To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

You made a poor choice in your eldest’s dad and expect everyone else to compensate her for that, you’re also chucking money at her. You absolutely do not treat all your children the same and your posts are deeply delusional. I also remember your previous thread. A general tip for life is if everyone’s the arsehole it’s probably not them, it’s you.

I have never favoured my eldest. I don’t subsidise a lifestyle I buy groceries for her and pay subs for my grandchildren

That is exactly what subsidising is, for goodness sake.

You absolutely are favouring your eldest. You prevented her sisters from spending time with their family and receiving gifts because your eldest didn't have paternal relatives on the scene. You disadvantaged those daughters, not allowing them to be flower girls at a family wedding nor take part in other family occasions. You complained that your in-laws wanted photos of their grandchildren.

Your DH and younger daughters just choose to bypass you when it comes to the grandparents because you hav shown you'll kick up a fuss. They are entitled to a relationship with grandparents, and grandparents are free to give their money to their grandchildren if they like.

You are the problem.

Drawer was often used instead of a Moses basket when children were small.
My Dm slept in a drawer (and was bathed in the kitchen sink) for the first year of her life.
They weren't from a poor family; it was post war and things weren't easy to get hold of, but I don't think that was much to do with it; it was just what was done back then in their areas.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

Are you fricking kidding? Your in-laws offered their granddaughters money for their education and you expected them to turn it down? Is it because they are not married with children? Is that the only reason you would be willing to financially support them? Are you jealous of their lives, by any chance?

What sort of relationship do you even have with your youngest daughters if they don't feel comfortable telling you the whole story?

Bullshit.

You did your best to sabotage your younger children's relationship with their dad's family and they've all sussed you out. That's why they're giving the younger kids money and paying for a degree because they know you're buying a 30 year old's groceries and paying for her kid's activities.

You said in your other thread your oldest has a degree and working. Why do you need to buy her groceries and subsidize her kids's activities rather than helping your own kids?

Your resentment that your younger kids have a relationship with their dad's family despite you keeping them deliberately away is really obvious. You're mad because they didn't finance your oldest.

You chose your oldest. Live with that. Stop bitching about money. You finance your adult kid, they're making that possible by giving your younger two what you won't do or resent doing.

*I buy groceries for her and pay subs for my grandchildren.

What does this mean in monetary terms ? Groceries can mean a whole weekly shop or £20pm in nappies and formula
Subs can mean £50pm for one class or hundreds for multiple classes.

It’s obvious why your husband didn’t tell you. You’d be pissed off that dd1 is not getting financial support and try to get the support for dd2 and dd3 stopped. You shouldn’t be helping your children at the expense of your own comfort but dd1 is your clear favourite and no amount of money is going to change that she has a different dad. Why does dd3 and dd3 have to pay for your choice in father for dd1?

Treat your 3 children equally.
Why are you favouring your eldest? She is an adult and should be able to support herself. If you subside one, you should subside the others.
Be grateful that your husband's family are being so generous with their two grandchildren.

Yes this 100%

I'll put money on the oldest daughter having the monopoly on child care/baby sitting. The middle daughter having to pay for everything and the youngest being blamed because the middle daughter was given a night out by the GGP babysitting.

Op you are not a nice person. You need to control your daughter's lives and dictate who can and cannot have money/presents from their blood relatives.

My wife is in a similar position to your younger daughters...a month after we married in the early 90s, with a mortgage rate of 15% my father died. Leaving us with 2 houses to pay for. Pil offered no help.

Sil has not had a full time job since 1995 despite not having kids and being married to a guy who was a drunk. Pil gave her a brand new car, paid off her mortgage and mil has subsided her life for years.

There is a hell of a lot of resentment built up

So you couldn’t send money to your daughter at university, but subsidise another daughter at 30, so not young, plus, her two children. If you don’t see that your middle child was treated unfairly, it’s you who is unreasonable.

Yep. When I was a baby, they couldn’t afford a second cot so I slept in the bottom drawer in their bedroom until my sister had grown out or a cot. That graduated to when we were older, if there were only 2 beds anywhere, I slept cushions on the floor. Middle seat in the car (no seatbelts there in those days) I was about 9 before I got a bath to myself with clean water. Brother had his, sisters was then drawn, I bathed once she was done, but there’s no hot water left so got in to her dirty bath.

I remember when I met my husband, went to visit my mum and dad at their timeshare, I was surprised they said we were to take the master bedroom. They didn’t did this because he’s 6ft4 and didn’t want for him to have to sleep on the pull out bed, We were 27. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m 50 now so it’s easier for me to not be bitter, but it did become the story of my life.

Well, you may not want to send your youngest treat money, but that doesn’t mean your husband won’t.

Your husband and younger haven’t done anything wrong because they haven’t ceded total control over their relationships to you.

In trying to prevent division you have only succeeded in creating it. Carry on as you are and you’ll push your younger children even further away from you and your eldest. Your husband may also follow. Your choice.

You should treat all three equally; grandparents should treat both their granddaughters equally. If they choose to include the step-granddaughter at any level, that's very kind of them, but should not be expected and is a bonus.

You are uncomfortable with granny helping out her birth grandchild and not the step grandchild. I can see that. But you helped her then and continue to help her now.

I find it uncomfortable that you would be prepared not to support your youngest daughter in the same way.

I am sure you didn't mean it but it comes across as you think your eldest daughter deserves more from you than your youngest.

Have you actually discussed this with your DH? I suspect he may have an opinion on this, as he had previously supported your child.

YABU

You quite clearly have a favourite; your eldest.

You will be lucky if your 2 younger DDs keep in touch with you once they have their own families. You are punishing them

If you at all have the means, helping all of your children get a solid education through university is your responsibility.

there is likely no reason for you to be subsidizing a 30 year old woman. She can take care of her own household at this point.

I dint think it’s favouritism. I think the OP has some unhealthy mental health issues revolving around unresolved guilt.

she is over protective and over compensating for something either real or in her own head surrounding events involving her eldest.

ironically she has been punishing her youngest two probably for their entire lives and will likely never have a fulfilling relationship with them

I’ve read all your threads about your DHs relatives and I’m not surprised no one tells you anything if your responses are always so unhinged.
I am surprised your DH has not divorced you yet, I don’t think I could watch you play favourites among the kids and divide the family. Wonder what they would have to say about your behaviour. They probably need to join stately homes!

It amounts to the same thing. The younger two are missing out because of her obsession with providing/compensating for the oldest. She’s the priority.

'My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

so your husband's money has gone towards the above

but you do not want to give your youngest, whom is your husband's child as we;;, treats

what does your husband have to say about this ?

and what will you say if your husband withdraws his support when 'we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.'

and rule for one and something completely different for another - eh ?

You need to treat your children equally, so if two of them got treat money, the third deserves it too.

It’s worth thinking about why your husband and children felt the need to lie to you. It’s awful that they did, but they obviously did it for a reason.

Your sense of entitlement on behalf of your older daughter is strong, and it comes across. I expect this is why they hid it from you, because they knew there would be a fall out and understandably, they don’t want to deal with it.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does for your children op, what matters is that YOU treat them all the same, regardless.

She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

Both could be true. She could have loan plus help or the help is a loan from her grandmother. Why have you assumed she has lied?

I don’t understand this post and what’s the problem?

No, I wouldn’t give money to someone who wasn’t my grandchild. She has grandparents of her own to do that. Are her grandparents giving money to her step-siblings too? Or are the expectations all one way?