To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

It's making me wonder what you'd do in this situation: your oldest daughter meets a new partner, who is not brilliantly well off and who has a child who wants to do activities. Will you pay for that child's subs as well, and possibly future education costs too? Or will you stop paying for your grandchildren's subs, so they miss out?

It's fairly obvious thar OP would cancel Christmas and Birthday presents to middle and youngest daughter in order to get extra treats for the eldest's step-kid.

Just speak directly to both your younger daughters.
Explain that you find it hard to afford to give them treat money however you can help them out and they only need to ask if they are struggling..
Be pleased that their grandparents are being generous to them. Tell them that you are disappointed with the secrecy.

Do you always tell the others when you buy groceries for their older sister?
You are fine to treat your grandchildren but you need to make sure your oldest daughter is becoming as independent as she can.
Is she doing as much as she can to create wealth and provide for herself? Remember, she might not receive financial assistance from her father's family, nor from her step-father's family so she needs to work savvy and hard.

Oh, for goodness sake, leave things the way they are. Perhaps granny likes the idea of her doing a Masters and is happy to bank roll her. You are trying to take control of a situation which is already running itself quite smoothly. I would be furious if my mother poked her nose into my arrangement with granny. And, if I were granny, I would be furious if DD or DDIL poked her nose in. Let it be. Your youngest will present herself and her situation in all good time. What else would granny do with her money if she has some? My child was bank rolled by grandad and great uncle and she loved it and so did they.

OP - have you considered the actual sums involved? Say middle DD is getting a Masters with fees of £11k/ year plus £15k living costs... if her grandparents subsidise a super generous £5k/ year to reduce her loan... she still debt each year of £21k which is an awful lot. If they are giving her £30k/year then sure, she's fully taken care of.

The GP probably told them not to say anything to avoid you raising the roof because they didn’t give your daughter any money from them.

Look at the fuss you are making now, they all know now that you shouldn’t have found out. Your DH knew so why did you struggle to send money, didn’t you tell him you were sending money to your husband’s daughter ?

You, yourself, should treat all three of your daughters the same, regardless of what of what the GP have done for their flesh and blood.
Help your first DD get her life straightened out, Maybe she can advance her studies to support herself and her DC later in life.

I definitely agree

That would be a ridiculously expensive Masters! I know someone starting one in October; the fees are £5k. Student finance is £12k including fees.

When my son was looking masters, the decent ones at respected institutions were between 22 and £30,000. £5000 sounds like a bargain.

Fairly typical for science and engineering unfortunately! There is a huge range in fees for different course types.

UCL – https://share.google/zmx1ol5TGiXcU8sGf
Edinburgh - https://share.google/UCT4ly6XpGNdClKNY.
Cambridge - https://share.google/RJhQCM6sRl23NDSMe.

Stop buying groceries for the 30 year old and you’ll have spare money. She has to figure it out on her own. You are doing her no favours and frankly are part of the reason she is still
unable to stand on her own two feet.

OP - your response to this issue is SO weird !!

Another poster who doesn’t listen to a word everybody says - may as well talk to a wall.

OP, simply put you are in the wrong with this one! Your family lied to you because you are so unreasonable and delusional that they cannot tell you the truth because of how you’ll react.

You will alienate both of your younger kids if you aren’t careful. Your eldest daughter has played you like a fiddle and I cannot believe she allows you to subsidise her at her age. I’m sure she turns the tears on and you are silly enough to fall for her manipulation at the expense of the entire rest of your family. Silly woman.

This thread is so sad. I feel so sorry for the younger two.

Regarding your ILs Wills when the time comes. If they leave their grandchildren money (and step grandchildren in my experience are often not included in Wills) will you penalise your younger two by reducing their inheritance from you? So that your oldest child gets more from you in your own will? With your approach, logically that's what you should do. I mean, they will hate you for it like they probably do now of course. But you don't want them getting from their grandparents something your oldest didn't get from her own grandparents.

She will have probably done it all her life. And all the family will know. The grandparents will see it very clearly.

Tbf her DH should have clamped down on this year's ago.and controlled the OPs bad behaviour.

Yes her DH is as much at fault letting her cut off the relationship of his DD to their paternal family. He should’ve stood up for them years ago. and the sisters will never be able to be friends due to all the resentment built up from unfair treatment. Completely fractured the family.

A little matter of lying to her mother about having a loan?

Exactly. But the pile on is far too busy condemning OP to consider that dishonest behaviour.

You (and OP) don’t know that both things aren’t true or weren’t true at some point. She could’ve had a loan and the GP gave her money on top/paid fees and she kept the loan for expenses. Or had a loan and GP gave her the money to pay it back and fully funded her , or whatever other combination.

Dad knew. Probably for very good reason, mum has been kept out of the loop!

OP in years to come (if not already) you will realise you have fractured the relationship between your eldest and other daughters whilst also causing resentment and anger towards you.

Youll be the one who suffers most from your actions. Please take onboard the advice you’re being given on this thread

I find it more crazy your helping a 30 old woman who should be independent but refuse to help support a young woman in her studies regardless id her grandmother treats her

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit

I don’t understand this. Their grandmother gave/gives them extra $$ while they are at uni. How is this underhand? Why are daughters ‘complicit’? The $$ grandmother gives them doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else surely. No idea what the first daughter has to do with anything as she is not a grandchild?

Where do you get all this stuff about how OP will react? She is simply considering the fact that there is a mismatch between her younger daughters who have been subsidised by her in-laws, and her oldest daughter who hasn't, and the fact that the younger ones have been lying about this. Where is OP showing such an unreasonable response to this? What is her alleged delusion? As for all the stuff about the oldest daughter turning the tears on, that is complete fantasy on your part.

Why is it so terrible to help a 30 year old out financially? I did when my daughter was on maternity leave, knowing she had very little income and a lot of expenses. She didn't have to cry or manipulate me, I just took the view that that is what you do when you love your child. In OP's case, she also did the same for her middle child and now realises that actually middle child was pretty comfortable financially and that fact was being kept from her. She's entitled to feel pretty knocked sideways as a result.

How do you not understand that keeping quiet about it is underhand? Why would they all decide that OP shouldn't know about it?