Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My Incel father and brother

276 replies

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:28

I am not sure what to do.

All of my life I have lived under a cloud of misogyny and I have been treated like a second class citizen in my own home. There to serve and know my place. Initially as a child I became a tom boy to take the pressure off - because I recognised my femininity as a vulnerability.

I was beaten, demeaned and consistently emotionally abused. I was objectified, and told my education doesn’t matter as I will just be married and have children anyway. It was a toxic environment to grow up in.

My father openly demeans all of the women around us - waiters, bar people - anyone that is female. The women he hated most were strong women or anyone that dared to challenge him. He said he hated ‘kids’ and never intended to have a relationship with me. I was there only to keep my mother ‘quiet’. My mother has always stood by him, despite his open contempt of her.

I found my voice as a teenager and stood up to him. He reacted with extreme violence, he would use ritual humiliation and weaponised my body against me. A severe eating disorder followed, multiple suicide attempts before I escaped.

My grandmother (his mother) died and he didn’t seem too bothered. His main interest was his inheritance.

Fast forward to today, my mother tells me he follows certain ‘groups’ on line. He speaks openly now of his feelings around strong men, weak women etc. I had to remove my children from their lives years ago. I have stopped contact for many years.

My brother is now the same. Ruined by his enduring dislike of women, despite having a wife and 3 x dds.

Father is now seriously ill and I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
MegaMinion34 · 10/08/2025 20:31

I am so sorry you experienced this. I think, for your own sanity, it is best to remain no contact.

InterestedDad37 · 10/08/2025 20:32

You may feel some residual sense of needing to be concerned for/about them, but I'd suggest not wasting your time with them, leave them to fester 👍

Devon1987 · 10/08/2025 20:33

I am so angry on your behalf that your mum never protected you and this fucking monster was allowed to roam the earth thinking he is better than you. Do not contact him, grieve for the father you deserved not for the arsehole you got. He brought nothing to your life when he was well I doubt he will add a thing now he is dying.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 10/08/2025 20:34

I'm really sorry OP. I'm glad you were strong enough to break free from them. Remember whatever you decide to do you don't owe him anything. The decision can only be your own. Wishing you all the best. 💐

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:35

I keep in touch with my mother, when she mentioned his following of certain groups, it was a lightbulb moment and I realised who he was. I realised that is what he always was. That it wasn’t ‘me’ the person, or my failings but him.

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 10/08/2025 20:36

Stay away from them both .
Nothing good can come from having a relationship with people like that.
It sounds like an awful childhood .

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:39

Oddly I had a better childhood than you would think, I spent most of it outside and well away from him. Roaming the forests and fields and dodging him as far as possible. Obviously there were moments when I could not avoid him. Then I paid the price. He never once hit my brother. I struggle with that. I was a punchbag, just because I happened to be born a little girl.

OP posts:
Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:43

Thank you for your replies. So far it seems to be that most people believe I should stay far away. Maybe I should heed good advice.

OP posts:
DollydaydreamTheThird · 10/08/2025 20:45

What are your relationships like now @Inshockandsome ? I think the relationship with your dad as a young girl is important in helping you choose the kind of man you want to be with later in life? If you're straight anyway.
I don't know how you would deal with those feelings? I hope you have some really good support around you now.

ReplacementBusService · 10/08/2025 20:46

There is no need to see him just because he is dying. You don't have to put yourself through that x

YodasHairyButt · 10/08/2025 20:46

He has lived as a horrible man and he will pass as one. Protect yourself and stay away from him. You owe him nothing.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 10/08/2025 20:48

Its ok to stay away from people who hurt you. If he contacted you to apologize, admit the error of his ways and wanted to make up, that might be different. But from what you have said, you are better off keeping your distance. Its sad when old people are lonely or ill and needing help. But when they are vile and mean, its ok not to feel you have to compensate.

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:49

DollydaydreamTheThird · 10/08/2025 20:45

What are your relationships like now @Inshockandsome ? I think the relationship with your dad as a young girl is important in helping you choose the kind of man you want to be with later in life? If you're straight anyway.
I don't know how you would deal with those feelings? I hope you have some really good support around you now.

I choose the most gentle, calm man. I never wanted to be married. I wanted to stay free. To me marriage equalled custody. A life worse than prison. I met dh by chance and he appealed to me because he is the polar opposite of my father. Considerate, quiet and thoughtful by nature.

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 10/08/2025 20:50

I am really sorry for the childhood you experienced and hope you have had access to some therapy to process it.

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:52

HappyHedgehog247 · 10/08/2025 20:50

I am really sorry for the childhood you experienced and hope you have had access to some therapy to process it.

12,years in total, we never covered ‘the end’ and she has retired now.

OP posts:
Starrystarrysky · 10/08/2025 20:53

Not nearly as extreme as your father's behaviour, but I had a somewhat similar situation with my grandfather when he passed away about 4 years ago. I chose not to go and visit him and I haven't regretted it. He made a lifetime of choices, that's on him.

That doesn't mean that you have to make the same decision as I did - but please know that it is a valid choice to stay away. It's not something you should feel guilty about.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 10/08/2025 20:54

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 20:49

I choose the most gentle, calm man. I never wanted to be married. I wanted to stay free. To me marriage equalled custody. A life worse than prison. I met dh by chance and he appealed to me because he is the polar opposite of my father. Considerate, quiet and thoughtful by nature.

Edited

That has made my day😊 I'm so glad you managed to break the cycle. You deserve to be happy now. Leave the ghosts in the past.

2021x · 10/08/2025 20:54

Agree with others, it sounds like you have been incredibly strong and brave to managed to come out the other side of this.

If you haven't accessed pysch yet to process these feelings it would be good to do it so you don't carry if forward after he dies.

The truth is your father is a weak, and scared man, who punches down because he has no other way of operating. If it wasn't women, it would be anyone else he thinks is less than him. I am sure he had many opportunities in his life to change this, and he chose not to. Let the poison die with him and carry on without it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 10/08/2025 20:57

Nothing.

You do nothing. Or as little as possible.

Your Mother calls you, mentions him 'thats a shame dear' and change the subject.

She mentions his illness 'oh, how difficult for you' and change the subject.

If she asks you for any input deeper than that, you urgently need to get off the phone and end the conversation politely.

If she attempts to ask for physical, in person help, you cannot, end of story, no further discussion.

She's made her bed, now she can lie in it.

JLou08 · 10/08/2025 21:06

You don't have to do anything. Any feelings you have are valid, that includes a feeling of relief when he dies or even joy that your mother gets to live some of her life without him. I'd personally be cutting the brother out of my life and I'd make no secret of the reasons why.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/08/2025 21:07

You don't owe him anything, and don't get sucked into helping your mother look after him. She made her choices: you have a right to make yours.

Iloveacurry · 10/08/2025 21:08

You don’t need to do anything!

PinkCampervan · 10/08/2025 21:15

Remain NC. He hasn't suddenly become a nice person just because he's ill. Your mother hasn't become less of an enabler either. Your brother can support her emotionally, it's not your job. If he doesn't, oh well, not your problem. If your mother wanted kindness from you, she should have given it to you. You owe NOTHING to people who have abused you (that includes your mother, who stood by and watched).

Inshockandsome · 10/08/2025 21:17

I don’t know how to be around him. I wouldn’t know what to say, I worry about regret, and closure.

He has done awful things. Awful. But he is still my father.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 10/08/2025 21:19

You don't owe him anything.

I would bet deep down, a little bit of you thinks if you're kind and generous to him and your Mum now, he will some how acknowledge and appreciate that and it will make you feel better.

He won't. It will not happen. He isn't going to turn into a nice person now, he is simply going to continue to take from you, and then die.