To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

[SlothsRUs]

I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is nearly 30 and is a single mother with two children.

My husband and I supported her through college and we subsidise her with stuff to this day. She does not ask and we do so willingly.

We topped up our middle daughter while she was at university and she never asked us for money but always seemed to have money to go out and on holiday. She is now doing an MA and she claims that she has had a loan for this. I have now found out that in fact her grandmother has been subsidising her at university and has paid for the Masters.

I often struggled to send her money.

I am now tempted not to do the same for my youngest daughter as I very much suspect that she also has this arrangement.

I can’t believe how underhand husband’s family are and how my younger daughters are complicit.

What is your evidence that OP "clearly" gives her oldest daughter more than her sisters? Her opening post shows that she has tried to treat them all equally, and she only changed her mind about this when she realised that in fact it's not equal as the younger two are getting a big chunk of money she wasn't told about.

I think her previous thread shows how the OP has throughout their lives objected to her oldest child not being treated exactly the same as her youngest two by their grandparents. And penalising the younger two as a result as to how she herself treats them. So they seem to not trust her anymore. It's really sad and obviously she won't be able to solve it on her current trajectory.

@SlothsRUs I have never favoured my eldest. I don’t subsidise a lifestyle I buy groceries for her and pay subs for my grandchildren. Of course you have favoured your eldest! you are still supporting her when she should be standing on her own two feet!! whether or not she is a single mother is totally irrelevant!!! the other daughters and the grandparents are most likely aware of this favouritism! eldest is surely mature enough to know not to live beyond her means and to know how to spread her budget to be able to buy the groceries without you helping fill her cupboards!

You’re going to punish your youngest for a situation you don’t like concerning her sister?
Thats shocking. You’re basically damning your relationship. Your poor DD.

In view of this secrecy you were guilt tripped into giving them money you couldn't really afford. Awful underhand behaviour. They wouldn't be getting a penny more from me.

If it were me, I’d support my grandchildren, a step grandchild whilst I would be very fond of, would not fall under my optional responsibility.

If I were your youngest and you treated me differently, I would feel that you loved me less and minimise contact going forward in order to spare myself the heartache. Your pil have done nothing wrong. Your younger two have done nothing wrong. I don't think your husband is obliged to tell you what his parents do with their money. Especially if you have no relationship with them.

You treat all your kids equally. To do anything else never ends well and ends up in all sorts of resentment and rivalry.

If you are going to treat one sibling differently for a very good reason then it needs to be understood and agreed by the other siblings.

I have read all of your posts OP and I agree with the poster above, I think they nail it.

You clearly favour your older child and to continue supporting her whilst not supporting your youngest in uni is terrible.

On her other threads and even on this one. She wants to punish her youngest (because she suspects she MIGHT get money from grandparents when she goes to uni) and not give her any money at all , because of something her middle daughter did.

Last year she kicked off her 29!!! yo and her kids weren’t invited to a wedding. Not only did she have a go at the groom(after getting his phone number from her husband’s phone.. talk about underhanded) , she was mad the girls wanted to go. OP has form for this. She created this situation.

Reading OPs previous threads, this is one in a long line of MN posters who have a child from a previous relationship with a dad who doesn't care, then struggles to cope when they marry a new bloke whose family don't all treat their new SD the same. This one is interesting because it's playing out a couple of decades further down the line than the others.

I don't understand why people stay in relationships in this situation, when they're so upset about the attitude to their older child. You can't make the ILs treat your older DC as their own if they don't want to, so it ought to be a question of either accepting it or making it a deal breaker.

If your not careful you will lose both your younger dds

Wow yabvu!!!

Admit it you clearly favour your older daughter at the expense of your other 2 daughters. Frankly I'd be going low to no contact with you if I were your younger 2. You reap what you sow so expect this in the future.

You've no one to blame but yourself and can't see what your doing either it seems. You're mil can and has stepped in and you should be happy she's supporting your other daughter but oddly you have a major problem. Odd very odd!! If I was the husband I'd be considering going as well with you behaviour

Oh God, not you again. I remember you from previous posts. The GPs are just righting the wrong; your family money is being spent on your oldest (adult) child; they're just redressing the balance.

You're going to destroy any remaining relationship between your eldest and her two half-sisters.

What is more important your relationship with your daughters and their happiness or winning whatever battle it is you seem to be fighting with your husbands family

because at the moment it is the latter and not only will that affect your relationship with them it will also with in each

you could very well be the catalyst for a family split that you have spent years trying to make sure was even

YABU and I think you have been completely vile to your younger children. You have sabotaged their relationship with their family. DH's family did include your eldest child but they never had to treat her like another grandchild. You punished your younger children for your anger about this.

The fact that you are now considering not supporting your 18 yr old whilst continuing to support your 30 yr old grown daughter is shocking. It shows the younger 2 children exactly who is and who always has been favourite. Ask yourself why they didn't tell you they were getting financial support from GP's. They all probably knew you would create another drama, and they were right.

Don't be shocked in ten years when your younger children choose to have minimal contact with you.

Please can we have the link to the other thread
Thank you

Most parents would be happy to find out their child wasn't in debt!

At 30+ why is your oldest daughter not self sufficient?
Your youngest two want to better themselves through education - good on them!

@Internaut

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

Two more examples.

TBF, her husband is just as guilty of this. He never stood up to his wife or for his kids , he couldn’t be bothered to take his kids on his own to see his family (too tired, felt bad leaving the oldest behind) and probably couldn’t be bothered with the arguments. His kids missed out because he allowed it. Both him and OP took the easy way out. They still do (hence the lying on his part).

If you treated all your daughters the same, I can’t see why you’re bothered that the grandparents of two of them sending money to them affects you. It’s pretty normal to want to treat your grandchildren! It’s just bad luck that your first dd’s own grandparents apparently haven’t done the same.

But why on earth does this make you not want to give your youngest any money? that seems grossly unfair!

However, I also sent her money for treats while I struggled a bit. Not once did she say that she had extra money. She blatantly lied to me about the MA. Husband is complicit in this

I’d have a massive issue with both the DD and the DH, especially the DH. They have both lied to you to extract money you struggle to find, knowing she had another source of income.

Sharing out your limited funds to support your DC according to their needs is commonplace. If the DH parents want to subsidise their two GDDs that is up to them within reason/parental agreement. Conniving to lie to you about the situation it is absolutely not OK.

I've been a single mum to two children it isn't easy. Your daughter is lucky she had you to help. But why you so angry about your husbands parents helping your daughters out? When you have children from a previous relationship and you meet someone else it's literally a privilege for the new partners parents to treat your children like their own grandchildren. My mum treats all her step grandchildren the same as her actual grandchildren but my partners dad doesn't with my two children and it's crap. Think your self lucky and stop worrying that someone else is helping your children out too. Life really isn't easy these days it takes alot of money to get where you need to be

While I think her DH was a crap parent too, you do realise that he contributed to all these funds right? Both the ones going to the eldest and the middle daughter. It’s all out of joint funds, OP didn’t “struggle” on her own.