Partner’s best friend & constant passive aggressive remarks

[crazeepops]

I just feel as if OH’s best friend always picking on me and OH says nothing.

Examples:

”I cant believe your Mrs dosent have a car, she needs to have a car to take the kids out every day. I can’t believe this. Then compares me to a mutual fiends girlfriend claiming she drives her partner’s car and takes out baby few times a week and why can’t I drive etc.
This isn’t even true.

DC’s seems to get dirty ears a lot and as per NHS guidelines we don’t use ear buds and just clean the outside (GP advised this) and next thing he is saying “I can’t believe your Mrs neglects your son like this” etc.

Calling me lazy because I work part time.
His own partner has never worked a day in her life.

When DC was weaning I was told “I cannot believe DC has never eaten of your plate, you are really holding your child back”
First time parent, I am learning.

When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

The latest comment is about the fact I don’t feel feel comfortable sending DC to nursery and he has how saying I am “stopping DC progressing in life.”

I have told OH to refrain from repeating his comments to me as it just upsets me.
He evidently dosent like me, I don’t even know why as in the past I brought his birthday presents etc, let him stay with us when he was homeless etc.

AIBU to want to just cut him of?
As in not invite him round anymore and not making an effort?

I'd be more pissed off with my boyfriend, for repeating these nasty remarks.

That's very hurtful.

Have you tried asking him why he doesn’t get pregnant and give birth to your OH’s child if he thinks he’d do such a better job? Or maybe ask him if he’s in love with your OH as he seems very involved in his friend’s life. Call him out OP.

I have told OH to refrain from repeating his comments to me as it just upsets me.

Does he ever make these comments to you personally or is it just your partner telling you what his friend is supposed to have said?
Because if it 's just what your partner tells you what his friend said I would suspect it's actually not what his friend said at all but what he thinks himself.

Sometimes the comments are face to face, he will say them in a joking way but I can tell he really means it.

I did tell OH if he says anything again then I will bring up the fact that his own partner has never worked in her life as I am fed up of him always upsetting me.

I don’t question his parenting or decisions, he has kids with multiple women that he dosent even see.

Does the friend ever make these comments to you? If so, a STFU should suffice, in a joking way of course, just like he does.

Why doesn't your partner defend you? Why is he friends with someone who is so rude to you? The guy is clearly a prick but your partner is even more of one for not having your back. Not only does your partner just stand there when he's making these comments, he's also repeating them to you. Why would he do that?

Your boyfriend sounds like an utter dick.

If he stuck up for you and told his mate to belt up, he wouldn't be able to say these things to him, would he?

The fact he feels he can, points towards your bloke being accepting of him slagging you off.

And as for tittle tattling to you about it after he's allowed his mate to rinse you, honestly there are no words.

If anyone referred to me as ‘your missus’ in my presence, he’d be a very sorry individual shortly afterwards.

I love that you have a mutual fiend.

but he sounds fucking insufferable and no, you don’t have to pretend to like him or invite him over. Be busy if he is there at your Hs invite, sit away from him at the table, avoid and grey rock at absolute minimum. I currently have cancer and the thing I really regret is spending time with cunts when I didn’t have to. Freedom is yours! Just go upstairs and watch a show or something on your phone.

Alot of this stems from when me and OH almost broke up and were going through a bad patch.

I have told him I dont want anything to do with his friend.

Because he is OH’s best friend, OH dosent want to cause tension.

@Driftingawaynow I am so sorry to read this, I really hope you make a full recovery against this awful disease. Sending you a virtual hug. Thank you for your advice, it has made me see things differently xx

Why is he repeating his friends moronic chat?! No one cares what he thinks

I'd be telling your OH I want him to stop being friends with this scumbag and he needs to choose his family or scumbag. If it were me OH wouldn't be friends with him anymore, you're too weak.

You could continue to put up with this situation..
Or..
You could tell your OH you don't want this "Friend" anywhere near you. And you don't want to hear any more of his stupid comments.

and mean it.
You could, for example, Tell your OH that when this friend is making derogatory comments about you, OH's choice of partner, he is actually insulting OH.. and laughing at both of you.
You could say The friend is interfering in your relationship. and showing off that he can manipulate your OH.
You could Say that he thinks your OH is really dim not to realise this and that the Friend thinks he's really clever to keep getting away with it and just wants to see how much upset he can cause between you and that it seems to be really working.

Ask OH why he is putting up with this crap. Why he thinks its OK for you to be treated in this way. Why is he so passive when the friend behaves like this. Does he think the Friend wants to show that he is smarter and funnier than OH is?

Easier said than done I know.
You may find saying all that would be a bit much in real life but I think you need to say something.

Because he is OH’s best friend, OH dosent want to cause tension.

This means he'd rather upset you than upset his mate. Doesn't mind causing tension with you, does he? Or he wouldn't pass any of this on.

I'd be saying sarcastically 'oh yes, of course Father of the Year knows exactly how I should be doing everything' and when asked any more I would say 'won't be taking parenting tips from someone who doesn't even see his kids, thanks'. Bite back.

@crazeepops When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

Seriously? You're in hospital and your OH nods along with his friend saying it's normal and you're overreacting? The problem is not just the friend.

Tell the friend to fuck off.
Tell your DH you're not interested in anything his prick of a friend has to say and that if he was any sort of a partner he'd be telling him to STFU about you.

This! What the hell is your partner playing at? Why is he still friends with this guy?

My DH’s best friend since childhood made a very disrespectful comment about me once, it was nasty but I wasn’t mortified or anything, just thought it was odd.

My DH was horrified, cut him off immediately and hasn’t been in his life since. I didn’t have to ask, he just couldn’t be around someone that spoke about me like that. You need a new partner, everyone deserves better than that.

I'd dump your OH for being ok to sit and listen to his best friend criticize you and put you down!

Sounds like a toxic friend for your partner. No win situation for you. As Churchill says a fanatic is someone who can’t change their mind and won’t change the subject. So best to avoid his company for you. But be the bigger person and while avoiding his unpleasant company don’t complain about him too much. Only then will your OH begin to realise he is toxic. And you are his OH.

And ignore advice to throw grenade into relationship. This is only a last resort and not because your OH has an unpleasant and ignorant friend who they do not have the chutzpah to stand up to.

This all the way.

Hard agree. That's atrocious behaviour.

Read OH the riot act. He needs to bloody well stand up for you, and you for yourself too! Stop tolerating this twit.

Your oh needs to grow a pair