My Incel father and brother

[Inshockandsome]

I am not sure what to do.

All of my life I have lived under a cloud of misogyny and I have been treated like a second class citizen in my own home. There to serve and know my place. Initially as a child I became a tom boy to take the pressure off - because I recognised my femininity as a vulnerability.

I was beaten, demeaned and consistently emotionally abused. I was objectified, and told my education doesn’t matter as I will just be married and have children anyway. It was a toxic environment to grow up in.

My father openly demeans all of the women around us - waiters, bar people - anyone that is female. The women he hated most were strong women or anyone that dared to challenge him. He said he hated ‘kids’ and never intended to have a relationship with me. I was there only to keep my mother ‘quiet’. My mother has always stood by him, despite his open contempt of her.

I found my voice as a teenager and stood up to him. He reacted with extreme violence, he would use ritual humiliation and weaponised my body against me. A severe eating disorder followed, multiple suicide attempts before I escaped.

My grandmother (his mother) died and he didn’t seem too bothered. His main interest was his inheritance.

Fast forward to today, my mother tells me he follows certain ‘groups’ on line. He speaks openly now of his feelings around strong men, weak women etc. I had to remove my children from their lives years ago. I have stopped contact for many years.

My brother is now the same. Ruined by his enduring dislike of women, despite having a wife and 3 x dds.

Father is now seriously ill and I have no idea what to do.

My heart goes out to you, OP. But I also commend you for creating a very different path in life, with your own family where love and care and nurture are very present - unlike when you were a child.

i do not think you ‘owe’ your sperm donor anything, no ‘acknowledgement’ or thanks (for not killing you and earning money to keep you fed wtf). He lost the right to that long ago. As indeed, did your mum. She too, failed you. The only person who matters here is you. It’s your needs that are important.

It doesn’t sound to me, from what you have said, that there’s anything to be gained from you making a bedside visit. Your ‘father’ will not change, he won’t acknowledge his failings, he won’t apologise or ask for forgiveness. A visit won’t make you feel better or change the past. And it might stir things up in your head .

Instead, I would focus on all the positives in your life, your achievements and growth as a good, kind person. All managed in spite of your upbringing. Celebrate that and refuse to give your ’parents’ any more headspace.