To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

OP, your point about validation resonates.

I sometimes suggest we do things purely for mum's benefit. I'm just trying to be nice and will suggest we go here, or there, or do this or that thing. It's not something I'm bothered about - I'm just doing it for her. And all I get is "I don't mind"!!

"Oh yes,that sounds great" or "Yes please, I'd love that" would be so nice to hear once in a while, and ease the pressure from having to thanklessly plan and do everything.

I did manage to train my dad out of one annoying response though!

If I ask him if he wants a cup of tea he always responds ‘if you’re making one’

I don’t like tea and never have, so I never would be making one.

I started to take him at his word and not make anything. 10 minutes later he’d ask where the tea was and I’d reply, ‘I wasn’t making one for myself, and you told me not to bother unless I was’

After the second time he has now changed his answer to ‘yes, please’ 😁

This is my family. So you decide for them and then they'll bitch behind your back for weeks, as whatever you decide is wrong. Its hugely frustrating. Im not a mind reader and I'll forget things, so if you have an opinion, tell me.

YABU.

I have social anxiety and I can be indecisive. Often, it's a case of wanting the other person to make a choice first (if there's only one of something, for example), so it's quite the opposite, out of politeness. I would feel mortified if someone was to incorrectly interpret it as me being rude or passive aggressive. That's definitely a them/you problem. But if they are constantly saying it and it seems on purpose, I can understand a bit more.

When i have guests I'll make individual drinks - coffee for those that want it, tea for those that want it etc. So I'm just asking you to decide what it is you want - not what everyone has- that would be strange.

My relative does this when they come to stay, and then whatever I decide they moan about or make it clear they don't like it, "oh I thought we might have done that..."

Why offer? Just say, it's chips and salad today. All this choosing makes your life harder and they probably can't be bothered to decide.

🤣🤣🤣

This is me. I'm so sorry as I can understand all the people saying it's annoying.

For me, it's pure indecision. I genuinely don't know what I want. Even when I'm on my own, deciding on what to eat can be enough of a chore that I'll end up going hungry. Or I'll scroll Netflix for so long trying to find something to watch that it's bedtime before I've come up with an answer. I don't know how people do it. I'm paralysed by it.

My sister appears to be the same although hers is definitely due to being a chronic people pleaser.

It’s not passive aggressive, it’s just passive.

And what @thinklagoon said - it puts all the pressure on the host to think of things to do/cook etc.

I used to be like this and my family is still very much like this. It drives me mad. Example being a family member came to stay recently. I asked what they wanted to do, they said they didn’t mind, I made a suggestion and they said “yes, I was thinking I’d like to go there”.

Well why not say so then? Why make me do all the work when you have a clear preference?

I live in a touristy area so now give options eg beach, coastal village, inland walks etc to try to narrow it down. I work full time, this is my weekend too; I don’t want to spend it thinking on someone else’s behalf even if that does make me a crap host!

I think it's two things - one some people are passive aggressive about it -like my mum always making me choose where will go for lunch and then complaining after ('i thought you'd choose differently' she'll say when questioned why she bloody made me choose in the first place!
And two it's tiring being the one always having to make the call - I also have social anxiety but I force myself to make the decision at times so my friends aren't the ones always deciding.

I’m afraid I’m this person 🙈 I think it’s being helpful to hosts as I’ll do whatever,
I’ve never thought of it being annoying just accommodating.
Perhaps I should say ….. I’d like to go shopping today after a full English, coming home to steak, pepper sauce, broccoli and twice cooked chips!!

Well, surely now you know!

Exactly, its tiring. Its one thing doing it now and then but when its like a default, it becomes decision making labour being put on other people. And of course the MN demographic contains a lot of women who are already disproportionately likely to be doing the food and life management for other people.

Or if your host asks whether you'd like cereal or a full English for breakfast, say "A full English sounds lovely thanks", or "Just cereal for me today please". Not "I don't mind / whatever you're having / anything is fine for me".

If I ever patio my husband, this will be the reason. It's painful.

This thread is fantastic, laughing my head off here. It’s such a basic thing but I don’t think I’ve ever seen all the varieties set out like this before.

I don’t think there are any ‘right’ answers—what’s so deliciously toe-curling about this is it’s about establishing the micro’est of hierarchies—but there are definitely two wrong ones. Don’t have no view when you’re the one initiating the activity eg by paying a visit to someone, because that’s giving them a job without helping them to do it. Worst of all is expressing no preference then complaining about the outcome – that is definitely passive-aggressive!

Another permutation that drives me mad is to give you the options one-by-one, when they know what’s on offer and you don’t:

“Would you like a cup of tea?” ‘that’d be lovely, thanks’
starts making tea
“You can have coffee” ‘yeah okay, I’ll have coffee’
puts out coffee
“I’ve made this big jug of sangria”

My FIL used to do it this way and it drove me mad – I might have bloody loved a glass of sangria but I can hardly ask for it now can I?!!

I've had guests staying since Thursday. They decided last night they wanted to catch the 8.05am train home this morning so that they could fit in an afternoon's WFH. We warned them that in rush hour we'd need to leave by 7.15am, and so I and my partner were up at 6.30am making toast and coffee and gathering together bits of their stuff they'd left all over the house. We had to wake them, too, because they hadn't put their alarms on. They had long showers and dried their hair, with us chivvying all the way and my partner going out and getting the car opened up — and now they've decided to take the 9am train instead and are having a three-course breakfast.

We've had days of 'We don't do breakfast' followed by them eating muesli and cereal and fruit and yoghurt and toast and eggs and croissants. The game is repeated at every bloody meal. 'We don't eat/ we're not hungry' followed by them hoovering up anything we put on the table.

It isn’t rude. I find the person doing the asking isn’t very good at making decisions and wants someone else to come up with something.

AIBU or not? I couldn't decide which way to vote, I'll go with whatever the majority have said.

They seem like the easiest of guest imaginable. Anxious to simply fit in and not cause any problems. Be very very thankful you don’t have the other sort, the sort who are reluctant to put their hand in their pocket, never do a hands turn and are the fussiest/pickiest eaters on the planet. Oh….and those charmers who leave their rooms a tip when they finally do leave.

Don't be silly, there is a middle ground.

People can say stuff like I don't mind (to show flexibility) but maybe a walk would be nice today? Or I don't mind where we eat but that restaurant we went to before was good? Little hints that at least show some preferences.

Don't you ever ask guests what they would like to do/what they would like to eat or drink, then?

I tend to say (in a friendly tone) ‘it’s all the same to me but a decision makes it easier.’

It tends to work.

But it's not polite - you're just creating work for other people by making them decide on your behalf, and hoping they've got it right. Or, as pp have said, you're denying them the opportunity to treat you as you won't indicate what would make you happy. My MIL is this kind of people-pleaser, thinking she's being all accomodating and low-maintenance, but it actually has the opposite effect of making people around her feel that nothing they do will actually please her.

My SIL, on the other hand, thinks her inability to make decisions is some sort of cute personality quirk. I don't know which is more infuriating.