Partner’s best friend & constant passive aggressive remarks

[crazeepops]

I just feel as if OH’s best friend always picking on me and OH says nothing.

Examples:

”I cant believe your Mrs dosent have a car, she needs to have a car to take the kids out every day. I can’t believe this. Then compares me to a mutual fiends girlfriend claiming she drives her partner’s car and takes out baby few times a week and why can’t I drive etc.
This isn’t even true.

DC’s seems to get dirty ears a lot and as per NHS guidelines we don’t use ear buds and just clean the outside (GP advised this) and next thing he is saying “I can’t believe your Mrs neglects your son like this” etc.

Calling me lazy because I work part time.
His own partner has never worked a day in her life.

When DC was weaning I was told “I cannot believe DC has never eaten of your plate, you are really holding your child back”
First time parent, I am learning.

When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

The latest comment is about the fact I don’t feel feel comfortable sending DC to nursery and he has how saying I am “stopping DC progressing in life.”

I have told OH to refrain from repeating his comments to me as it just upsets me.
He evidently dosent like me, I don’t even know why as in the past I brought his birthday presents etc, let him stay with us when he was homeless etc.

AIBU to want to just cut him of?
As in not invite him round anymore and not making an effort?

This!

Oh nice. Simple and to the point!! And useful for everything he says!! 😂

Your OH is sharing far too much with this friend! He does not need to tell him anything about your health or your children's, with this attitude he has.
I would not bring what his partner does into it, she is not the one making the comments.
I would not invite this person. Neither would I want to see them.
Now, your OH has much to take account for if he belueves your are exaggerating a womb infection! Because the influence of this friend. Your OH needs to face that this friend may not be a good influence indeed....

" mate, why don't you fuck off"
Is the sentence you need. Then tell your partner the same thing. Stop spending time with this man and ban him from your house.

The problem is that your OH can’t say anything to him because he’s just repeating the bitchy comments OH’s made.
So your only option is to take it up with the friend and go full offensive. Don’t slag off his girlfriend though because then she’ll hate you too.

Very good advice. Why are you telling me? What is it you want me to take away from it? Are you saying I’m xyz? Make your dipshit OH think twice.

I don't question your parenting or decisions. I have no idea why you think your comment is a joke but that's your problem

Next time look him straight in the eye; say the above and leave!

If BF moans/is angry tell him you will no longer tolerate it. Tell him you expect him to not tolerate you being treated like that

And think carefully whether this is the relationship for you!!

Some comments to throw back to both your partner and his best friend
”did you really mean to say that out loud?”
”next time, think before you open your mouth, then you won’t come across as rude and offensive”
”did you mean to be rude or is that just your personality?”
“Fascinating, but what’s your point” - this one is especially good for when your partner relays the comments, it puts the ball in his court to think about what was said.
”Do you often give out unsolicited “advice”?” Make sure you use air quotes around advice.
”Did all the mothers of your children thank you for your “advice” on parenting also? How’s that going?”
to your boyfriend- “maybe you should marry bf then” - I used this one on my husband when he told me how his friends wife did stuff except I said he should “F off marry friends wife then if she’s so perfect”
“you really can’t stop thinking about me can you?” This one will rile your OH.
“Did you rehearse that before it came out of your mouth or was it just spur of the moment drivel?”
“That’s such a bold opinion, coming from you”
“Aw, bless, you have parenting advice when you barely see your own kids.”
”I’m sorry, I don’t understand why that was funny, can you explain it?”
”please keep talking, I love seeing who you really are” - based on if someone shows you who they are- believe them!

Have you actually heard the best friend saying these things? Or are they all reported speech? I had a gaslighting oh for a while, and found out he was reporting complete lies to me about his friends and family and vice versa - he was an addict and did this so that none of us trusted each other enough to talk about him.

Or my favourite is 'sorry do.i know you' they will answer with yes ism.xyz upu know that , then reply 'ah right sorry I thought you were someone important '

So OH dosent really see my point and is refusing to back me up.

His friend has also made some of these comments in my presence.

I wanted a patio done and his friend does these kind of jobs as a second income, OH had promised him the job and he was calling everyday to see when he could provide a quote etc.

Yesterday when his friend come round I told him I would never give business/money to someone who basically talks shits too me and about me.
I asked if he had a problem and he said he didn’t I said well I am fed up of your rudeness and passive aggressive comments.
He walked off in the end.

OH was embarrassed and told me I had gone to far I said well you can get of my house as well.

I feel a lot better letting it all out lol.

Lovely!
I also like "Do you have to work hard at being so unpleasant, or does it just come naturally?"

Absolutely well done you, he deserved that, snd no, I wouldn't of given him a penny of my money

👏🏻👏🏻 🥳 Very well done, OP!! Perfect!! 😂

Wow that he didn’t see your point and wouldn’t back you up. And another wow at him thinking you’d gone too far!

Every time DH repeats the friend criticising the parenting of your joint children, I’d reply with “are you going to let him criticise your parenting like that when he doesn’t see his own kids”

If DH is clear that it’s you who is criticised I’d be clear that no, it isn’t. The kids have two parents and if friend thinks they aren’t being taken to the zoo enough, or having their ears cleaned enough or whatever, then that is as much a criticism of him as it is of you.

Well done!!! I hope your partner starts to see sense and get rid of this guy.

Is it your house? As in your OH doesnt have any right to come back

Good for you op see how he responds to you telling the truth and being honest but it’s his mate he defended so I hope this tells you where you stand in his priorities. The fact he can’t even see your issue with his mate shows his lack of respect for you.

Well done, OP!

Blooming well done @crazeepops ...

He walked out!! Total result. The marvellous thing about finally offending a complete Gobshite - especially one that after all his bluster is too cowardly to answer a simple question, "Do you have a problem with me." - is that they keep away from you because they know now you will stand up to them and they won't keep getting away with it.

He didn't challenge you when you said that because HE KNOWS that he was doing it, an unspoken admission.

I think your partner will calm down, you actually showed him that the Friend is weak and hopefully that will give him pause for thought.

The thought of having to pay that Gobshite hard earned money and have him loafing around your house taking ages to do your patio and spewing out more comments would have been unbearable. Its so odd that given all your complaints about this friend that your DH would have thought it was fine to having him turning up at your house for several weeks.

You can always say sweetly. Why is he offended? I simply told him what I've been saying to you that I don't like his rude ness and pass agg comments. If anyone had said that to me I'd have been apologising for upsetting them... I notice he did not.

Also you can repeat to your DH that its is NEVER a good idea to have friends doing work for you. It never works out. I know of so many instances where the friend takes too long to do the work ( because they are not actually familiar with that particular job or don't have the right tools) or decides on certain days that they don't need to turn up, or since its taking too long ask for more money than they initially estimated... or don't give a price and then give an inflated one at the end. He sounds like the type to do all of those things.

This is brilliant and I really wish I'd had this advice when mine were young!!!!

Well done OP I salute you. These entitled men need taking down several pegs.

Love this.

Well done! Bet his patio would have been shit anyway.

Oh, I bet he just walked away, the absolute shitebag! Good for you.