To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

Is it underhand for your husbands family to support their two grand-daughters and not their step-granddaughter? I think there are probably differences of opinion on this.

I also suspect the fact this arrangement is secretive is because they know what your response will be, so they keep it quiet to avoid drama.

I don't particularly understand why you are cross. It sounds as if your in laws have been very generous to your daughter. This has allowed you to be generous in turn to your eldest.

I think I broadly you should treat all your children the same.
Punishing the third child for the secrecy of the second is not fair imo.
Frankly continuing to subsidise a 30 year old while not contributing to your student child is pretty outrageous favouritism too. I suspect your subsequent children feel fairly upset at that!

Don’t be daft.

I think it's reasonable for grandparents to support their grandchildren and not their step grandchild. I agree with you that they should have been honest about it though. It's wrong that you were struggling to send her money and were completely unaware of this support.

Why should they give money to a 30 year old woman. Who should be self sufficient and not their granddaughter

Underhand? Complicit?

The grandparents are obviously aware that you and your DH don’t have enough to share with their grandchildren - their grandchildren will have told them that. The money has gone to and is going to your first DD (even though you have three). So they’re doing what they can: helping out here and there, big and little amounts. How on earth can you be cross about that? Don’t you think you should be very grateful to your in laws and happy for your youngest two?

Your post is all about control, your control over relationships and finances.

Reverse?

The grandparents are financially helping their grandchildren while you're giving your 30 year old unasked for financial assistance.

They've stepped in where you won't because you're playing favorites.

Good for them.

Way to wreck your relationship with your youngest two.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

Underhand by taking money kindly offered by their grandparents while they are students?

I don’t understand what you think they have done wrong?

This is probably the fifth post I’ve seen like this in a week. When you have children with more than one person these type of scenarios occur because the family dynamics are far more complex than if all of the children have the same father. I’m not saying people shouldn’t do it, far from it, but my point is you cannot expect all children to be treated ‘fairly’ by people that they have no relation to.

You cannot dictate how your in laws spend their money and tbh if you are angry that they didn’t subside a child that isn’t anything to do with them during university you are incredibly unreasonable.

You are also unreasonable for subsiding your 30 year old daughter’s lifestyle. Stop doing that and you’ll have enough money to support your youngest. Why should she miss out because you’re annoyed at the generosity of your in laws?

What’s underhand about it?

Broadly speaking, is it okay to give more to your eldest because she is a struggling single mum, than the others who are not; no. You should be treating them equally, IMO. What they get from elsewhere shouldn’t affect how you treat them .

Quite.

YABU

You should treat your children equally. If you are struggling financially you need to stop supporting the eldest. You shouldn’t punish the youngest for something you don’t even know she’s done/had! Even if she has received money from her grandmother she should still get equal support as her sisters from you and her Dad. Any financial support you and your husband offer should be independent of what your mother-in-law does.

Does your husband support your stance? If he does that seems very strange, nobody I know with a blended family would be happy to support their step-child at the expense of their biological children.

From personal experience I would strongly advise against what you are doing. My in-laws do similar (but all of the adult children are both of theirs) and my experience is that it has done no favours for anyone; the ones receiving the financial support have become reliant on it and make no effort to help themselves while the ones not receiving any support see the favouritism and make less effort to be involved with any of them.

The grandparents should absolutely be able to help their granddaughters if they wish. It’s the fact that they didn’t tell you and youve been struggling financially to keep everyone afloat that’s the issue.

My question would be does your husband know.

That’s the dealbreaker for me, if he’s kept shtum.

And as usual, there is a massive backstory

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/4942082-younger-children-turning-on-me?postsby=SlothsRUs

seems you’ve always prioritised your eldest, in your other DC’s eyes.

So your plan is to continue to subsidise your 30!! yo , not help the middle one anymore and punish/not help the youngest at all, because of the actions of the middle one?

What did the middle one did that’s so outrageous anyway? You say she never asked for money. You say you struggled to send her money. Luckily, she found financial support somewhere else .

Why wouldn’t you treat all your children equally?

You're effectively punishing your younger children for having supportive grandparents.
Stop giving them money if that's what you want to do but your tone sounds very much like they have done something wrong.

I am the youngest child who got very little help through university because by the time it got to me the money had run out. This was despite them supporting both my siblings even though they both left school and had full time jobs. It wasn’t unexpected, I had been the accidental child they couldn’t afford, my first bed was a drawer and I never had any new clothes, just hand me downs, some of which had already been worn by my siblings and cousins.

It just cemented where I was in the pecking order. They assumed I was going to uni early on (without ever checking if I wanted to) but never put any money aside for it, despite having become quite well off over the years. They still help the other two more, arguing that I get paid more so I don’t need their help. I don’t harbour a resentment any more, but it definitely affected my relationship with them.

God, I remember this one!

The OP ostracized her in-laws because they didn't treat her child from a previous relationship identically to how they treated their actual grandchildren.

The grandparents were reduced to slipping her younger daughters £20 when the OP wasn't looking. The middle daughter was very angry when she got to know a cousin and found out all that had been withheld from her

OP, your younger daughters couldn't tell you about the financial help from their grandparents because you have shown you won't allow them to do so.

The favouritism towards your eldest you are showing much better pretty hard for them to stomach.

From the other thread, it looks like you deliberately tried to sabotage your youngest two's relationship with their dad's side of the family because your eldest was treated nicely by them, but not as a grandchild.

So you worked hard to fracture your family even more in the name of your oldest and your kids and their grandparents have figured out your game and they've bypassed you.

Good for them.

Oh groan. Yet another woman expecting her second husband’s family to treat her child by a different man as one of their own. So, so, so irresponsible and damaging; almost always because of the mother’s own neuroses and insecurities. All the children involved end up damaged. So wrong of OP to curtail her youngest DDs’ family relationships because of the eldest DD.

Yes, they’re almost daily now. And OP happily admits on a different thread again that she cut off her youngest from having any relationship with their paternal family, as they treated her eldest nicely but not exactly the same. It’s like bingo on these threads. The first child’s father - not on the scene - ✔️

Your eldest daughter will eventually have to be able to pay her way. You will not always be there to support her. Is she doing anything at all to improve her financial position? I don't blame your in-laws for not providing financial support to an apparently feckless 30 year old to whom they are not related. If I was one of your younger daughters I might feel a bit fed up with your choices.