To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

I’m terribly indecisive and honestly it’s not because I’m being rude and now i feel very bad that it may come across this way.
I’m indecisive when I don’t really care about the outcome or if it’s a big major impacts my life decision. If someone said do you want eggs for breakfast easy answer is no I don’t like eggs. if it’s something I don’t like or don’t fancy I will say no, but if they are like sausage or bacon sandwich I usually go which would your prefer, or whichever is easiest for you to make, whichever is open etc. it doesn’t impact my life I like both. Will have to be more assertive going forward it seems as apparently it’s rude!

DH family does this a lot over the years. Hard hard work and also puts you in the driving seat for all minor decisions (exhausting) . Coupled with actually having preferences so not always happy with the decisions then you feel at fault.

I hate the people pleaser excuses.

Do you want a tea or coffee isn’t a difficult question and neither is more trouble than the other.

Where shall we go? Again, expand your hosts horizons - bring something to the table!!

My MIL used to be like this, I found it quite annoying but I forgave her as I knew it came from a lifetime of domestic abuse, first from her family and then from FIL.

I don’t think it’s always indecision- I think sometimes people don’t care and want to make it easy for you. I say ‘whatever you’re having’ so no extra fuss is made! I genuinely couldn’t care less what was on the menu, it’s actually I’m desperate to not put you out anymore than already am by staying!!

It's very annoying, but I don't think passive aggressive. In my experience the people who say they don't mind are the same type that would sit there looking at a kettle and cups but wouldn't dream of making themselves a cup of tea because they are waiting for you to do it for them. Despite being told repeatedly to help themselves they are afraid it might be rude.

Another similarly annoying thing is a host that fusses and cannot accept your answer. Are you sure you wouldn't like more tea, can I get you anything else, are you sure you don't want more eggs, is that warm enough for you, will I heat it up, are you sure, it's no trouble I can just pop it in the microwave etc etc

Ugh; YANBU.

My DH has a pathological fear, I sometimes think, of speaking plainly. He'll say things like "Do you think we should be leaving?", then when I say "No" he'll reel off a million reasons why we should be leaving, in an irritated voice. Drives me fucking nuts. He often says (when things blow up at work) "I told them we should have done this!" and now I've got to the stage when I say "Did you actually tell them, or ask them if they thought it should be done this way? Because that's not the same thing."

If I have visitors I just plan all meals as I know my family's likes and dislikes. I also think it shows hospitality, since it demonstrates that I have thought about their visit in advance. The only meal I ask about, again in advance, is breakfast because I am not a breakfast fan.
Luckily I live abroad, so giving guests local food saves me a fair amount of thought and is interesting/different for them.
The only question I might ask are, whether they would like a gin and tonic or a kir royale pre-supper (wine already chosed to go with the food).

I agree. From my own perspective I would react the same to questions like that. It's not being indecisive. It's lack of confidence and trying to make your host feel comfortable.

I just don't always have a preference. It's not indecision or rudeness. If someone asks me if I want tea or coffee, I might fancy coffee and say so. Or I might not care which do I'll let them decide which they want to do.

Coffee is definitely more trouble in my house. Depends on what system you use. (I'd make either willingly for guests though.)

Don’t offer choice. Just say ‘I’m making bacon sandwiches. Who wants one? If not, help yourself to cereal’. ‘I’m making coffee. Who wants one?’ ‘I’m going into town. Who wants to come too?’

Or

’What do you want to do this afternoon? Your choices are the park, the zoo, or swimming’

Or

’I’ll give you 10 minutes to have a think. Let me know when you’ve decided. I’m happy with whatever you decide’

My whole family are like this so I thought it was an Irish thing until I saw this thread and I’m assuming the OP isn’t Irish. It couldn't be a generational thing as my young ish relatives are like this. Maybe it’s a worjking class thing. Growing up we wouldn’t have had the self esteem to be assertive.

I’ve got better so you’ll be pleased to hear that there is hope for ditherers.I’m certainly a lot bit less annoying than I was. My son in law has got me out of it with gentle teasing, and by pushing me to make a decision which I have now decided learned to do.

It might be that. No I’m not Irish and nor are they, but they are I guess more working class than us, certainly they were in their earlier life. I’ve never really thought about it that way but it could be part of it. I’m glad some people understand. I know they don’t mean to be rude, I love them, and I haven’t shown my frustration to them, I just needed an anonymous rant!

I do end up planning everything, and we’ve had a lovely time overall. But it would just be nice to get some validation occasionally. A “yes please” or a “that sounds great” rather than a “whatever you want”. For those who fall into this please do try to have some preferences! If your host puts out orange juice, apple juice, water, tea and coffee at breakfast and asks you what you want to drink, CHOOSE ONE 🤣.

But then you are making some one else choose what you are going to drink - that's super annoying. Just make a call and don't outsource the decision making. Most people have enough on their plates without having to decide for other people.

Bloody irritating - Yes
Rude - Absolutely not

Of course minor decisions aren’t a big deal if you’re not making any! OP’s describing people making zero decisions: it’s exhausting to be on her end of it because she has to do all the thinking and deciding for them. The flow they’re going with is entirely created by her.

Imagine if she also went with the flow and found minor decisions not a big deal: what do you want for breakfast? I don’t mind. I don’t mind either. Whatever you’re having. Not bothered what I’m having. Me either. So what shall we have? Dunno, whatever you want.

At some point, someone has to make the decision. Ideally, it’s not the same person every time because it’s exhausting and boring to spend time with someone so inert.

I don't find this rude or passive aggressive, but it winds me up!

My mum's answer to everything is "I don't mind", "whatever you think", "I'm easy". But then she misses out on experiences because she daren't express a preference. And she is so far from "easy", it's laughable!

She came home from a city break to Paris with 2 friends and said, mournfully, "I can't believe i went to Paris and never once got to go to a French bakery". I asked if she'd told her friends that she'd like to visit one:"Well, no". And then it was of course the friends' fault for causing her to miss out.

So you're making me 'decide for other people'? If I have a preference, I'll say so. If they want me to make the choice, they can say that more clearly: 'I don't know whether to make tea or coffee. Tell me which to make.' In that case, I'd tell them which to make. Asking me which I'd prefer means I have the option to say I don't have a preference.

I shall live in hope, although I fear it may be too late for them. They are getting on a bit

I hate this and think people who do this don't realise how annoying they are.

Leaving all the decisions up to others, especially in regard to going out, means you can never make the wrong decision. Anything that goes wrong is someone else's fault!

Yes! Living abroad and hosting people means this is a constant issue.

The problem isn’t saying ‘I don’t mind’ once or twice, it’s saying it about EVERY MEAL and every activity for three weeks straight (how long both our parents visit for).

It’s like having extra children, having to meal plan and do their schedule every day to fit in with my own … And the passive-aggressive attitudes when they don’t like the thing.

I once explained to my dad that this attitude isn’t polite, it’s lazy and makes a lot more work for me and he got really angry. With him it’s that he doesn’t want to take responsibility if it’s the ‘wrong’ choice, he wants it to be someone else’s fault and not his.

My favourite variety of guests are ones that have a few days of their own planned, a few things they want to see and meals they want to eat. Then we can discuss together and it doesn’t feel like I am doing it all on my own.

My SIL did this - first morning here DH asks if we would like a hot drink, I ask for coffee & DH replies " No way, not the devils brue !" - (inside joke weve had for so long we've both forgotten how it started. )
SIL asks for tea. Then is mildly annoyed that I had coffee as she also wanted coffee. Had a long chat with her - her exH was an arsehole was very opinionated on her decisions. We always thought she hated Indian food- turns out she actually loves it . It took a LOT of persuading to get her to tell us her preferences, she was so used to going along with what she thought everyone else wanted.

This is exactly it! I know they do have preferences, because sometimes I’ll get an “oh, I wish we could have ….” After the fact. If they’d told me they wanted it, I would have made it happen. I try very hard to plan to their preferences and capabilities but I’m not a mind reader.