Enough is enough: DP needs to get a job now

[lucyellensmum]

Everymorning i wake up and i have a knot in the pit of my stomach and i feel sick. I'm not pregnant, its stress!! Ive posted so much about this its like a broken record. DP is "trying" to run his own building business, well its just him. He has no time management skills and is underestimating jobs left right and centre. For the past two years our income has been 7K and the only way we have managed is to borrow from my mother and get into horrendous credit card debt (vicious circle).

All i hear from him is, "i just need to get this job (nightmare job) out of the way, then im going to change it around and make some money" great, but i hear it every single fucking job. The job he is working on this week, was supposed to bring some money in, but guess what, it is taking significantly longer than he thought . So i imagine he will be trotting the same old line out over again.

People have suggested i help out, more than i do, which is typing invoices and sorting the accounts. But its not possible for me to say how long a job will take, all i know is that it will take longer than he estimates and subsequently prices for.

Its coming up to time to pay the mortgage and he promised me faithfully there would be money - well, we have had no money for over two months now and he is borrowing from the mortgage overdraft and hadn't told me til he let it slip.

I've made hints that i want him to get a job, the frustrating thing that he could easily earn 30K, be home by 5-6 every night and not work weekends.

People have also suggested that I should get a job. Well maybe, BUT when i had DD we discussed this and both agreed that it would be better if i were a SAHM, DD starts school next year and i will definately be going back to work then. I would get a job in an instant if DP was earning his limit and we were still struggling, but he choses to do this. I suggested to him that I get a job now and he takes a year out to look after DD. He said that he really wants the business to work and that, you've guessed it, The next job................

Am i being selfish here?? I really can't stand much more - i would be financially more secure if i left and went on benefit. But how can i do that, DD adores her daddy and he adores her. I love him deeply too and i think he loves me (we have had a bad patch - is there any wonder). Im just sick of waking up everymorning withthe feeling that i need to rush to the medicine cabinet to take my ADs.

annie, yes i did sort the benefits out. I gaurd it like a rotweiller so that we can pay the mortgage, it doesnt cover it all but its certainly less of a strain. TBH the SAHM is probably more for my benefit, i get very anxious away from DD, but i worry that because i didnt start her in nursery younger it will be a big upheaval for her.

I have spoken to DP and i feel much better about things. Well i sobbed, he spoke . I do agree with you annie, actually its not fair of me to make him chose. BUT as i said earlier, even if i was bringing home 100K, running an non-viable business is plain ridiculous.

So anyway, We have agreed to give it one last go - but that will involve me getting much more involved in things. I keep staring at the computor packages he got from the bank (he recently opened a business account) so maybe its time to bite the bullet. With me, its not laziness, its confidence - but it can't hurt to load it, can it?

He has agreed that he will take on agency work when his latest commitments are up and will only price jobs expensively as he is good enough to do this. That way he will only take on the jobs that are worth doing.

I think that sounds like a fair compromise?

I'm in exactly the same position as anniemac and for that reason, agree with what she says. We've made this work for us even though it has been tough - particularly the childcare aspect of it.

By the way, you don't need fancy computer packages to do accounts. A simple spreadsheet for each month showing incoming and outgoing money is sufficient for most accountants along with a list of invoices.

Do you have an accountant? If so why not make an appointment to go and talk to him/her and get some guidance on how to keep accounts. It doesn't take us more than about an hour a month. It's preparting quotes that takes the time.

Ideally a lot of people would love to be stay at home mums but reality is a lot different. If you have the potential to be earning and helping the family finances now would be a good time to do it.

Your daughter will go to school soon anyway so nursery would be good for her, she'll make friends and get into a routine rather than just starting school in at the deep end.

You could work nights or weekends if need be. Its a little unfair to moan at the lack of money your DP is bringing home if you aren't contributing anything yourself.

LEM - I am in a similar boat (we've discussed this before I think). He earns a reasonable whack before expenses reduce it to a laughable amt. I think he's on a similar salary to your DH. Atm he's driving 170 miles a day to a job that pays about £90 a day (before tax). He doesn't have to drive every day but even one or two days a week mounts up. Not to mention all the other stuff that has to be bought/fixed regularly.

But the difference is that I work. That was a decision we made when I had DS#1 (actually I didn't really think about it) but there are times when I really resent it. I have always worked and whilst it's OK now, there have been times when it's driven me to tears (and PND with my DD). Worst of all he's a trained KS2 teacher and whilst I know they don't earn a fortune, he'd still be earning more than he is now without the horrendous expenses and without the stupid hours (5.30am to 6pm atm). But he won't even consider it and try as I might it still upsets me.

So I sympathise. No advice at all though

Good luck LEM.

Really pleased you have talked to him and he's agreed to take on agency work and only price jobs at a suitably high level.

I remember from other threads people discussing the advtanges of you working part time. I know in your position, that's what I'd choose to do - having my own regular income would help make me feel less panic-striken about finances. But that's just me, and I can see you have made your own choice about being a SAHM.

I hope you get to grips with the computer packages - have you thought about enrolling on a small business course?

Could you do one during the day at your local college? Many colleges have creches where you could leave your dd for an hour or two while you have classes. You would be near your dd still, and the time she spends away from you would be minimal, as she would be with you when you travel there and back. It would also be a way of preparing her for school, if you are worried that she hasn't had the experience of being at nursery.

Anyway, it sounds like your dp is really listening to you and prepared to compromise - so that's the main thing.

this is going to sound harsh and I apologise but I just can't believe how you expect HIM to sort out everything for you, YOU go an get a job; the time for choice seems to be over. If you lose everything it will be YOUR fault as MUCH as his because you have you head stuck in the 'i want to be a sahm' sand.

being a sahp is a LUXURY , NOT a right, you can't afford it and you BOTH need to get out there and earn some money.

sorry but it has to be said, the stress on him must be unbelieveable

It does seem as if you and DH have different 'dreams' or visions of what your lives should be. Your is to be a SAHM and his is to have his own business. I think perhaps it's important to realise that his is no less or more important than yours.

Dreams don't always turn out to be realisable. Compromise is vital.

OrmIrian speaks sense.

I agree.

Being a SAHP is a luxery yes, i agree - but HAVING a SAHP if that is what you have been used to in your very short life is absolutely a right. Its not like he cannot go and get a job tomorrow so it is HIS choice to struggle. Why is his dream more important than what i think is right for my DD? Even he agrees that when it comes down to it, he doesnt want strangers looking after DD.

As i have said, we have agreed that the business IS worth persevering with, and he has agreed that he will get some agency work in the meantime. I am going to suggest a time limit on getting the timing sorted though, its no good for him running the business if he can't get that sorted out.

DD starts pre-school in September, i may get some part-time work then, i will also see how she settles into pre-school and consider longer hours if she suits. But i will not just hoist her into a situation because we are running a business that is going nowhere.

From a business point of view it is completely irrelevant whether i am working or not. He is making a ridiculously low return on long stressful hours and that makes no sense - even if i were a millionaire. Which, incidently we keep saying we will be "this time next year" .

Im sorry lemontree, but you have no idea of my situation and i most definately do not expect him to sort everything out for me. I have supported him wholeheartedly over the past two years, ive done his accounts and invoices, what i cannot do is make him get his estimates right and work efficiently, he has to do that himself. I'm not going to compromise my DDs wellbeing because he cannot do that.

DH stayed home during the day and worked evenings and weekends because we really, really needed the money.

It sometimes just has to be done.

There are two choices for us: Either he works or I do. I have said i am happy to get a full time job, in fact i am more than happy to do that believe me. The scenario would be then that he must stay at home. He is also happy to do that. But he has said to day that he feels he really wants to push the business - he feels positive about it so who am i to piss on his bonfire.

I have awful pmt today, i was thinking of checking if there is any regularity to my whinging posts.

If i expected him to do it all for me, then i would expect it to be him who tries to appease our creiditors, it would be him who keeps his clients happy when they are pissed off due to his lack of organisation and communication. I have had to be shouted at over the phone more times than i am comfortable with by clients who are getting pissed off with waiting. So no, im not being pathetic and sitting back expecting him to do everything. IF i were leaving it all to him, it would be him who has to retrieve receipts from wherever he throws them and tries to make sense of his non-existent record keeping to come up with a feasable set of accounts at the end of the year [agnry]

I agree expat i really do, but its not like he cannot get out and earn enough money to keep us.

But he wants to make a go of the business, LEM.

So he's supposed to 'keep' you AND do that, too?

Then you'll whinge about his not being around.

Sorry, I'm not trying to come across as harsh, but get real, something's gotta give.

If he works FT, he probably isn't going to have the time to devote to making a go of his business.

So it comes back to Orm's point, which was that there needs to be compromise.

Then stop bleating about how he has to do this or that, and stop bleating about the money. You think that what you WANT for your daughter (or is not more what you WANT for you ???) must be what is right for your daughter, he may think that she would or could benefit from a wider exposure to other people, esp as shes not a baby.

but hey, i'll be quiet now since all you really want is a load of people to say, "yes poor you, how awful that you partner won't give up his business to support you and allow you the luxury of staying at home for as long as you like."

no suggestion that anyone has made, over all the numerous threads I have read from you about this topic ( and there have been many good suggestions) has been taken up - you want him to go and get a job and seem unable/unwilling to compromise in any way.
any anyone suggesting that YOU might be the teensiest bit selfish gets shot down

So in my opinion, beacuse you did ask (lots of times) You are being completely unreasonable.

I've been the only breadwinner before.

If I had the added stress of a spouse who was totally unwilling to compromise, that would have been it.

We worked as partners, as a team.

Otherwise, it doesn't work well.

I can only imagine the stress he's under just now.

I've been there myself and it's not easy.

I wasn't whinging about doing all of that expat, in fact i enjoy it. I don't enjoy having to appease his clients, as i share their frustrations if i am honest. It is also not doing his reputation anygood.

I am not totally niave, i do realise that something has to give, and i am willing to admit that i can be a teensy bit self centred. I honestly thought i would return to work, and i haven't ruled it out completely. There is a job in the paper that im tempted to apply for - i don't think i have the right background, but you never know. It would be full time, but local at least. That is one of my problems actually, for me to work FT would probably mean commuting and i definately don't want to do that. I wish i had more confidence. I will speak to DP when he comes down from bedtime, see what he thinks.

I am going to start banging my head against a brick wall in a minute. How long exactly should i let him carry on with a busines that is blatantly not working then?? Maybe i should get a job so that i can fund otherpeoples home improvements, because we have lost money enough times where he has cocked up on estimates and times. That way i can carry his business for him!

I want him to make the business work OR get a job, its that simple.

Being a SAHM is fucking hard work, it is not a luxery [agnryh].

You are right though lemontree - and i do appreciate the virtual kick up the arse, i do get very self absorbed sometimes. I look back on my own threads and cringe, i rather wish i didnt open this one, as after having spoken to DP we have come to a conclusion that suits us both. I just refuse to accept that being a SAHM is the selfish option.

Look, LEM, I'm going to be completely honest here, but I think going to work would do you the WORLD of good.

And quite frankly, it might be better if you get a job, you can always quit if it's too much, then him.

You're very, very unhappy, and tbh, htere is NO AD or gym or anything else on this planet that is going to change that as much as YOU can.

I think gettinng a job will give you back a sense of control, of confidence and so much more than just a paycheque.

You're right, you won't know if you've got hte background for the job until you apply, so why not give it a go?

What i certainly don't want for my daughter is to drop her off at 7 in the morning and pick her up at 7 at night. So shoot me

Sorry LEM, i have to agree with lemonstartree. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think women (and i include myself in this) seem to think they have a god given right to not work or go part time whilst their partner is, obviously, going to work full time. (I'm part time myself so that's not a slag off of you, me or any other women, but i genuinely think that we've been brought up to feel that our mothers didn't work, so why should we?) Yes, he needs to sort himself out and get a job, yes he agreed that you wouldn't work until DD at school but the fact is that you're about to lose your house and taking the piss out of everyone by constantly borrowing cash. Your daughter will be fine at nursery, she'll have to be fine away from you if she's starting school next year. I think you have to accept the situation and do something to help the family get out of it. You say your DH lost his job cos he was helping you with PND. Well how about helping him now and getting a job and getting yourself out of this mess. I know that may sound cruel but i think you're in the shit too deep to be so precious about what was promised to you about not working.