting your lack of control over the situation -- not so much.

How can something you think make you a shitty human being? I’ve groaned at my train journey being delayed for hours by a suicide while feeling sad for the person who died. It’s natural.

Well, being good or bad is I think a decision, not a state of being.

What you think about the situation doesn't really matter - it doesn't effect anyone else.

As long as you resolutely act like others' lives are more important than you own convenience, which I hope you do, it doesn't really matter whether you feel like they are, or not....

It's interesting you ask this, tho. Is it something that worries you - that you may not have standard emotional reactions to things? May be worth seeking counselling if so. A diagnosis may help you come to terms with any differences you may have.

I think you can feel both sympathetic to and inconvenienced by terrible happenings. I remember many years ago I turned up at my DC's nursery to find it was shut with no notice because a staff member had died. She was a lovely women, I was upset to hear about her death and completely understood why the nursery was shut. But I was still expected to be at work that morning so was in the position of having to try to find someone to look after my DC with less than 30 mins notice. That stressed me quite a lot. I mean I didn't ring the nursery manager and complain or anything but after the initial shock of the news my next though was definitely "And what the hell am I supposed to do now?" The two emotions aren't mutually exclusive.

I think the idea that the tour operator sold you this trip (doing Pompeii and Sorrento) in one day from Rome is crazy. It’s a long way to go in one day. We did Pompeii from Sorrento (an half day trip in itself not including meal stops) and it’s easily accessible by train from Naples. The roads around Sorrento are really busy and hug the mountainside so incredibly busy in high summer. Maybe consider a weekend in Naples another time to do Pompeii. It’s well worth it.

I would be disappointed too @OnemargarIta at missing pompeii

Just to say that is a trip that is going to be fraught with problems anyway. We just did a multi centre holiday Rome then Pompeii. The drive to Naples took over 6 hours because of road works and various queues. Agree that Sorrento isn’t worth it. Enjoy Pompeii, but you won’t get much time there. You may miss the queue if you are late though. I would be complaining to the tour company about the trip being impractical especially in the summer holidays - there is no contingency.
You are not being self centred, there are accidents and hold ups all the time and yes , loss of life is awful - but you being frustrated about your trip is understandable. Ultimately, i assume you only have their version of what actually happened?

Actually I think it’s a perfectly normal response.

I remember a guy hauling someone off the tracks when they’d attempted to jump in front of a train on the New York subway and the guy said he wasn’t a hero, he just couldn’t be late for work.

And that’s the bottom line. As sad as it is for that person, why should it fuck up everyone else’s life? They are a stranger, and that is the trip of a lifetime (it would be for me) and YANBU to be pissed off for missing it.

@Arlanymor- "Someone left their home this morning and didn't get to go home" reminded me of something I dealt with at work, a few years ago.

I worked for a corporate vehicle accident management firm. In a nutshell, certain companies were contracted to us and we took all accident reports and arranged repairs.

Early one morning, a British Gas engineer was on his way to do a job when his van was ploughed into by a drunk driver. The engineer died at the scene.

It was awful. The poor bloke was just on his way to work, and some irresponsible fucker ended his life.

We spoke to his manager later in the day, and that engineer had a wife and three young kids.

It was heartbreaking. I don't understand lack of empathy for things like this.

Yes. Nothing to add to that.

I think it’s normal to feel frustrated but to not feel any sadness towards the person who died and their family is quite heartless.

Count yourself lucky. You can take a trip another time. The person who died can't.

As someone who had a close friend who threw herself in front of a train, leaving behind two very vulnerable children, I can confidently state that that reaction doesn't cross my mind, ever.

This is the op's first foreign break in a warm country, how the hell do you know that she can just go another time?

No, it doesn’t make you shitty one bit!

If the opportunity you’d missed was to say a final good bye to a loved one you’d be getting much different replies.

no one on the internet can tell you what this experience meant to you in terms of emotional or monetary value.

i feel the exact same annoyance when there’s a jumper on the train line and i miss tea with my family, or as happened last year, a flight abroad.

An Interval feeling of disappointment and selfishness is absolutely ok

Op, you’re being very heartless and if it’s any comfort to you - you’d way overestimated what your trip to Sorrento and Pompeii was going to be like. It was never going to be anything other than a whistle stop tour to both places given the coach trip to and from Rome, and absolutely nothing like you imagined it would be.