My Incel father and brother

[Inshockandsome]

I am not sure what to do.

All of my life I have lived under a cloud of misogyny and I have been treated like a second class citizen in my own home. There to serve and know my place. Initially as a child I became a tom boy to take the pressure off - because I recognised my femininity as a vulnerability.

I was beaten, demeaned and consistently emotionally abused. I was objectified, and told my education doesn’t matter as I will just be married and have children anyway. It was a toxic environment to grow up in.

My father openly demeans all of the women around us - waiters, bar people - anyone that is female. The women he hated most were strong women or anyone that dared to challenge him. He said he hated ‘kids’ and never intended to have a relationship with me. I was there only to keep my mother ‘quiet’. My mother has always stood by him, despite his open contempt of her.

I found my voice as a teenager and stood up to him. He reacted with extreme violence, he would use ritual humiliation and weaponised my body against me. A severe eating disorder followed, multiple suicide attempts before I escaped.

My grandmother (his mother) died and he didn’t seem too bothered. His main interest was his inheritance.

Fast forward to today, my mother tells me he follows certain ‘groups’ on line. He speaks openly now of his feelings around strong men, weak women etc. I had to remove my children from their lives years ago. I have stopped contact for many years.

My brother is now the same. Ruined by his enduring dislike of women, despite having a wife and 3 x dds.

Father is now seriously ill and I have no idea what to do.

Keep on as you have done. No contact. He was a horrible man and he will die a horrible man.

Father is now seriously ill and I have no idea what to do.

Give him no thought. Or hope he suffers. Both of which are the very least that evil creature deserves.

The problem with doing nothing is that’s a lot of emotion you’re carrying with nowhere for it to go.

I would go and smirk at him in his hospital room. I’d tell him everything you’ve achieved in spite of his abusive hateful small minded existence. Tell him that his moronic views haven’t held you back and that men like him are pathetic.

I would also give your mother both barrels for enabling him and I would report your brother to the police for extremist activity.

That would be my ‘closure’. But ultimately you have to do what will give you peace after the scumbag is long dead and buried.

Yes I am worried about the power over. I am the vulnerable one here (even if I refuse to acknowledge it) and even in ill health he will look for a way to ‘win’ or to inflict some damage, no doubt it will give him some sense of his old power.

That worries me most. He has not attempted any kind of reflection, or apology. He has never tried to make amends. I don’t think he cares enough.

The worry I have is that he did pay for me, he worked long hours to provide, and he worked hard.

He did not show me love, or even read me a single story. Or cared in any meaningful way - but he didn’t kill me and he paid for my childhood. So some part of me feels I must show respect for his efforts, as small as they are by most people’s standards.

Even if he did often throw my Christmas presents across the room in a temper on Christmas morning or was mostly missing ; thankfully) on my birthdays. I suppose it’s the only real expression of care - that he fed me and paid the bills, surely I should be thankful for that.

You don't have to do anything about your father being ill. If anyone tries to guilt trip you about it, tell them just what sort of an abusive, violent prick of a father he has been.

Oh that is so sad that you think you should be thankful he fed you. That is the bare minimum he should have done.
Please don't contact him or your brother, you have worked so hard to improve your life please don't let them back in.

@Inshockandsome My Incel father
My brother is now the same. Ruined by his enduring dislike of women, despite having a wife and 3 x dds.

I don't believe that "incel" is a suitable adjective for these men.

‘Paying’ for your childhood and feeding you is basic parenting.

You absolutely owe him no thanks for that

He only ’paid for your childhood’ and ‘didn’t kill’ you because like all men like that, he’s a pathetic coward.

If any had come up against any authority he’d have had to account for himself, and he couldn’t, because deep down he knew it was wrong. It was just a power trip over someone weaker.

Funny how he didn’t ‘beat’ your brother - because he wouldn’t go up against someone who might actually thump him back! No. Too much of a coward. But he could terrorise a little girl - the abusive cunt.

You owe him nothing op.

I think the.term is correct because without going into detail, both are forced to live celibate lives, not always, but now. Due to circumstances. Both seem to have a raw hatred of women generally that is now visible. I believe their behaviour and values were present before the above. Things have become worse not better.

How would you like them to be described?

My bother recently said "be quiet, you stupid little woman."

No good can come from speaking to your father. Even on his death bed. He still is what he is.
Your poor nieces though. I doubt there’s anything you can do to help much, but if they knew an adult knew what they were going through with their horrible father - they might not wonder if they’re right for feeling like he is awful. Sometimes it just helps to know your feelings are right / justified/ someone knows.
So sorry for what you went through.

Do nothing.

I would have zero contact unless you feel you need to tell him what a total POS he is before he dies.

If you are still in the "hes my father" camp you need more therapy.
You literally said you feel he caused your ED and drove you to attempt suicide repeatedly... 😵‍💫 think about that

I am sorry. It’s somehow crushing coming from someone that is supposed to love you. How do you get past their true feelings about us? It leaks out and is in plain sight. A total lack of regard.

He is not worthy to be called your father.
Do not risk yet more abuse from him ,or if he tries to make amends or asks you for forgiveness nothing he could say now will make peace with the past.
He is a cruel ,cruel man who does not deserve any kindness from you , what a waste of what could have been a love filled family life.
Do not dwell on closure or regret, those aren't emotions you are responsible for he should be the one to feel regret.
Keep away, and let the love you share with your husband carry you through this difficult time.

OP, this is hard. It’s a tough process to navigate but considering he is ill, and he is your father - might it be best to consult with another therapist to support you emotionally and mentally during this period? A lot is going to resurface I’d imagine, and it’s a huge loss in your life — I think speaking to a professional during this time might support you best.

You don’t know what to do? Let him die and do exactly what you want. Or go and see him and tell him you hope he’s warm in hell.

You don’t owe him for paying for your childhood. That is the law of the country - that he feeds, clothes and houses his children. That’s the bare basics and to not make it a SAFE home makes it null and void.

That he didn’t kill you… again you owe him nothing for that. Sounds like he only didn’t to avoid prison not as a favour. Let him rot.

You don’t know what to do? Let him die and do exactly what you want. Or go and see him and tell him you hope he’s warm in hell.

You don’t owe him for paying for your childhood. That is the law of the country - that he feeds, clothes and houses his children. That’s the bare basics and to not make it a SAFE home makes it null and void.

That he didn’t kill you… again you owe him nothing for that. Sounds like he only didn’t to avoid prison not as a favour. Let him rot.

I kind of just always let him away with it like that is just his personality. I just don't take him too seriously probably this is very dysfunctional. Last year though, I got so mad I called him an incel. He hasn't spoken to me since,

I have absolutely no idea what you’re going through, I’m lucky enough that my dad and brother are very respectful of women. Even if my brother can be a class A Pratt, he’s never demeaned any woman. It may be because my mum would probs kill him if he did. Shes a strong woman who has always made sure we grew up respectful, had manners etc.

in my head I’d say you don’t owe him anything, by the sounds of it he’s not given you anything other than disrespect. The ball is in your court, only you know the true answer, you need to think how it will affect you if you do go and he’s awful to you again.

I'd sit at his bedside as he was dying and tell him exactly what a c* he was

‘but he didn’t kill me and he paid for my childhood’.

Please read that line back to yourself whenever you feel that you need, possibly through guilt or manipulation, to have contact with this awful person. He doesn’t deserve your respect or your love, he isn’t worthy of a moment of your time. He isn’t a father in any sense of the word, he’s brutalised and belittled you purely for being female. That isn’t what a father is, that isn’t love, it’s deep rooted misogyny. He should have no claim on your time or your affection. There will be no reconciliation, he will just want one last opportunity to humiliate you, don’t let him have that. You are worth so much more than this brutal, awful man.

A father should not beat his little girl, he should shower her with love and affection. He should be her biggest protector and defender. He shouldn't throw Christmas presents to hurt her feelings, he should take happy photos of an excited child opening up her gifts from Santa.

I'm so sorry, love. You shouldn't have had to go through therapy to come to terms with your childhood traumas. He should be in prison, and it's only through your kindness and your mother's weakness that he is not behind bars.

You were strong enough to walk away. Please keep walking. Don't let him get back into your head again. You've already said that he'll have power over you and try to hurt you in some way. Don't give him that power. You deserve so much more than that. He should be begging for your forgiveness. He's not, and that speaks volumes.

This sums it up perfectly.

You have a father but not a dad.

I am going to borrow this phrase for future use if that’s ok. No tears will be shed when mine is gone, please do the same x

hes no father hes a sperm donor

and youre mother isnt any better letting her child get abused