Partner’s best friend & constant passive aggressive remarks

[crazeepops]

I just feel as if OH’s best friend always picking on me and OH says nothing.

Examples:

”I cant believe your Mrs dosent have a car, she needs to have a car to take the kids out every day. I can’t believe this. Then compares me to a mutual fiends girlfriend claiming she drives her partner’s car and takes out baby few times a week and why can’t I drive etc.
This isn’t even true.

DC’s seems to get dirty ears a lot and as per NHS guidelines we don’t use ear buds and just clean the outside (GP advised this) and next thing he is saying “I can’t believe your Mrs neglects your son like this” etc.

Calling me lazy because I work part time.
His own partner has never worked a day in her life.

When DC was weaning I was told “I cannot believe DC has never eaten of your plate, you are really holding your child back”
First time parent, I am learning.

When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

The latest comment is about the fact I don’t feel feel comfortable sending DC to nursery and he has how saying I am “stopping DC progressing in life.”

I have told OH to refrain from repeating his comments to me as it just upsets me.
He evidently dosent like me, I don’t even know why as in the past I brought his birthday presents etc, let him stay with us when he was homeless etc.

AIBU to want to just cut him of?
As in not invite him round anymore and not making an effort?

This with Bells on..
Don't start a debate with the Prick Friend.
Don't engage with his nonsense..

People like this love a debate on the subject. If its something that is upsetting you its very difficult to argue with them.. and they love that. Just tell him to shut up and or get out.
If you can't avoid him - have some good phrases up your sleeve... like "I'm not debating your insulting nonsense anymore. You've crossed a line, Stay away from me." Or if you want to go low "I'm not taking advice from sofa surfer who is too inadequate to hold down a relationship." Or even something as simple as Miranda's "Rude!" Or the schoolyard "So you say"

Just tell your DH, this man is NOT welcome in our home.
He will push back , but don't argue just say "I hear what you are saying but he's not welcome in our home." *You have my full sympathy, but he's not getting anymore opportunities to be rude to me in my own home."

I've found that if you just keep saying this is not happening I wont put up with it, There's not much people can do.
You will get gas lit and complaints but you already are so no difference there.

Also Ask your DH why he gets a kick out of repeating the PF's insulting words of wisdom to you.

Translation of DH's crap comments -
“life is too short to care what anyone says, "
= The fault lies with you because You care too much about what other people think. People like me can shrug it off. You are spending too much time on this (It's trivial and not important)

we have more then most people,

Translation: You are comfortably off and you do not appreciate how lucky you are. Therefore you should stop talking about this and put up with it, because you should be counting your blessings. (the religious guilt argument my Mum used to use... why worry about that when there are famines in the world) It's a way of saying your concerns are unimportant.

"as long as we don’t let people bring us down and don’t do bad to anyone.”

Translation; You are allowing PF's comments to get to you my dear. Make sure you are not unkind to him.

This is all such a load of BS.. basically telling you to put up and shut up.. so that he doesn't have to do anything about it or have your back or risk himself offending PF.

One thing that occurs to me is that PF wants to the be Alpha of his group... It's difficult for him to be that when he's homeless and no woman can stand being in a relationship with him ( I wonder why).
He definitely thinks he's higher in the pecking order than your DH, who has so much more (but doesn't seem to appreciate it) So in order to make himself seem above DH, he has to put him down a notch. He does that by criticising you..The reasoning is that DH can't be all that if he has a partner that PF doesn't value. So every time he puts you down and your DH does nothing and doesn't stand up for you.. he's almost saying to PF that he is loyal to PF, and accepts his Beta position. The PF is laughing his head off at DH's weakness and lording it over both of you. Do you think PF would let your DH say such things to his partner if he ever gets another one?
That is my non expert theory anyway. Maybe you should suggest that PF is laughing at DH's lack of spine and loyalty to you.

Hey op your op is no better than his friend any decent bloke would say hey pack that in she’s my partner and defending you. The fact he repeats what he says makes me think your oh agrees, I would not warn oh but next time he snipes just say oh yeh your father of the year how many kids do you have again? What does your oh do. oh yeh I forgot nothing so she must be lazier than me then and just walk away. I think if they can give it they should take it and I wouldn’t care what oh said it’s gone past pretending now. But your oh is just as responsible for his behaviour he’s enabling him.

You do not have to put up with this crap, just don't be in his company, avoid him if he comes to your house go in another room. No one should be subject to this

There are always going to be nasty people in life but it’s up to us who we allow to be in our space and part of our life and friendship circle.

Unfortunately your OH doesn’t respect you or have your back so is allowing this person in their life. Any decent bloke would be fuming at these comments, your OH either agrees or doesn’t say anything.

This isn’t a friend issue, it’s an OH issue. Unforgivable imo

This.

Ypu have a boyfriend problem for allowing these unpleasant comments to continue.

Your OP needs to put his shitty friend in his place the next time he decides to give his unwanted opinion.

I would give my OH a good talking to and never host the best friend ever again.
Your OH has to decide what is more important a happy home life or his relationship with his best friend- it's a straight choice.

Your partner is a wet blanket and his friend is a twat. Next time I would give him a spoonful of his own medicine and then wink and say only joking.

I just had a thought, OP. Do you know for a fact that the friend actually said these things? I ask this because there is sneaky form of emotional abuse where the abuser claims to be repeating nasty things somebody else said. It's a way to insult you while claiming to have clean hands. My ex MIL was a champ at this. She would tell me other relatives had said this or that about me, but when I asked them they said they had not. They told me MIL had been making up those kind of stories most of her life. I believed them. The woman was a nasty piece of work and had been caught in lies many times. So is there a possibility your partner is just pretending the friend said these things?
It strikes me as incredibly strange that he would believe some ignorant layperson about a medical condition you had. You were in the hospital, so obviously it wasn't normal. Would he really believe that the hospital would admit you for something that was normal? He's have to be beyond stupid to believe such a thing just because some friend said it, so that has my spidey senses tingling. You may be dealing with a highly manipulative person. If it is the friend doing it, a man who truly cares about you and respects you would not put up with these insults towards you, so your partner must be getting something out of it or he would have already asked him to stop. It just doesn't add up and it stinks to high heaven of something really ugly.

Yeah was about to say the same thing....this is your DH using his mate as a mouthpiece

Do it! If your partner isn’t being strong enough to stand up for you, stand up for yourself. If it causes problems, tough luck! Why should he be allowed to be an arsehole without expecting any response? 😡

Your OH is the problem here. If he didn't want tension he wouldn't be telling you these things or allowing his friend to say it to you. I suspect he is actually enjoying using his friend to have digs at you.

He let himself become homeless yet feels he can criticise you? (Not having a dig at people being homeless but I would expect it’s a very grounding, sobering thing to happen and if/when you pulled yourself out of it you’d appreciate peoples struggles)

In truth, from a male perspective, it’s highly possible that he fancies you and this gets him attention, even if it’s negative attention. By making the comments in a lighthearted way, he’s possibly trying (badly) to show you that he’s edgy and witty. In actual fact, whatever the reason, he’s a twat.

Tell him to fuck off, directly.

Why isn't OH standing up for you & kicking him into touch (not literally....or.....) - sounds more like an OH problem, rather than a random' friend' problem, who has no clue, just another 'know it all', obviously qualified with a degree & several years experience in womb infections......- (did he go to boys boarding school by any chance?) / why does this random feel he has any right at all to comment about you at all? And WHY does your OH allow it? (Does 'random friend' even know what a womb is??).

No offence meant to the many lovely kids at boarding school btw....

He’s jealous, got an inferiority complex or likes to gaslight women? Personally I’d not have him round to the house and would cut ties. Tell you’re boyfriend you’re not interested in spending time with someone who puts you down.

My rule is whenever anyone repeats something someone has said about me is asking them, why did they feel so comfortable telling you this.

Because if he was a good partner and speaking up for you then this guy wouldn't still be saying these things directly to him.

"Thanks for your considered parenting opinion, random guy with kids with various different women."

"You know fuck all, mate. Shut the fuck up."

Also your other half needs to have your back and defend you to him. And realise that his mate is a toxic arsehole.

Who the heck does he think he is? Wtf is wrong with your partner? Very weird.
Why does your partner need an agony aunt?
I would be furious with the pair of idiots.
He needs to dump his friend or lose his family.

Show dh this thread.

I'm concerned that your OH repeats these comments because he agrees with them OP. Do you ask him that? I would be, every time.
I'd be fighting back when said to my face - even if it's just repeating a well rehearsed come back.
I'd be requesting that OH deal with the comments as they occur - put him on the spot.
I wouldn't be spending time with this friend - how often does he visit?
Your OH sounds weak and easily manipulated at best - manipulative at worst.
Edited for spelling

I don’t think the friend is the main problem here. Your ‘D’P is obviously engaging in this conversation which will encourage the friend

Something along these lines, OP. You need to shut him up!

Also, have a strong word, or several, with DH, although, he seems too passive, and/or worse, also believes the things prick of a ‘friend’ is saying, which is why he’s not sticking up for you. He isn’t sticking up from you against a bully. What is DH getting from his ‘best’ friend? Does he have any other friends? What are they like?

You absolutely don’t have to hang about when ‘best friend’ comes round. And you absolutely don’t have to make any effort with him!!

Know your worth. In your own house!!

Oh this!!