Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

"No man is going to stay loyal"

Sad that this is your experience and belief.

Luckily for some, there are men who are loyal, loving, faithful and honest.

A shame that from all the men you know, none have good morals.

I think I'd book a room at the same hotel OP for one person and see if a double room comes back automatically for two. I'd want to know if he put that it was for one or two people.

It could be worth the money if you book it for one and it puts you mind at rest because the booking email automatically says it's for two.

He’s been a complete twat HOWEVER, Is he generally a good husband/father? Maybe he is completely overwhelmed, he has his own business, you have a young toddler and are heavily pregnant, it’s a lot of stress for you both and some men really struggle at this stage of life. It’s documented that men’s testosterone drops when their partners are pregnant and this can lead to depression in some men. I would encourage him to go to the doctor and seek support, if he is unwilling then it tells you a lot.

I don't know about the hotel tbh but the fact that he said that he didn't love me and was planning to leave, would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past that I'm afraid.

He didn't say he didn't love OP. He has repeatedly assured her of his love. He said he felt no love from her.

I travel a fair bit for work and quite often my booking emails will say "2 person" or something similar, just because that's how many people the room can accommodate, and the charge is per room, not per person. So I wouldn't jump straight to cheating on that alone.

So the question is whether you believe him that he had a bit of a breakdown. None of us can answer that really, you're the only one who knows him @atatotallosss

I can tell you a story though. About 15 years ago I got a phone call from my brother. That alone was weird, he is very much a texter. He told me he needed me to come to the station, told me which platform. Wasn't making a lot of sense, and when I tried to get more information out of him I just got variations of "I can't move" or "I can't decide". So I went, and I bought the cheapest ticket I could so I could get onto the platform. And then I just sat next to him and listened to the strongest man I know just sob. And then when the transport police started taking an interest, we moved to the pub, and gradually I found out about everything in his life, all the little mundane shit, that had just conspired to one day utterly fucking break him.

I don't know what his plan was that day, when I asked he just said "I just needed to go away, but then I couldn't". I'll probably never find out what level of "Going away" he was aiming for.

If you believe those of us who think he’s acted purely out of stress, that there is no sex worker or OW, do you not think

I have asked him to get me all the financial info I need re businesses and pension. I said that currently I don't want him near the hospital. He was extremely hurt by this.

is ignoring the pressure he feels, alienating him, pushing him away, taking a division between you to extremes?

(I can understand the sense in knowing your financial position but it signals the end of a relationship and can be a threat. If I were him I’d feel very insecure.)

Out of kilter behaviour from men is often regarded negatively on MN but your OH didn’t follow through, did he? Booking the hotel appears to have been his crunch point when he realised that you, DD and the soon to be born baby are the most important parts in his life. Perhaps him saying he was leaving you was not a rejection of you but a clumsy attempt to remove himself from making your life more difficult. Importantly when you bled you were his primary focus, his priority. He about turned.

All your posts have the watermark STRESS. He’s stressed and panicked on a Tuesday two weeks ago. You’re stressed because of the relationship and a difficult pregnancy.

You’re at a turning point here. Don’t view him with a fixed intransigent opinion that he’s cheated, about to cheat, will leave you. Together you can deal with this.

And no, I’m not naive. It’s in my nature to be suspicious as self-protection.

No you don't.

The thing that intrigues me is that you “found an email in your husband’s email account”.
I have never, ever, ever looked at my wife’s emails, text messages, call records etc. At all.
As happily married and “together” we might be, we are individuals as well. Trust is a big thing.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now! I’m so sorry, sending lots of love and I really hope you get this sorted for the best.

He is so silly for lying to you in the first place, and clearly he has something going on! He could be completely burnt at both ends and overwhelmed and doing silly things because he isn’t mentally well. He sounds like he still isn’t being fully open with you. Do you think he is letting his walls down? Has he ever been open in the past?

What made you check his emails in the first place?

This. Sorry, OP. Just not buying his mental health line.

The fact that this hotel booking doesn't fit in with what was going on at the time, is a red flag @atatotallosss

If you had had a blazing row, maybe but given the circumstance, it's more likely there is another explanation.

I would be done.

He was going to leave you at your most vulnerable. I would never be able to get past that - EVER. Out of self respect and for my DC, I would get him as far out of my life as I could, given the laws of the land.

@Coastliner has put it better than I did. Given all was roses at the point of the booking, I would suspect a hook up as a gift to himself before he embarked on fatherhood again.

I would suspect him of being a serial sex worker user. They can be incredibly careful to hide this.

Get a STD check.

There may well be an OW or casual hook-ups going on. However, he has made it crystal clear that he is putting himself and his wants ahead of supporting you and your DC. He is more than ready to step away from his responsibilities .

If he is claiming depression, has he taken steps to seek medical help?

Do you have anyone who can provide practical and emotional support over the next few weeks- mum/ sister/ friends? Your H has already checked out.

You are wise to get all the financial information now- it’s probably worth seeing a solicitor ASAP, as you know your H is considering leaving, and self-employed fathers are notorious for hiding from CMS.

Hotel rooms are generally for 2 people by default. Pretty meaningless on its own

Totally agree with this. But in addition, I'd also quietly be getting my ducks in a row re important documents etc as a back up plan in case things don't work out.

And even more disquieting, as I’ve now read, is that you say the emails were in his “deleted emails” folder.”
You were looking at his deleted emails? Because why?

The best thing to do is get the birth out of the way and then start digging.

The first thing I would be doing is looking for a second phone. It will be in his car.

Another person whose one person hotel rooms tend to be booked for 2. Sometimes it’s the default, sometimes I do it on purpose to get a decent sized bed / not get the worst room in the hotel.

I’m sorry OP, he’s either having an affair, as planning a 1 night hook up or something along those lines.

If he needed to get his head together to work out what to do, he wouldn’t need to secretly book 1 night away, why would he then not use it? Odd. I think maybe the other woman (or man) changed their mind and cancelled on him last minute.

For those saying their hotel bookings for 1adult, come through as 2 adults.. that’s bizarre - mine all come through as 1 adult 🤔🤷‍♀️

Oh op, what a sad situation, I’m so sorry. I hope you have support from family and friends you can lean on. FWIW if it was me, yes I would think he was either cheating or leaving or both. I think he probably backed out because he realised what a total shit he would look. If you weren’t pregnant I’d say get rid right now. However you have bigger things to worry about just now and I’d focus on those. Get your family and friends around you, focus on you and having the baby, and don’t make any rash decisions at the moment.

No I don’t think I would believe this.

You’re not really in a position to leave now, and will need his help with the baby.

Uss this time to prepare for leaving him or kicking him out once things settle for you a bit. Try and look for evidence when you can.

I would say the relationship is likely over but bide your time

He does have opportunity during the working day. I think I’d be inclined to believe it, especially given the imminent birth, but first I’d be insisting that I am allowed to track his phone going forward and that I’m allowed to investigate previous hotel bookings, either on the site itself or listening to him ringing up and asking for a list of previous bookings in his name as he needs it for business expense reasons and he can’t remember. If the receptionist says there are none, then that will set your mind at rest.