Partner’s best friend & constant passive aggressive remarks

[crazeepops]

I just feel as if OH’s best friend always picking on me and OH says nothing.

Examples:

”I cant believe your Mrs dosent have a car, she needs to have a car to take the kids out every day. I can’t believe this. Then compares me to a mutual fiends girlfriend claiming she drives her partner’s car and takes out baby few times a week and why can’t I drive etc.
This isn’t even true.

DC’s seems to get dirty ears a lot and as per NHS guidelines we don’t use ear buds and just clean the outside (GP advised this) and next thing he is saying “I can’t believe your Mrs neglects your son like this” etc.

Calling me lazy because I work part time.
His own partner has never worked a day in her life.

When DC was weaning I was told “I cannot believe DC has never eaten of your plate, you are really holding your child back”
First time parent, I am learning.

When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

The latest comment is about the fact I don’t feel feel comfortable sending DC to nursery and he has how saying I am “stopping DC progressing in life.”

I have told OH to refrain from repeating his comments to me as it just upsets me.
He evidently dosent like me, I don’t even know why as in the past I brought his birthday presents etc, let him stay with us when he was homeless etc.

AIBU to want to just cut him of?
As in not invite him round anymore and not making an effort?

When hospitalised for a womb infection he told OH I was “over reacting” and it’s “normal”.
Even my OH thought I was making it up after listening to him.

what the fuck.

He can’t believe this…he can’t believe that…he can’t believe the other.
Who is he? Victor Meldrew?
And all his “knowledge” about medical matters, maternity, bring up children?
Is he a HCP/MW?
Or is he just a slimy bastard who impregnates women, pisses off, and from his limited experience spouts shit?
More fool your OH listening to him, for being influenced and encouraged by him to disrespect you.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

Your OH doesn't want to cause tension? He's causing tension with you!

I'd be asking him very seriously why he feels comfortable letting his friend repeatedly disrespect his partner and the mother of his child in his presence without so much as setting him straight, let alone kicking him to the curb. I'd want to know why he would even tolerate the presence of such a person as a one off, let alone a long term friendship.

Your OH sounds like a wet lettuce who needs to grow up and make a decision about where his loyalties lie.

I've come across people like this 'friend' before. Absolute losers, often can't maintain a decent relationship of their own so they latch on to someone with no backbone and do everything they can to cause friction between them and their partner. They're jealous and lonely, and hate the fact that your OH is more focused on you than them, so they do everything they can to cause tension and stir the pot.

My OH would react extremely badly to someone disrespecting me in the way you describe - and vice versa - let alone maintain a friendship with them. And if he did, I'd show him the door for respecting me as little as his friend does.

I'd question whether your BF likes you! Why is he repeating the nasty comments? I'd be questioning my relationship before I would even bother giving the friend a second thought. The friend is a moron, the actual issue is with your partner.

Agree with this. It's your partner trying to add weight to his own Royal Shittiness. Otherwise he'd shut him down not repeat it.

Insecure people tend to put others down as they then feel better about themselves. He thinks that you're better than him, is maybe jealous that his friend (your partner) has a great relationship with you (where he's failed numerous times amd has children with women he never sees) and wants to drive a wedge between you. He may like being the one that knows stuff about babies and is enjoying the attention. Whatever his reasoning it's not about you, he just wants his friend to himself and is jealous his friend has a great little family life.
I'm not sure what I'd do next. It's hard to know how your partner will see this. I suggest you try and educate your partner about weaning, and read up on nursery etc together so that he sees the problems with his friend himself. Also just repeat, you need to stop saying that I do not neglect my child, we're following what the Dr has told us about the ears. Then look at your partner and say that's right isn't it.
My take on nursery is that socialising is important for children, so lots of playdates and trips to playgroups or similar. Nursery can help socialise but it's also a low adult to child ratio but they are getting some education. However good quality one to one attention from parents is the best option. Take your little one to a library, get involved with activities there, borrow and read books together. Take your child to playgroups. Point out things when you're out and about, look that's a duck, can you see the letter A, what colour is that? etc, do some counting, learn the alphabet. They won't miss out if you give them opportunities.
It sounds like you're an excellent mum and this insecure man knows it and is threatened. Also you have a dear partner problem if this continues.

I had this problem many years ago. Comment after comment which peaked on my wedding day (immidately after ceremony). Thereafter he foolishly attempted to dictate where people sat at the head table (he was best man) despite the seating plan.

I was aware I had a "DH problem", I didn't press him as I didn't want to be blamed for ruining friendship further down the line.

I eventually sat and wrote out examples of unacceptable comments and examples then called him for a chat. I was very calm and polite but explained I didn't appreciate how he spoke to me and that he needed to button it if he had nothing nice or constructive to say. He grasped at straws and perceived slights on my part, which I was easily able to address (eg)

him: you didn't make make me feel welcome when I came around on x day.

Me: Well no I didn't, but whilst you beeddd to collect your suitcase from my house, it was my wedding night and it wasn't really appropriate for you to hang around expecting me to stay up and host in the early hours of the morning. You should have collected bag and gone.

I then set boundaries. One of which was basically to shut his mouth if he had nothing nice to say.

He wasn't happy and was quite shirty, but I kept my cool. We've rubbed along fairly nicely since. Might be worth considering this approach if he isn't volatile.

Your husband sounds like an easily led, spineless person. And you need to address that with him.
In terms of his mate, who is an insecure dickhead, I’d just cut him off at the knees.
“Brian, when was the last time you saw x y or z child? Oh, that’s right, you don’t. So unless and until you start parenting your own children I suggest, very strongly, you shut the fuck up about how I parent mine. Do you understand that or do I need to draw it for you in crayon?”
Pricks like him need shutting down.

This 'friend' is a misogynist and hates women.

Why is it solely your job to clean your childs ears and not your partners? Or go on day trips here there and everywhere? Yes it makes life easier to drive and gives you independence (please do consider it) but it's none of his business.

Sounds like he thinks women should be doing all the childcare and your situation is holding a mirror up to his inadequacies by having a partnership whereas he just buggers off and leaves the mothers to it.

I do think you need to get a backbone and call him and your partner out. Rather than get upset be straight "stop telling me what I'm doing wrong".

You mentioned he lived with you when he was homeless and has various children he never sees. Why does your partner want a friend like this? He sounds like an absolute waster and needs to sort his own pathetic life out.

I don’t understand why you don’t answer back immediately. I would! If he criticises you for not working full time, for instance, what on earth is stopping you from asking how he feels then about his own partner who doesn’t work at all?

When he criticised you for making a fuss when you’d actually been hospitalised, I would have said something like "I’ll tell the consultant to ask you for your advice, since you obviously know better than him/her".

When he criticises your parenting, what’s stopping you criticising his? (Or his lack of parenting.)

Or is it that he doesn’t say these things to you but to your partner, who repeats them to you? In that case the problem is your partner.

Your partner seems to be rather in awe of him. Rather than getting upset, I would take the piss out of the friend. ‘What words of wisdom does super nanny have for me today?’ type stuff. That way it might sink in that his friend is being a bit ridiculous.

“Oi, cuntface - have you ever had a Ninja Foodie shoved a very long way up your nostril? Keep talking if you want to find out what it feels like.”

Should get your point across.

When your partner tells you what his friend says, say something like. “ I realise twat’s opinion is very important to you, but as I’ve said before- I don’t want to hear it. But as you’ve brought it up again, his comments are as much a criticism of you as they are me. You chose me and as far as I know you are happy with how we live our lives. And of course anything he thinks we are doing wrong with our child is as much your responsibility as mine. I don’t know why you take so much shit from him.”

When the twat does actually say something to your face. “I don’t know if I’m supposed to be flattered by your interest in me, but I just find it weird. If you’re struggling with a little crush or something, keep it to yourself.”

Very much a OH problem to me. Not defending you but instead repeating what his friend said is like him indirectly agreeing with him. No point in focussing on friend as it’s the almost enabling behaviour of your OH (including continuing to have him at the house) that is causing your upset. Horrible people are everywhere that’s not a surprise but how your OH is choosing to respond despite knowing your upset is.

So this man is lying scum. He’s a shit father, a judgmental prick and he makes stupid shit up.

Has your husband got learning difficulties? Why is he so easily swayed by this shit man? Why did he believe him over your doctors? Why is he so easily led? Also, why is he telling you all this random shit this man says about you?

This friend of your H’s is a nasty twat, but your H is so beyond pathetic I can’t even say.

This is mostly on your DH. You said this stemmed from a rocky period in your relationship. It’s stemming from your DH. He is punishing you and roping friend in with him. By roping I’m not saying he says why don’t you say mean things to my wife I love that. I mean he says shit things about you to his friend and his friend responds likewise and your DH eggs him on till you have got to this point with friend saying what he likes in front of you and behind back - which DH repeats (also not normal). It’s really not healthy as most people feel intense loyalty to their life partner. You DH seems to take pleasure in him and friend putting you down.
You need to talk to him and see if you can air the damage that rocky episode caused in the relationship. Were nasty things said? Then tell your DH he needs to reset to how he was before this if you are to build a happy relationship. And that means he has to talk to his best friend and tell him to stop too.
If he is willing to do this then your relationship has a chance. But otherwise I’d be looking at the relationship seriously and considering was it worth spending my life with someone who wanted to punish me and roped his friend in too.

I’d honestly be wondering if my partner was trying to get me to dump him in this situation. Why else would he keep repeating all this absolute shite his mate says? And letting him to talk to you like crap and saying nothing. He’s basically the guys trad wife. Nodding along at everything the guy is saying and repeating it as fact as and when.

I’d be saying ‘I know your OH’s best friend- but I’ve no idea why. I only take advice from
people I respect and as you’re not on that list - you are wasting your breath.’
I’d also be finding something to do or going out if he visits ( without having time to make them anything to eat!).
And your OH should have your back as others have said.

Tell your OH that you can’t understand why he’s friends with someone who’s so horrible about you, & what good he thinks it does to repeat his nasty comments.

I suspect the friend is jealous of you. He’s been homeless, has children he doesn’t see with multiple women, & perhaps his current relationship is not what he wants.

Who cares? He shouldn’t project all his shit on to you. Tell your OH that you never want to see his friend again, & that he’s not welcome in your home. You also never want to hear anything about him again, including what he’s said about you.

Then have a long hard think about your real problem - your OH.

You have an OH problem, the friend is just the highlighter.

Why did you procreate with someone who doesn't like you enough to put you first?

Kick his arse to his mates kerb, if his mate is so amazing, hope they have a happy life together, oh and when the friend comes round again - get the fuck out of my house - i don't fucking like you, you don't fucking like me so fuck off. OH can fuck off out too if he wants to see you, its not in this house.

Friend sounds lime a total loser who criticises you to make himself feel better. Anyone can end up homeless but having kids by multiple women and not seeing them is low life behaviour.
I agree with others, why does your partner not want to upset him?

Your OH likes to slag you off and belittle you to his mate, he then repeats his friends summary of you back. Your OH is the problem, he is the cause of you feeling hurt and judged harshly because he is trying to gain sympathy that he has to go out to work full time whilst his lazy OH has sat on her arse and not bothered to clean DC waxy ears etc. When you were hospitalised from a womb infection he then told him you were faking it in order to gain sympathy and how hard done by he was juggling work and the DC.
He doesn’t want you to find out it’s actually him causing his friend to be incensed and to shoot his mouth of because it’s his sneaky way of putting you down and making you unhappy.
If you stood up to his friend and told him he is out of order, he is likely to spill out what he’s been told by your OH and then it will be become clear your OH’s role in all of it.
You are being criticised, ridiculed and emotionally attacked by proxy.

He fancies your OH.

ANYONE that uses the phrase ‘Mrs’ in that context is an absolute tool and should be disregarded.

these type of comments always stem from low self esteem. That doesn’t excuse them.

DH should have your back. But also don’t forget this ‘friend’ is a small minded, insecure man. Don’t give him another thought.

I don’t question his parenting or decisions, he has kids with multiple women that he dosent even see.

Start questioning it, every time he comes up with comments about your parenting.

And start questioning how your partner even manages to be friends with someone like this. Frankly, he sounds pretty despicable.