Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

Sounds like he urgently needs some perinatal mental health support for dads

He has said in addition to this he felt a lack of support from me, when I can honestly admit there were times I didn't have any. For example, he said he felt he couldn't moan to me for example complaining for weeks about a bad back, yet after my countless suggestions to book and see someone, it took him ages to. In hindsight, I was thinking im in pain with no solution, and you have one… so my patience with that diminished. His reasonings in hindsight were properly putting himself last on the to do list.

Another being the business stress that I foresaw 6 months ago and expressed my concerns on to be told repeatedly it'll be fine (it felt like he was making out it was worrying about nothing if that makes sense). So he felt he couldn't come to me and cause me stress by worrying. Coupled with me in pain, struggling day to day with DD, needing additional support at home that was probably stretching him and me stressing over things that need finished in the house for the baby and jobs needing done after moving last year.

I can understand and appreciate that I have been lacking support, but would have hoped for a different outcome than this.

You’re joking right?
If anyone needs that it’s OP

Please don't feel sad packing your hospital bag. You'll be meeting your new baby soon, that's something to still be excited about. Don't let him ruin this special time.

I can’t quite understand why you’d post this to be honest. I’m genuinely quite shocked by your post. The way you’ve worded that, out of nowhere, you suddenly talk about people ending their lives 😵‍💫 OP has not once said her dh is suicidal. I understand the point you’re trying to make, but for me, it’s very mis judged.

Yes, I really don't understand how we've gone from the op's partner saying that he booked the hotel room because he was thinking of leaving her to posters suggesting that he booked it because he was suicidal.

I'm a bit confused by the timeline over how far in advance it was booked and when it was cancelled. The op mentioned premier inn - if that was who the booking was with, then I've booked rooms for a single person probably 60 plus times over the past few years and it always defaults to 1 person. I've got dates wrong a few times but I've never managed to book for 2 people in error. If he didn't go through with it then I'm guessing that either the ow ghosted him or he had second thoughts.

I think all the stuff about being unhappy and feeling under pressure is true to an extent. But I reckon that the story about leaving is because he thinks it's the next worse thing to another woman, therefore it's more believable because why else would he confess to it?

Money does strange things to people especially when there are young children involved. What is his financial position now?

The op wouldn't know if he was suicidal. If someone wants to die they are not going to have a conversation about it they will do it.

If I had back pain I wouldn't see a doctor I would see an osteopath. My partner had to see an osteopath for his back. If you ever have any pain see a specialist.

Are his expectations reasonable and would seeing a therapist help. You can let out how you feel and stand up to him. His feelings are important but so are yours. You never know you may come to a realisation that the marriage is not worth saving or you both might come closer together.

More than one person can need help.

it’s about having an abundance mindset, with mumsnet seems to lack, especially when it comes to male partners (I’m a woman btw)

Couples therapy is a good place to start to unpack this OP. Good luck and I hope you get answers.

So true.

Midlife crisis could also be a factor which counselling would also help.

You're right too about the mindsets, men are very much expected to get over whatever issues they have as the woman is going through more, but it's not a competition.

Detective work is sometimes the only way in these scenarios.....I only found out an ex was cheating by going through his computer.
If things don't feel right and someone has given them reason to not feel able to trust them, you shouldn't feel guilty for checking.

Talk about stating the bleeding obvious!

In this case though, highly unlikely that her husband needs mental health support. He’s been caught out and trying to guilt trip his wife who is currently VERY vulnerable. Let’s apply some common sense here and stop apologising for him.

OP posted because she doesn't know what the truth is, just because you believe he doesn't need support doesn't make it true.

Until OP comes back saying she's found evidence of one or the other, everything is pure speculation, which is pretty obvious.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the lack of update on this post. I put it to the back of my mind and we had our little one. He was fantastic and still is with our DC, doing everything he can to help etc and we have been on the most part getting along great.

He is still insisting, even through therapy that he was struggling and booked the hotel to escape/leave. That, I can accept. But… I’m still randomly going over it in my head and thinking am I being a total mug for believing him? The 2 person booking etc. I try to push it out my mind as much as possible, but have this horrible feeling that I’m believing what I want to believe.

I feel sick at the thought of something going on behind my back that I have zero clue over, and feel I’m almost hyper vigilant to everything now. I don’t know if I can continue feeling this way.

Honestly, I think he’s lying. But it doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what you think… and you don’t believe he did it. None of us will have evidence or concrete proof to change your mind, so there’s only so much you’ll get from this thread.

I would ask though, would you forgive him if he had an affair or was planning an affair? If you are both in therapy then presumably he’s committed to making it work, would you forgive an affair in those circumstances? If so, it doesn’t really matter if he did or didn’t, because you’d find yourself in the same position regardless and should focus on therapy.

Thanks for the response,

Apologies I’m unsure if you mean I believe him or I don’t, I brushed it under the rug (and back of my mind) to get past the birth and pp period. I still don’t 100% believe him and do have massive doubts.

IF I knew the truth and he did have an affair, I could make a decision from that. Most likely, I’d want a divorce. It’s the fact I don’t know and could blow everything up for supposed mental health issues and his ‘escape’. I don’t like feeling I don’t know the full truth and can’t make an informed decision based on that.

FWIW I’d normally read a thread like this and shout leave he’s lying. It’s just harder to do in real life with such a young family when I’m not 100% sure of an affair or cheating.

It's been over 6 months. Does the hotel still come up in therapy? Has his story changed at all?

Are you in therapy besides the couple therapy?

Be wary of the advice you get from here, some posters love drama and will push for the most entertaining outcome and some see men as always in the wrong.

Essentially you either choose to believe him and stay. Or choose to disbelieve and split. But you've got to try to settle it in your mind. This doubt is going to destroy your relationship if it remains. You say you're now hyper vigilant, are you disbelieving other stuff he says? Checking his phone and PC? Is this how you want to live?

Congratulations on your baby.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt because the room was unused. He might have been a bit of a silly man, panicked because things were tough between you and booked 2 adults without checking. For reference, when you book on booking.com or whatever, it does sometimes automatically put 2 adults. I actually just tried it to check and it’s automatically set to 2 adults. It’s plausible he just clicked through the booking without checking in a tiz.

Wanted to add this, I had to crop the photo because it had my name at the top and where I’m next staying underneath but… It’s automatically set to 2 adults and, for reference, I didn’t last book 2 adults- I booked 1!

See I’d believe this if it was via booking.com, but it was direct at the hotel that you have to change to 2. He does normally do all bookings for us so could have been an oversight, he says he can’t remember and may have tried to do 2 nights.

if it was a booking for 1 I’d have totally moved on, just don’t know if I’m being naive believing it.

Congratulations on the baby and glad you are ok.

I guess you'll never know for certain and for now you have been able to move on.

You have your eyes wide open and will over time either rebuild your relationship or not.

He didn't use the room. You have no evidence he cheated before. Hopefully he was at a crisis point that he's over come.

Good luck in the future

Hmm I don't know OP. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt I think. Mumsnet's relationship threads I don't think are representative of what most people actually think and everyone is encouraged to think their partner is either having an affair or is abusive no matter what the details or context.

Have you asked him outright if he was planning on suicide?