To feel inconvenienced by a tragic accident?

[OnemargarIta]

I'm currently in Italy (staying in Rome) for three nights. It's my first foreign break in a warm country and I've been so excited and saved up especially.

We booked an excursion for today consisting of a trip to Sorrento where we'd spend time exploring, visiting shops and enjoying local food - and then on to Pompeii on the route back.

We've spent the whole morning/day so far stuck in traffic on the motor way. We are so behind schedule we can now no longer go to Sorrento first because Pompeii closes at 5.30 and there won't be time. A sit down restaurant meal will now be replaced by a takeaway which will be eaten on the coach.

We've just been told the cause of the traffic jam and it's because somebody has died in a collision on the motorway.

Instead of feeling saddened about the loss of life I just feel inconvenienced and pissed off that the highlight of my trip has been ruined.

Does this make me a shitty person? It just occurred that it might 😳

I think you can feel both. Inconvenienced by the impact this is having on you and your plans, but also recognising that you're extremely lucky that you aren't impacted in worse ways like this person and their family will have been.

I think if you don't feel ANY of the latter then there's maybe a bit of self reflection there to do in terms of counting your blessings and considering how insular your world view might be?

The last time I was in that position I definitely felt frustrated and stressed but also able to acknowledge that other people were having a significantly worse day than I was and that I'm incredibly lucky.

I actually wonder if it's more a sign of lack of resilience and able to reframe things for yourself for perspective as opposed to being a "bad" person.

I don't think you're a shitty person. I've been stuck on a train before when someone jumped in front of another train further ahead. And watched as the initial sadness among other passengers turned to annoyance after two hours of being stuck. Then they started making jokes... (I was shocked but was in the minority.)

So as much as we should have empathy, in my experience there is a limit to that when it's an anonymous person you don't have any details of and no connection to.

It's perfectly normal to feel upset and irritated by having your carefully planned holiday spoiled. You don't have to link it to the cause, and be annoyed someone's death ruined your chance for half a day in Sorrento.

Voted YANBU by mistake.
From someone who lost a family member in a tragic accident that held up traffic and closed a main road,, yes, you are a shitty person.

No it does not. It makes you a flawed, normal, human being.

We are all human and we all have uncharitable thoughts at times - the fact you have acknowledged this and self reflected on it, in my opinion as someone who works in psychology, makes you a far more functional and psychologically healthy person than the people in this thread piling on to castigate you.

I can guarantee you that the people lecturing you about being shitty have also had uncharitable or unkind thoughts on many occasions in their own heads- and they are flat out lying if they claim never to.

Truly selfish, or narcissistic individuals never question if they are selfish because their narcism wont let them, so make of that fact what you will when listening to strangers opinions online.

Sure you do. Do you still feel the same when you’ve been stuck on the motorway for 4 hours? Not even a slight bit of frustration? Not one negative emotion? Pull the other one.

Yeah I think it does a bit to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed but to be unable to find any empathy is a bit shitty.

And then to post about it on a public forum where you know full well at least a few people will have had a loved one die in an accident, is also very shitty and unnecessary.

Both of these things together point to it being all about you.

It’s a fairly common reaction, I don’t think it makes you a shitty person. Those of us who regularly commute know the reaction well when we hear “person hit by a train” again when we’re desperate to get home.

That's one hell of a long day trip anyway without any leeway for accidents.
But yes. Unreasonable

It's entirely possible to feel both bad that you’ve missed out on something you were looking forward to while at the same time feeling at least some empathy or sympathy that someone lost their life and there are likely people out there who have had their world collapse.

What you do now is put it in perspective and be thankful that you only had a day ruined and it's not you that's dead or grieving the death of a loved one.

Im not sure I would feel grief for a stanger. Yes I'd feel annoyed that my plans have not worked out. I remember being stuck at the station because of a fatality and I felt cross that my life had been disrupted- I would be late to work and then have to make the time up, so I do think its normal to feel that way.
On another note its too hot for pompeii , there is zero shade and whilst we enjoined visiting, an hour ws enough for us in the heat so you may not be missing out imho!

Don't let these people beat you up verbally, it's perfectly normal to be annoyed about being in an all day traffic jam.

There are serious accidents every day in the UK, do people think the people sitting in those jams are praying for the victims? No, most of them aren't.

No one can claim a moral hierarchy here.

I don’t feel any empathy when strangers die. Never have, for some reason.

Not bothered when celebrities die, didn’t bother watching the Queens funeral. I can recognise “that’s sad for people who know them,” but also recognise that I don’t know them, and therefore I personally am not sad.

I would probably feel the same in your position. I just wouldn’t ordinarily say it outloud/come online to share it.

If you’re a psychopath, I am too!

Yes, the sadness comes later when you see pictures and ages and other details. Not when you're in the jam or just out of it.

What a classic example of whataboutery. Of course you don’t spend your life grieving every loss of life, but when you are caught up in it, even in a tangential way, then it’s brought closer to home and it’s natural to reflect on it. Whenever I drive past a car accident on the motorway I always hope that no one has been seriously injured, I don’t know who they are, it’s just part of being human. To view someone else’s death only through the lens of how it has inconvenienced you is shitty, you don’t have to agree with me, but that is absolutely how I feel.

For all you know there is no one person to blame - mechanical failure, an animal running across the road - sometimes accidents are just that - accidental. And what if the person who caused the accident was the one was was killed - still pissed off with them? You’re making this so black and white. And self-centred.

IMO it’s pretty natural to feel cross and disappointed that you’re going to miss something special - especially a one-off like this that you won’t be able to do next week - but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

TBH I wouldn’t believe anyone who said that ALL they felt in those circs. was sympathy for the poor person who’d died.

If you all felt the genuine tragedy of the numerous early deaths suffered by thousands of people every day in much worse circumstances than some one who died on a road in Italy, I’m not sure how you function day to day.

No, OP, it does not make you a shitty person. It’s a very sad thing to happen for all involved and obviously you’re not going to drive by and shout out that you don’t care, but it ok to quietly think of your own disappointment in these circumstances.

Very unreasonable I would be thanking my lucky stars non of us were in that accident and we get to live another day. We just never know when our time is up. How shitty of someone's first thought being it's ruined their day. While another family are going through the trauma of losing their loved one in an awful tragedy.

This is the thing isn't it?

It's not even the OP's lack of empathy, it's the shitty way she thought starting a public thread was a decent thing to do.

Yes, it certainly does! Get over it……….the family of the person that died certainly won’t be able to!!!!

Exactly that.

I wouldn't say shitty but I'd say desensitised.
The only reaction really is disappointment and then pure fucking gratitude that you look around you and everyone you love is still with you.
Don't beat yourself up but do notice it and think carefully about what might be feeding it

Yes, I think it makes you shitty. Absolutely fine to be frustrated that your trip has been affected but you can do that another time. The poor person that died won’t be able to.
I’d be thanking my lucky stars that I wasn’t involved in the crash.

I would argue that is empathy. Certainly the way i understand and experience what I view as empathy.

I certainly dont grieve strangers, Im not sobbing into my pillow when someone i dont know dies, but I understand and acknowledge that there will be people who knew that person and understand that they will be feeling grief. To me, thats empathy. I dont feel their feelings but I recognise that they will have them.

And just to be clear, I have never said I wouldn’t feel frustrated - it’s the whole notion of not being able to muster any sadness, not feel a jot of sympathy for anyone but yourself which is the issue.