To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

Of course it's neither daft nor unreasonable to be annoyed that your daughter took money from you that she didn't need while secretly taking money from another relative - and then she lied to you about this as did your husband.

That's ugly behaviour on their part.

However, it's not your younger daughter's fault. Why not just ask your younger daughter outright, calmly and politely, if she is receiving the same financial support? And then explain that it is a financial strain for you to send money so you will not be doing so unless she needs it, and tell her to ask you if she does need it.

Having read OPs previous posts, it is really clear that all the family dynamics are seriously messed up. OP, you’ve already created a division between your eldest and the other two. Do you really want to create a division between the younger two by penalising one for the actions of the other?

And now would be a good time to start thinking about how you can rebuild some of these relationships more generally. How can you show all three of your girls that you love them and want what’s best for them? What do you need to apologise for that you’ve got wrong in the past, even though you were doing your best? How can you re-establish a positive relationship with your in-laws?

It’s not about rehashing old grudges but deciding what sort of future you want and working for that.

Go and get se therapy for yourself and your children. You are particularly fucked up with skewed priorities and act like youhaveonly one child not three. You have also deliberately sabotaged family relationships because you chose a deadbeat as your eldest's dad. .

You're about to make the same mistakes all over again OP. Give your youngest the same money you gave the other 2. You're the one banging on about treating them the sane when it comes to the ilaws so you practice what you preach.

If that’s what your thread is about, then why does it seem to be about ‘now I am planning to take out my frustration on my youngest daughter who wasn’t part of this deception’? Don’t do that, and think carefully about why they might have deceived you. Do you and your dh not share money that you say you were struggling? was he fine? If so he can top you back up and send money to your youngest Daughter.

As your eldest is obviously the golden child who can do no wrong, why did you have more children?
No you shouldn't be supporting your eldest,, especially as it means you can't support your other children. Thank goodness they have family who care about them.
Maybe you should treat your children equally and then they won't need to rely on their grandparents.

So, hold on. You're mad that the paternal grandparents of DD2 and 3 dont treat number 1 the same.
So. To remedy this, you're going to not treat all 3 that are biologically your children, the same.
Yeh that sounds reasonable......🫠

A student maintenance loan would not likely be enough to pay for her expenses - my kids are getting just over £5k each year but their student halls without food etc is over £8k

People are being ridiculous. I have step grandchildren and, like the GPs in the thread, have ample money for gifts. I would ask the stepchildren’s DPs what they would like for Cmas etc and buy it, same as I did for GCs. OP’s inlaws are being unfair buying a token gift for SGC when all other GCs are given so much. Why do this? They have the money to be fair.

Now all DCs are approaching adulthood they, particularly the eldest, should accept GPs have not been fair but they are of an age to accept this and not let it influence relationships. It will no doubt go on with money being left to younger ones but not elder, but that’s life, and OP needs to leave older one to sort her own life out now. And to put away her annoyance and show appreciation instead.

Parents have some obligations to support their costed through university, which is reflected in the availability of government support for those young adults. You've tied yourself in knots around why you shouldn't support your youngest to go to university and it's really sad to see. I'm not sure why your preference for your eldest is so strong, but at 30 she really should be able to start looking after herself and you need to stop funding her lifestyle if she is ever to stand on her own two feet. As to why you dislike your own younger children, that is less clear. I suspect you are being dishonest somewhere in your posts, because it simply doesn't add up.

Ok. Why do you think they lied? Imagine things from their point of view, and what’s your take on it?

I can understand being annoyed at them giving money behind your back, there was a similar situation in my family and we were all pretty shocked tbh. My cousin was always crying about uni money and my aunt would try her best to give her everything she could afford, completely convinced she didn’t have neither a scholarship nor help from my uncle (her exH) - many years later it turned out she had all of this and didn’t even finish uni. It’s pretty gross to take money from your struggling mum knowing full well you don’t need it.

Saying that - why would you punish your youngest?

You also need to stop giving unnecessary support to a fully grown 30 year old. That’s probably what got you into this mess.

Having read the previous thread, it feels like an unhealthy dynamic has been created whereby your eldest ‘rules’ the family and influences important decisions. I think this was not intentional by you or her, but in your efforts to create ‘equality’, you have essentially prioritised her. Family therapy might be a good option.

I’m really confused about the source of your distress. You and your finances directly benefited from their contribution, which has enabled you to continue paying towards your eldest and grandchildren. I agree it shouldn’t have been a secret, but some people can be weird about money. Either they just wanted it done very discreetly without being recognised for it, or they worried you would be weird about it…..

They haven’t told you about this because they knew how you’d react. That is the only reason.

i would have a good think about why your family feel they can’t be honest with you.

And when the mask slips…

Here’s the grounds with being laid for your thread in 10 years ‘why doesn’t my youngest include me in her life’

I have to say I\m completely disgusted by this (maybe because I’m a youngest child!). Are you seriously saying you would continue to subsidise a 30 year old while refusing to support your youngest to the same extent as the eldest? Can you genuinely not see how fucked up that is? How can you say it was a struggle to send money while at the same time supporting a 30 year old - genuinely I am struggling to see how you can justify this in your head?

Your post reads like your eldest is your favourite and you now plan to punish your youngest daughter because your middle child is getting extra help from grandparents.

Do not do this its totally cruel and your youngest daughter will never forgive you. She will be denied opportunities that he sisters had.

Your eldest dd is an adult and has made an adult decision to have kids. Whilst its understandable you want to help if she is struggling you cannot continue to support your adult dd at the expense of your younger kid's. Nor can you your youngest dd be punished for her siblings decisions.

Its blatant favouritism what you ard doing no matter how you say it.

You suspect, but you don’t know that your youngest daughter has the same arrangement, but you’re considering not helping her in order to make a point with your MIL? Wow. That’s a whole new level of petty behaviour. Why not find out what’s actually going on before you upset and alienate everyone in your family? If you would struggle to help her and your MIL wants, and is able to, what is the problem?

Perhaps your adult second daughter didn’t think she had to tell you that her own grandparents were giving her money. Do you tell your second daughter that you are giving her older sister money? ‘Hi Sophie, just to let you know, I’ve been to Sainsbury’s today and I’ve spent £127 on shopping for our Lucy.’

I can’t get my head around you struggling to send your student daughter money because you are buying groceries for your favourite daughter and to now not give your last one anything! Your oldest is thirty years old. Presumably your youngest is an actual child.

Personally, I think it’s odd that you didn’t know about the financial arrangements between your DD and her GPs! How did you think she was funding the Masters? If you thought it was a loan, maybe her GPs are the people who gave her it and expect it repaying.
Maybe just ask them all!!!

I understand how it makes ‘you’ feel, as they are all YOUR children, but they aren’t all your DH’s families children, so they have a different view to you. They are supporting their grandchildren. The only thing I’d be upset about is that they haven’t told you, or your DH about the support.

But as you’ve pointedly that the dc should be treated the same with regards to your help, you should also support your youngest the same as you’ve done the other two.

You are not being unreasonable by being hurt that you have been lied to about where the money has come from.
Your IL are not being unreasonable to give the money.
In an ideal world when the girls were all younger and getting pocket money to go on holiday, they would have given the same amount to all 3. Personally if I had 2 biological grandchildren and 1 step grandchildren and I was dispensing ice cream money, I would give them all £10 each, rather then just the biological ones £20 and the step one nothing but your in laws are obviously oblivious to the hurt it would cause.
I wouldn’t stop doing anything for the other children, continue as you always have but I would be making it clear that being lied to by everyone is hurtful.
They’ve lied because they feel like you would have caused a problem, whether or not you would have, only you know the answer.