Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

The capitalising of 'MUST' doesn't make this true. It's complete nonsense.

OP please make your decision regarding the future based on real life support, talk to people who know you. There's some really wise advice on this thread, but there's other advice pushing you into what might turn out to be a rash decision you'd come to regret.

I've never had this, every time I have a room booked, its for 1 person.

Work or personal is the same.

You definitely do NOT have to enter all guests’ names. I have just this week booked 9 hotels for our holiday and only had to enter the Lead Guest’s name and contact details. No other guest details required on a single one of those bookings.

I can totally understand the need for a night in a hotel room, neutral territory, away from the home, to pause and take a deep breath.

There is nothing to indicate an affair and I think it's rather cruel of PPs to warn you that this is certainly happening.

It sounds as though that day was particularly massive stress for him.

I think you just need to sit down and talk with him, OP. Express how worried you are that he's not committed to the future, or feels overwhelmed by it, and listen.

I'd be getting everything in line here OP, this sounds like a potential suicide attempt, huge stress at work, things not working out at home and booked themself a single night in a hotel.

He booked a single night several days in advance of the date in question. Why would he only have booked a single night if he was planning to leave the OP? Surely he'd have booked a week or so to give himself time to sort something out longer term? Moving out to a hotel for a single night when 'leaving' is a spur of the moment decision because you've been chucked out or you've had a massive argument. Not something you do a few days in advance.

You know when I lost interest and sympathy is when the op said he put 150k into a new business. I don't know the op or him so why am I giving advice for?

There is to many fingers being pointed at him and he has told her how he feels. The op sounds very unforgiving I wouldn't be surprised.

This as well

You’ve both been in an unhappy relationship since May, the obvious answer is he was going to leave you

@atatotallosss I can see how confused you are .
There is an argument for both sides.
You aren’t doing too great so maybe he wanted some space /or your not doing too great as he has his attention elsewhere
He could be depressed but every man on here who claims depression was cheating
He may not stay out regular but maybe he uses rooms for a daily meet up .

Im not sure I’d let him leave you with all the responsibilities right now . Also where he’s happy to go . I’d think someone else .

The thing is op only you know him. You are going to have to weight it all up and go with your gutt.
If you can’t trust him I’d end it but make him pull his weight at this time .
Try to be as sure as you can be about your decision.

All the more reason to talk to him and actually listen to how he is feeling, instead of jumping to conclusions that some PPs are insisting on.

Only you really know him.

only you know how engaged he was with family life with your Dd before a second pregnancy. Only you know what stress at work actually looks like in your situation. Only you know if he’s the kind to bottle everything up and then snap into suicide as many men do. And only you know how remorseful he really is.

id be inclined to agree with a PP who said park this for six months until the worst of the post partum body toll is behind you. Then you might be in a better position to deal with a different kind of life, but for now, you’ll need baby help.

OP I assume you've booked / tried to book a room at the same hotel to see how the booking shows if you've just booked it for yourself? You can see if you can pay a bit more for a flexible option that you can cancel

I don't find his story unbelievable at all - people do strange/random/dramatic/impulsive things, when they are stressed and depressed.
He didn't follow through on this occasion. You know that for a fact.
Some men are VERY good at hiding mental health struggles - hence the number of unexpected male suicides.
I wouldn't be rushing to dismiss his claims - especially if he follows through with seeking help in the form of therapy/medication/self help, and tries hard to step up for you and your family.
Do you have the full picture in terms of finances OP?
I'm not suggesting you must feel you have to support him through his mental health struggles - just pointing out that his "story" could be very real, and even a sanitised version of how ill he may have been feeling.
Do you have other reliable sources of support? Don't feel you need to keep this secret from them.

Don't make a decision in haste OP.

It's an emotional time and currently you have no idea what the truth is. You need to process your anger and hurt- is it possible to see a counsellor together, or even go alone? Maybe Relate?

In time, either way the truth will out. I hope it turns out that he was being honest and booked the room for some space. It's possible he was. I think its a good idea to process your feelings and give it time before making a decision, especially in your situation with a pregnancy and toddler.

Given that it was booked and cancelled on the same day it doesn't sound pre planned at all. It sounds more like a knee jerk reaction to a stressful situation. He isn't going to have been sharing his own stresses that much if he has been trying to support OP through a difficult pregnancy. As much as some people reject the idea men do suffer with MH. They are far more likely to take their own life than women. Is that possibly because their mental health is played down as a cover for their behaviour (as per some PP on here) whereas with women the behaviour is seen as a result of their MH?

It sounds like mental health crisis. I think he needs to get help stat. But understand that the way he has handled it with you in such a vulnerable position has made you question your relationship and created stress for you.

I would take a moment to talk to some people you trust in real life, also talk to your midwife and see if they can point you towards some support at this time (they see a lot of relationship issues during pregnancy).

I would not make any lasting decisions at this point. I would be making sure your health, physical and mental, is looked after. Your husband needs to do the same. You both need to make sure you are getting help at this time, especially with a toddler in the mix.

I think this is pretty likely, based on the information OP has shared.

That doesn't mean his MH crisis doesn't impact OP. But it does mean that this relationship is not necessarily totally dead in the water as some posters are saying.

Premier Inn defaults to 2 adults. And it is very easy to tick that by accident.

Source: have done so, then needed to amend to add in baby...

To be honest, if the hotel booking is for one or two people, is irrelevant. The fact he says he booked a hotel because he was planning on leaving you, and 'needed space' is enough on its own. He was planning on leaving his very pregnant wife and 20 month old daughter. Your relationship sounds rocky and unstable. Unfortunately, it's entirely possible that he may decide to leave further down the line, especially if there is another woman involved. In my opinion, men rarely leave a marriage/long-term relationship, without there being another woman waiting in the wings. He may have decided against leaving for whatever reason, got cold feet etc. You need a frank conversation with him.

But you've had to manually change it to one person presumably, most of us will just leave it on the automatic 2 people most hotel bookings select as it makes no difference to the cost (and you get more towels)

Definitely this.

I'd also agree with @BarilynBordeaux, except for "Only you know what stress at work actually looks like in your situation." It sounds possible that OP has no idea what is really going through his mind at the moment or what has driven him to seek help.

Marriage is about supporting each other in sickness and in health. OP, you say he has explicitly stated that he doesn't feel much love from you. Is all your focus on your DD and pregnancy?

MN is quick to dismiss depression in men because that's sometimes used as an excuse to be a lazy useless arse. But it sounds as though he has been doing everything he can to support you and is undoubtedly anxious about providing for everyone, especially with some high-risk business changes going on.

Who is supporting him? It is possible that he feels he's carrying an invisible burden entirely alone, and that is a dangerous place for him to be mentally and emotionally.

What's really NOT going to help is getting the huff based on all the "leave the cheating lying bastard" posts on here. Please don't let that pollute your head, OP. Unless you can talk to him with love and compassion, you're both better off out of this relationship.

Of course if you then uncover something sordid, then you will be able to act on that, but at the moment I don't see any evidence for it.

Edited to add: The way you handle this crisis is important. If instead of listening to him in his hour of need, you just punish him for perceived infidelity, he will never really get over that betrayal.

Coming to this very late but you’re in late pregnancy, there is a lot of change coming and frankly having a vested adult alongside you and supporting you and DD (+ baby) would be my priority.

As things stand, it seems like DH was in a bleak place and there’s no evidence of cheating. Given he never goes out, how would he have hidden a hookup anyhow? You were always going to know about this until the point he cancelled.

Personally I’d put all this on hold, insist he gets help for his depression and then focus on the new baby and your health. The rest will work itself out in the year following the birth, either way.

Sorry if this is a contrary view but I’d put myself first if I were you and not rule anything in or out at this stage.

It’s seems more recent posters have the same view so it’s not such a contrary one at this point.