To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

Again it’s not the money, it’s the lack of transparency

But it is about the money, as in no world is it your business if a grandparent gives a uni age child some money. Announcements fo not need to be made by anyone. It’s not your business.

I'd treat them all the same
How come your 30 year daughter needs money? It seems strange to me.

I think its about acceptance and guilt.

It's OK for you to be upset your eldest didn't have her father in her life.

It's OK for you to feel guilty he was probably a trash father

It's OK for you to feel upset she doesn't have her Grandparents on her dad's side involved on her life.

It's OK for you to feel guilty that your youngest 2 have lived with both of their parents and have involved grandparents on both side.

It's normal for her to be upset if she doesn't get the same amount of presents or isn't involved in family life with her stepgranparents to the same level as her youngest 2 sisters.

But how you managed that upset and guilt was not right.

You ran away from it and hid it. You tried to pretend the above didn't exist and it has caused division within your family as well as between the sisters.

They would have probably stood up for their older sister if they felt she was being unfairly treated. It would have made their bond stronger.

Your eldest would have become a stronger person if she had had to face more adversity. You haven't said how or of any of what happened still affects her today.

But dealing with it head on would be less likely to cause a victim mentality as an adult and expecting people to bow down to her feelings of being upset because her step family have favoured her sisters again.

It's still not to late to heal some of the trauma. But you need to accept you've made some mistakes and be honest with your kids and husband.

MRes University of Nottingham. Fulltime. Research masters degrees cost less than taught courses.

I absolutely disagree. If I was helping somebody because I thought they were in financial difficulty then I found out they had a tidy sum in the bank or were getting generous handouts elsewhere I would be pretty annoyed.

you say it's about transparency, but you weren't happy when they were transparent, gave DD1 fewer presents or didn't choose her as a flower girl.

It would be massively unfair if you didn't support the youngest who is still a student and instead kept supporting a 30yo.

Indeed!

I suspect you won't get an answer to this question

Absolutely, esp when op does it with such indignant self righteousness and such disregard for her other children.
I really am surprised the DH stands by while such favouritism is happening and OP is happy for family funds to go towards a 'child' who is not his, but his own DDs are spoken about so nastily and op is almost coming across as gleeful about not supporting dd2 through uni!

The reason you don't get transparency OP is because when people are transparent about things you don't like relating to your daughters, you kick off. It's that simple.

But think about it, how would you have reacted if they told you? Said that oh yes certainly, all fine?
You stopped your younger children from seeing their grandparents, because the grandparents didn't treat DD1 equally. You didn't go to a wedding because DD1 was not a flower girl. Of course they were worried that there will again be some 'consequences'.

This

What kind of arsehole gives one child £40 in secret and instructs them to keep quiet about it while giving the other nothing?

One who wants to give money to theirown student grandchild rather than giving one to a thirty-year old who isn't their grandchild!!

Not just any someone, her studying daughter.

I think the way OP is treating/has treated her 2 younger daughters is appalling. People keep saying that in the future they will be resentful and angry; this is true , even if it takes a long time to manifest itself. I put up with my mother favouring my sister for decades and just took it until I exploded at nearly 60!! My mother was shocked (although she knew what I said was true) and our relationship will never be the same. I can guarantee that the younger ones are keeping receipts and OP will pay big time in the future!

It's clear based on all of the threads that she has created the dynamic wherein her children feel that they have to lie to her because she will kick off if they don't. She can't complain about the lying when she's the one who created the situation where they feel as though they have to lie.

I agree with you though that she didn't have to struggle; her eldest daughter is well past the age where her parents should be supporting her to such an extent.

@SlothsRUs is treating her youngest daughters as if they were her step daughters & not her actually biological children. Your behaviour is appalling and I wouldn't be surprised if your youngest kids went nc or lc later in life.

You have created and environment why they have felt the need to keep secrets their communications or financial involvement with their paternal side.

can you not see this as an very obvious outcome to the hostile environment you’ve created?

your middle daughter has accused you of practically alienating her from that side of her family. When you have stopped them from spending time with cousins etc due financial offerings of course they kept it from you.

your H should’ve been transparent but seeing as he allowed his ow daughters to be kept from his family in lieu of favouritism for the eldest it’s quite clear he always takes the easy path.

you are still not acknowledging how your younger DD feel and thus the lies.

They don’t owe you transparency. If your MIL wants to help fund her adult granddaughter then that’s between them, it had and has nothing to do with you.

On your last thread you spoke about your daughters letting their feelings be known about their resentment towards you regarding their paternal family and your eldest. You described it as ‘seismic’, so clearly this is no minor bone of contention between you all. I suspect your daughter didn’t tell you because she didn’t trust you not to create a massive drama about it all and once again cast your eldest as the poor, hard-done-by victim. If you want to know why there was secrecy then look in the mirror.

Id agree if someone asked for help and misled you regarding their circumstances. But this isnt money DD2 said she needed due to struggles

But OP willingly sent the money for treats. And she knew, he DD2 was always on holiday and treating herself. You cant give someone money unprompted and then be angry someone else also gave them money.

I dont think its reasonable to have given DD2 treat money. But decide going forward DD3 wont also get treat money because she thinks neither DD2 nor DD3 with get loans of pay for their own education because OP suspects ILs will give DD3 money as they gave DD2 money. But OP is still happy to do 29yr old DD1's grocery shopping.

But OP willingly sent the money for treats. And she knew, he DD2 was always on holiday and treating herself. You cant give someone money unprompted and then be angry someone else also gave them money.

This is a good point and something that I had not considered. She didn't ask for the money, they just sent it to her. Did she think that they just wanted her to have some extra spending money while she's in school, similar to what they sent to her older sister? Does she even know that they are struggling? Does she know that they are still supporting a woman who is well into adulthood with children of her own?

@SlothsRUs can predict what will happen in the future with mil's inheritance!!! OP will be demanding that middle and younger daughter share both of theirs with the eldest daughter so eldest doesnt feel left out!!! more problems!