Enough is enough: DP needs to get a job now

[lucyellensmum]

Everymorning i wake up and i have a knot in the pit of my stomach and i feel sick. I'm not pregnant, its stress!! Ive posted so much about this its like a broken record. DP is "trying" to run his own building business, well its just him. He has no time management skills and is underestimating jobs left right and centre. For the past two years our income has been 7K and the only way we have managed is to borrow from my mother and get into horrendous credit card debt (vicious circle).

All i hear from him is, "i just need to get this job (nightmare job) out of the way, then im going to change it around and make some money" great, but i hear it every single fucking job. The job he is working on this week, was supposed to bring some money in, but guess what, it is taking significantly longer than he thought . So i imagine he will be trotting the same old line out over again.

People have suggested i help out, more than i do, which is typing invoices and sorting the accounts. But its not possible for me to say how long a job will take, all i know is that it will take longer than he estimates and subsequently prices for.

Its coming up to time to pay the mortgage and he promised me faithfully there would be money - well, we have had no money for over two months now and he is borrowing from the mortgage overdraft and hadn't told me til he let it slip.

I've made hints that i want him to get a job, the frustrating thing that he could easily earn 30K, be home by 5-6 every night and not work weekends.

People have also suggested that I should get a job. Well maybe, BUT when i had DD we discussed this and both agreed that it would be better if i were a SAHM, DD starts school next year and i will definately be going back to work then. I would get a job in an instant if DP was earning his limit and we were still struggling, but he choses to do this. I suggested to him that I get a job now and he takes a year out to look after DD. He said that he really wants the business to work and that, you've guessed it, The next job................

Am i being selfish here?? I really can't stand much more - i would be financially more secure if i left and went on benefit. But how can i do that, DD adores her daddy and he adores her. I love him deeply too and i think he loves me (we have had a bad patch - is there any wonder). Im just sick of waking up everymorning withthe feeling that i need to rush to the medicine cabinet to take my ADs.

thinking on this issue - my mum went to uni when I was about 5, qualified as a teacher, and worked from then on.

Had she been at home all the time of course I would have loved that/seen a couple of hours more of her a day but I wouldn't have had the fantastic example I had of admiring my clever, professional mum and seeing at first hand what women can do at work

I think when you're a really nurturing 'being there' kind of mum it is very easy to overlook the fact that there are other ways to 'bring up' our children, one of these being setting an example of life outside the home as well as in it

well yes, i have just spoken to him about applying for the job and he said NO i cant win

I'm sorry.????

He said 'NO' and thats it ?? FGS woman, stand up for yourself. be proactive, if not that job, then another . You are in serious doo-doo. 'NO' isnt going to pay the bl**dy mortgage is it?

sorry. I'm going to bed now.

I admire you for NOt getting on your high horse too much as we all shout at you.... take care

lst x

HonoriaGlossop that's exactly what I was about to type!

lucyellensmum, I think that you should be getting a job, even a part time one. You say that you can't bear to leave your child alone all day - well next year your going to have to! So why not start now and help your family's finances out at the same time?

LEM - he cannot stop you applying for (and getting) a job.
FGS, this is YOUR life. You are not simply some appendage to your DH's life.

Oh come on! There are 9 minutes between your posts and in that time you've had a conversation with your husband about applying for a job?

9 minutes?!

That's not a proper conversation about a significant change in the lifestyle of your family. A significant change that could resuce you financially. This need to be taken seriously and a proper conversation about the pros and cons.

to be fair lobster, the conversation went "theres a job in the paper i wouldnt mind applying for" "um, what about DD" "she would have to go into nursery" "no"........he has a sore throat and is feeling like shit, not the best time. So the other part of the nine minutes i was having a wee

So it wasn't even 9 minutes

I hear you.

Just apply for it and talk it through with him when he's feeling a bit better. Well, that's what I'd do anyway.

Good luck whatever happens.

Lem, I think the difference in attitude is that you now have the attention of the evening crowd, the women who DO work and cant post from work, as opposed to the morning crowd who may be sahms like you.

I have no advice for you, as my head is spinning from working only in the evening when the kids have gone to bed as at the moment I find myself without any childcare and a job that needs doing regardless.

Sorry to say this LEM I have read your posts before and I think you come accross as intelligent and perceptive as well as self-aware but you CANNOT in this day and age rely totally on your partner to support his family in dire staits like these.

It's your responsibility to be proactive and get an income of your own. You were priveleged to have the choice to be a SAHM and now circumstances have taken that away from you.

Your dd will love the company of other kids in childcare, she'll admire her Mummy when she's older for being strong and independent and you will be role modelling the skills that she needs to make a go of it in this World.

I know from previous posts you're more highly qualified than the majority of us so get out there and use them!!

Hey you.

Dh was self employed too. He stuck at it for over 12 years but lately in his line of work (builder) there have been so many cut backs & fewer new houses being built as the market is so shit that he had to give up the self employment... when he was self employed we managed fine. I was able to go & do my degree & we weren't really struggling until the last few months when he was deciding to get a job.

In those few weeks I was trying to get a job. I would have walked away from uni to get a job to help my family out. DH wasn't sleeping at night with the stress of being the only earner & not earning anything worth talking about!!

He finally saw a job in the paper, it was far less money than he had been earning & the monthly wage would just about cover our outgoings, that wouldn't be including any luxuries like a coffee out or a bag of chips.

I talked him into applying for it as I couldn't bear to see him lose anymore sleep. He got the job & still worried that our bills wouldn't be cleared.

I went to see a man about work experience as I was hoping to get my MA funded... he offered me a job!

So I have been working now since March & I can't tell you how much it has changed me as a person. I am so different, even the kids have benefitted from it. They like going somewhere else, playing with other kids, playing with other toys.

TBH with you I think it was doing my eldest dd more harm than good being at home with a miserable mum all the time So I can see the change in her.

Do you think dh feels under pressure? I kinda feel sorry for him, ya know? Now I know you have said you want to stay at home, but honey if the bills pile up there won't be any home to stay in!! You need to work on your confidence, talk to yourself, smile in the mirror, have conversations in the shower, laugh & smile to yourself.. I know it will make you seem like a loony but it really does work. It makes you feel better when you smile/laugh.

Anyway, I've lost the point of what I was talking about so will come back later & re-read

lem - i did a complete about face on this yesterday. Which probably didn't help But I started off thinking about it from my/your POV and then began to think about it from the the DH's POV.

And I really really do think that working will help in so many ways. Worrying about money is truly life draining - for both of you. You will find that you can do it and may even enjoy it and it will help you get your confidence back. It isn't impossible to find good part-time work - a 12 hour day isn't inevitable.

Good luck

agree that you need to proceed with applying and with finding out about local childcare.

It's a case of on-going conversations isn't it rather than one quick yes or no conversation! Also there are other options other than nursery, it is worth looking into local childminders too and visiting them and nurseries to see what you and DD are more comfortable with.

Good luck

I too was one of the people originally posting about your dh. It does seem that the original cause of your financial problems rests more with him - he chose to reject a good steady income to start his own business and is not managing it cost efficiently.

HOWEVER, I am totally in agreement with expat, lemonstartree and others about you looking for part time work.

Just because you did not cause the problem, does not mean you cannot help fix it. You love him, he loves you - this is a time to show your love for him and think of your family.

And by thinking of your family, I include your mum who has been bailing you out. It's great that she can do this and lots of parents would do the same. She too may be worrying about your finances a lot. And she may also be worrying about her own finances if you say she is running out of funds to loan you. Unlike you and your dh, she has no way of reversing her fortunes. You don't want to look back in guilt over this - she won't be around for ever.

I spent some of my years being an SAHM, but a lot of this time was spent worrying over money and my career. I felt a lot happier when I was working and had less to worry about. It's just a matter of finding the right job and work/life balance. It can be done, believe me. Don't let that 'no' from your dh put you off.

your DH is in complete denial about the seriousness of your situation so it is hardly surprising that he has said no to you getting a job. then he will have to admit how bad things are

i have been a WOHM mum when severely depressed and it was the last thing in the world i wanted to do, but i had no choice financially.

step up to the plate and do something constructive and positive

you might find it will improve how you feel about everything

if the mortgage needs paying, you need to get a job

Thankyou for all your replies ladies. My head is truly all over the place this morning - i hate myself for putting my family through this. I can't really see a way out - i want to get a job but im too scared - how pathetic is that. I really appreciate your candid advice everyone, but im not in a place in my head where i can have this conversation, so i'm going to bottle it for now and leave it as it is. The immediate financial situation is looking a bit brighter and the mortgage is covered. I am going to start looking for a job, but i honestly don't think that i will get one, im pretty unemployable at the moment. DD starts school next year and im seriously thinking about teaching as i actually think that this is something i will get something out of. I can't take on the high flying jobs i wanted to do i have just lost my way. In the mean time i am going to see if i can kick start DPs business for him and try and get some part time work.

I just don't have it in me to argue now - how can i argue when you are all right

Lucyellensmum - teaching although not a high powered job is very demanding and time consuming. WHat about a teachers assistant?

LEM - I know you must feel all over the place, but that last post is more positive! I think looking for some part time work immediately is the best thing. Once you feel you are making a contribution, you will feel so much better. As others have said, money worries are life-draining. It kills the pleasure in doing things if in the background you feel like it could all fall apart.
Teaching is maybe something to consider longer term. Do you have the post grad qualification? If not, be prepared for the fact that it's a big commitment and a lot of work, and then the first year of teaching is very, very pressurised. Not trying to put you off, but you will need the full support of your DH, and I would hate you to burden yourself with something that could crush you both again. Be realstic: your priority right now is to earn some money. The longer term career plans can maybe wait a bit?

hercules, i would become frustrated, and tbh the money would not be enough to motivate me to make a difference after childcare. I would need a challenge at work, i used to thrive on challenge. The oportunity to mould a childs education is something that i could feel good about - does that make any sense?

Teaching pay to begin with isnt great. It takes a few years to get to a decent wage. The first couple of years are especially hard. I did my PGCE when ds was in reception and worked very long hours. I still sent him to his cm in teh holidays so I could work. If you are feeling a bit fragile and worried about being at work it may be better to leave teaching until you are in a better place.

A lot of what you do in teaching isnt moulding a childs education -it's behaviour management.

If you were a teaching assistant then you'd save money on childcare as you'd only need someone to have her for a very short time after school.

surely you would have to train first, LEM..

agree with hercules, all teh teachers i know work the school day, starting at 8 am and come home at 4 ish and then work 3 hours per night lesson planning etc.. so it is long hours still

i would need to get the post grad qualification. If i were wanting to do secondary teaching i would opt for the graduate teacher scheme but i don't think i can do the crowd control! I am thinking about 7-11 age group, as i can still specialise in science which i love but also be involved in what i see as one of the most important stages of a childs education. I managed to write up my PhD despite being ill and having PND so i am hoping i can find some of that energy again. I do appreciate what you are saying. But i was thinking about the job i saw yesterday, so it was good money and interesting but i really don't think that would be enough for me iyswim. I know it is baby steps, which is why i wouldnt go back to teacher training until next september when DD starts school, so will look for something part time in in the meantime. The ironic thing is,and this is a major concern is that if i work part time we will lose the tax credits we are getting so it might not work out with childcare - that frustrates me, and sounds like im making excuses. I honestly truthfully don't know what to do. We get 100 a week tax credits, im not going to clear that working part time and having to pay for childcare.

good point hercules. Teaching assistants are normally employed for literally just the school day - eg 9 until 3.30. So you would need the bare minimum of childcare. A teacher is likely to be working 8 til 5 in school plus bringing work home each night.