Enough is enough: DP needs to get a job now

[lucyellensmum]

Everymorning i wake up and i have a knot in the pit of my stomach and i feel sick. I'm not pregnant, its stress!! Ive posted so much about this its like a broken record. DP is "trying" to run his own building business, well its just him. He has no time management skills and is underestimating jobs left right and centre. For the past two years our income has been 7K and the only way we have managed is to borrow from my mother and get into horrendous credit card debt (vicious circle).

All i hear from him is, "i just need to get this job (nightmare job) out of the way, then im going to change it around and make some money" great, but i hear it every single fucking job. The job he is working on this week, was supposed to bring some money in, but guess what, it is taking significantly longer than he thought . So i imagine he will be trotting the same old line out over again.

People have suggested i help out, more than i do, which is typing invoices and sorting the accounts. But its not possible for me to say how long a job will take, all i know is that it will take longer than he estimates and subsequently prices for.

Its coming up to time to pay the mortgage and he promised me faithfully there would be money - well, we have had no money for over two months now and he is borrowing from the mortgage overdraft and hadn't told me til he let it slip.

I've made hints that i want him to get a job, the frustrating thing that he could easily earn 30K, be home by 5-6 every night and not work weekends.

People have also suggested that I should get a job. Well maybe, BUT when i had DD we discussed this and both agreed that it would be better if i were a SAHM, DD starts school next year and i will definately be going back to work then. I would get a job in an instant if DP was earning his limit and we were still struggling, but he choses to do this. I suggested to him that I get a job now and he takes a year out to look after DD. He said that he really wants the business to work and that, you've guessed it, The next job................

Am i being selfish here?? I really can't stand much more - i would be financially more secure if i left and went on benefit. But how can i do that, DD adores her daddy and he adores her. I love him deeply too and i think he loves me (we have had a bad patch - is there any wonder). Im just sick of waking up everymorning withthe feeling that i need to rush to the medicine cabinet to take my ADs.

expat you are probably right, but how do i leave my DD? Really?? Honestly.......there are times when i think, if only i could have a break, just for an hour, but the thought of leaving her all day breaks my heart.

Lucyellensmum, you say 'HAVING a SAHP if that is what you have been used to in your very short life is absolutely a right'

So you mean that every child has a right to the constant presence of a parent?

Do your dp and your dd share this view as much as you? Who would be the most upset if your dd did not have one of you looking after her all the time? Would you all be equally upset?

The goverment and (IME) many other parents do not seem to feel children have a right to a parent at home with them constantly, so AFAIK it is not a widely accepted viewpoint.

Of course it's your choice to stay at home - but IMO that's different.

But how can i get a job if i can no longer spell!!! looking over this thread, i think i need to go back to school .

I really don't understand why everyone is shouting at me! this morning i got lots of sympathy, THEN we sort things out, we are both happy to give it another shot, then everyone starts shouting - i'm confused. If everyone had shouted before we sorted it i would be like, hmmm, ok, im being a moaning minnie again, i'll go and plant something.

it was in response to another thread tiger. To be fair, i know a few children in childcare, or who have been in childcare and they are very well behaved, happy, intelligent, confident children. But they all started when they were babies, to put DD in full time nursery now, might be a bit much??

Sorry LEM.
I think you are great but agree with Expat.
You need to get your finger out.
You don't want to commute???
Eh?
You're a grown-up. We all have to do stuff we don't want to.

She will be FINE! She's nearly pre-school age. Someone pointed out that she might benefit from it absolute loads. SHE may need a break, too, you know? To mix with other kids, to play with different toys, to even have experience of other adults.

You could compromise and he does the childcare for a couple of days a week and nursery the other days.

And nothing is set in stone. There's no law that says you can't quit a job if it gets too much or it's not working for your family.

But you're not happy, and only YOU can make yourself happy. NO ONE can do that for you and it's no one's responsibility but your own.

Sorry, I come across as harsh, because I do find that a lot of people would just rather throw up their hands and be the victim and blame everyone and everything else for their problems.

Well, the reason that pisses me off because the person who pays the most for that type of attitude is the ones who do it.

And they are burning daylight and wasting a lot of what is their lives and what could be a relatively happy life by not stepping up and taking some responsibility for themselves.

I've been depressed for nearly 6 years straight. AND/PND. Over and over.

Skint. In debt. No house, etc.

So what?! NO ONE is going to change that for me but me.

I'm not going to let it beat me. Because I do NOT want my kids to see their mother doing FA but whinge and moan.

Uh uh. I want them to stand over my grave one day and say, 'Our mother was a fighter. Our happiness, our freedom, our happiness and our lives are worth fighting for, so we will.'

That's a lesson that's priceless.

Stop being so dramatic. Nobody is saying you have to drop your daughter off for 12 hours a day. very few working parents do that.

You are an adult , in a relationship. As a fAMILY you have some serious problems , and you sticking your head in the sand and saying 'he promised I could be a sahm' is pointless. Things change. things have changed.

to be pretty blunt again, I think this is all about you being anxious about going out of the house and mixing with adults. Your daughter is going to school soon, she will enjoy some company and developing a little independence. is that the problem??

personally I think you need to start being VERY honest with yourself and facing up to the possible consequences of your actions.

and just to clear one thing up - I dont think being a sahm is an 'easy option' , i just think it IS a luxury that YOU can afford (and your daughter will be better with a working mum than she will be with no home)

Well I think you'll have to get over it like every other working mum does. Plus I think the 7am - 7pm working day is probably a bit of an exaggeration to make it all sound less feasible. Btw, you could always get a part-time job, work 3 days a week or something. No-one's going to make you work 7am - 7pm 5 days a week. Plus, a working mum would probably be better for your daughter than a homeless family when your house and belongings have been taken from you. And, now I'm on one, honestly how do people feel about lending you money when they see you're not working? I know it's hard being a SAHM and it's not an easy sit back and watch tv life, but i have to say that if someone was begging me for money in your situation, I'd be thinking "get a job" rather than getting everyone else to keep your head above water.

There's so much you can do for yourself and your situation, LEM.

But you have gotta take that step, too.

It won't just happen on it's own.

And it may not work.

And it may work.

But you won't know until you try.

So stop wasting time being unhappy

being a SAHM is a luxury I couldn't afford, even though we sold our house and downsized! Yes it's hard work but in some ways it IS a luxury.

However I think your DPs actions here are actually the more selfish because he is not going about running the business in a professional way. If you and he want your DD to have a parent at home then he has a responsibility to run things in a way that gives the best chance of earning a living wage; OR he needs to choose another job instead

But I do think it's not either/or; there are many options for you and your DD, there is part time work for instance; evening work in a supermarket can fit in with family life though it's damn tiring. I just think why does it have to be so black and white; on the understanding that he gets his act together, you could undertake a part time job and bring in enough to keep the wolf from the door

Your dd will be at school before you know it and so it's not as if you would have to keep going in this way forever...

Any chance of working nights? DH did that for a few years whilst I worked days. We could not have managed 2 lots of childcare but both had to work. I was able to work my way up the ladder and earn enough now for him to take a career break and rethink his own career.

Why do you think that your DH is entirely and solely financially responsible for providing for his family?

Because if you'll excuse me that sounds like sexist shit

I think the financial responsibility is equally yours.

Go get a job girl

ha ha, virtually identical posts from lemonstartree and me. We are not the same person, honestly!

i dont want a long commute moondog, it wouldnt suit any of us as DPs hours are erratic i think one of use needs to be around in the evening for DD. My friends commute and are often not home until 8 or 9pm. So commuting not an option - possible change in career, definately an option.

Lucyellen- WHat about working nights?

LEM why haven't you got a job when your family is in financial trouble, eh?

Right, im off to lick my wounds. I do appreciate what you are all saying and if im honest, its nothing i don't think myself. I just feel delicate now (poor me poor me) as i have pmt, so i might just go and wallow in it for a bit. I am taking on board what everyone is saying though. I just think its interesting how starkly different the replies have been during the day.

IF i am totally honest with you all, I want to get a job, i used to be a working mum with DD1 and i loved it (admittedly i had GPs to do the childcare), i was confident and happy, but now - im just plain TERRIFIED. Even sitting here contemplating it is making me feel sick. WTF?????

LEM - I agree that the earlier posts seemed more sympathetic and now you feel they're getting harsh. However, you do seem to be digging your heels in and finding all kinds of reasons NOT to get a job.
Let's turn it around. Some people would say you have been FORTUNATE in having 3 or so years as a SAHM! Your DH and your mother have kept things afloat financially (albeit it's getting shaky now). That's a hell of a lot more than a lot of people EVER get!!
Your DD starts school before long. Using childcare for her will NOT do her any harm. It may even do her a lot of good (it sounds as if she doesnt spend much time apart from you, which will change anyway when she starts school).
I think although some people are sounding harsh, it is HONESTLY a case of being cruel to be kind. I've read your posts over a period of time. You are a thoughtful and sensitive woman. It is in YOUR interests that people are telling you to stop being passive. Get online, look in the papers, find yourself a job. Investigate childcare providers in your area. Do it tonight. You can only feel better than you do now. Expat's post was very brave and honest. Listen to her.

that's cos the SAHMs were answering you in the daytime, LEM

JOKE, joke, ok

you may be joking HG, but i think you are right

I do appreciate what everyone is saying. I need to talk to DP

justabout, i may well take you up on that coffee sometime soon

LEM, you need to talk to your DP, but you also need to take some action on your own. Talking to your DP may just go round in the usual circle. To break the pattern, you MUST be proactive.

LEM whatever happens I think you understandably have a crisis of confidence, and it can be scary getting back out there.

I just wanted to say that by nature and choice I am a SAHM in the body of a WOHM I actually did manage to only work 2 days a week when ds was a baby but at great cost to our financial situation

However i think, for me, personally and for ds, financial crap was ok in order to give him an almost SAHP in his very early years

however at 2, 3, 4 it is a different matter entirely and even I (who would choose to stay home if poss) can see there are LOADS of benefits to you, to your child, and your relationship and the long term financial future of all of you, to getting out and working. Childcare of the right sort is really OK and will in all probability be an enrichment to your dd rather than something you are 'doing' to her

good luck