Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

No. It’s not true. I booked a hotel for myself and my daughter last weekend and only my name went on the booking till we got to the hotel and they asked for her passport and ID. It was booked via an online booking system

100% I book a lot of hotels. The default on most sites is 2 people unless you bother to adjust to 1. Often rate is the same. They only take lead person booking. Lots and lots of sites are the same.
If I book for myself I often leave as 2 as really it doesn’t matter unless b&b.
I am female and I once wanted to run away to a hotel too. It’s possible he just wanted a break. I often go for drives when I am stressed.
Stressful job and family. I can talk to my DP though about this part of my run away syndrome personality. He has it too. It’s actually quite common. Just talk to him op.
I do hope he wasn’t contemplating suicide. That is possibility given situation.
2 under 3 is lot plus a business!

Edit

Apologies for the lack of responses, and thank you to the posters who have taken the time to comment.

Since then, he has been sleeping in the spare room and has taken on a lot of the heavy lifting, so to speak, with DD. He’s persisting that we speak to a counsellor to try and save our marriage, and if I still want to separate, he is keen to continue going for mediation. He has also said he will look for a rental if I insist but he wants to stay in the house to support me however I need it, even if we aren’t together.

I am switching between believing it was a crisis point for him, back to it's something more sinister going on, sadness and anger and not sure what I want to do. It feels like a dream to be honest.

He’s been open and said he feels like he’s been struggling since the breakdown of the last business, coupled with our issues, and the pressures of the new business have been really hard on him. He did admit that he got to a point with me that he lost empathy for what I’m going through, and said he is disgusted that he felt that way. I did notice a major shift in him from the start of the pregnancy, but put it down to him being busier/stressed with work etc.

I feel so conflicted between just wanting to rip the plaster off and deal with it now, or trying to move forward but scared the worry and doubt will eat away at me.

He has also said that if we split he would work things in a way that he would want for me and the children to stay in the home for as long as possible, I understand what he says now and what can happen if things turn nasty can be two different scenarios.

I rechecked the booking he made on his email and the confirmation appeared at 22.56, when I made a dummy booking it appeared straight away in my email so not sure if he’s done this whilst in bed beside me or if the email has taken a few hours to come through. Also to add, my booking for the Premier Inn said 1 guest but his said 2- he’s adamant there’s no one else, he wasn’t meeting anyone and doesn’t know why his booking reverted to two.

I had a horrible feeling for the past few weeks, and actually asked him a week after the booking was made if he had plans to leave as I felt a shift from him. I was feeling really down and emotional this day and just felt really off about everything. He said of course he wasn't and that he loved me and what we had.

I was using his computer to find an email in my account, and felt the urge to see if I could see anything. I would like to point out that I've never snooped before, but had a strong feeling something was up on his side.

@atatotallosss I just want to acknowledge your latest posts and say that I’m very sorry you’re going through this. 💐

Glad you’re ok Op and you have amazing instincts so trust them! But don’t rush anything as you have enough stress on and if he’s willing to help you now I’d take it. Plus it honestly doesn’t sound like a full on ow situation as men totally get selfish then and aren’t trying to save a marriage. But trust your gut, look after you, bump and DD, and only you know what’s best for you here. X

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Just to say, a lot of people end their lives during what seems to be a normal and happy time in their lives, that's part of hiding it from everyone.

So just because you were getting along at the time, doesn't mean that's what he was running away from.
He would have been running away from all the other stuff, but the timing just crossed with a happy period.

Hence people left behind usually say the person seemed happy and content.

You mention that he lost empathy for you. Do you feel/express empathy for his feelings and situation? In among all your sadness, anger and suspicion? Sorry, this is not meant as a barbed reply, it's just that you don't mention that side of things at all.

I do, but struggling with the fact its came out as a result of me finding an hotel booking. I'm hopeful its not a cover for something else and that's where my anger comes from.

If he'd been honest and said something I would have truly supported him. Even if he said listen I booked a hotel last night this is how I'm feeling about you etc. I'd have listened and appreciated his honestly.

I'm just struggling to trust if its not just a cover to leave me or meet someone there.

I wouldn’t make a decision yet. I also wouldn’t continue to discuss it. Let him sleep in the spare room and carry on with life as best as you can for the moment.

You had a suspicion that something was up. Trust that feeling. Stay calm and stay quiet. Don’t go searching but see what comes up. If he is up to no good it will reveal itself in time.

Its difficult but you are in control of the situation not him and you ultimately get to decide how it unfolds.

Has he mentioned that he felt the need to disguise what he was going through?

I can't help thinking of @Treesandsheepeverywhere's post just now...

I agree with this. At the moment you have no idea what the truth is, and that uncertainty is incredibly hard of course, but as much as it might go against the grain, I think given your situation you are wisest to let things settle as they are rather than trying to force things to go one way or the other. Focus on the baby. Truth always comes out in the end and you will know in your heart what the right decision is when it does. For now just focus on the baby.

When the business came crashing down due to no fault of our own, (we were shafted business wise) it put a massive strain on us, we were actually more of a team when it happened, but I was three months pregnant, and an income stream for us would soon be ending. I was hesitant of opening a new business so close to giving birth and expressed this and he diminished my concerns. He said because of this, he felt he couldn't be honest about the stress it was causing him because he had said previously don't worry about it. He said the demise of the business also affected him quite badly in hindsight, coupled with our issues it all got too much and he felt he wasn't doing anything right. Plus the ticking time bomb of me giving birth added to his worries of not being able to be there more for me or as prepared as he thought he would be.

That does sound very concerning... a potent combination of guilt, stress, feelings of failure and isolation.

At least you're talking now! 💗

He sounds feral. He should be supporting you in your pregnancy. Sorry you are going through this shit. Good luck.

I rechecked the booking he made on his email and the confirmation appeared at 22.56, when I made a dummy booking it appeared straight away in my email so not sure if he’s done this whilst in bed beside me or if the email has taken a few hours to come through. Also to add, my booking for the Premier Inn said 1 guest but his said 2- he’s adamant there’s no one else, he wasn’t meeting anyone and doesn’t know why his booking reverted to two.

This makes him sound guilty as hell. It sounds like late night texting with the OW made him book a hotel room for 2. Sorry to say this but it seems very obvious.

So he said he wasn't thinking of leaving you when you asked originally when you felt things were off - in fact he was telling you how much he loved you. He then booked a hotel room specifically for 2. Now he's excusing it by saying he was going to leave you - and now he's suddenly desperate for you both to see a counsellor and trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying by talking about the kids separate Christmas's.

Why didn't he suggest counselling before if he was thinking about splitting? Booking a room for two is not the answer - what was he going to do the day after that?

The only thing you know for sure is that he has lied to you one way or another and you can't trust his word. It's tricky to move on from that especially when you can't be sure whether he was intending to also cheat. He's completely fucked your head so you have no idea what the truth is and IMO that is the very cruelest, worst thing you can do to a person.

No one books a room for two people when only one is going though IMO. And losing empathy for you would have allowed him to blame you for his wrong doings and not care that he was hurting you.

We're in the same line of thinking.

As much as you say you'd have supported him OP, if he doesn't feel it, you won't convince him.

When people take their lives, it's not because they don't have supportive people who love them.

It's about a darkness and overwhelming sense of helplessness.

I hope you can salvage your marriage if that's what you want, but to do so, you'd have to be willing to forgive.

The tricky part here is getting to the bottom of what you're forgiving.

As others have said, counselling sounds like the next sensible step.

Yes. I'm probably thinking that way because I've also been in a similar headspace and booked a hotel room to wrap my head around things. But it all seemed pointless, so I didn't bother.

I think it's telling that he has assured you of his love, but stated that he doesn't feel any love in return. To some extent that's a result of him being sealed behind his Perspex screen of gloom, but I hope you go easy on the anger and suspicion OP at least until things are clearer. It's all very well PPs projecting their own fears onto the situation, but it can be a very lonely business feeling like the provider who is anxious about their value diminishing to zero.

He booked the hotel room a week before I asked. When he booked the room he was at home. Then either fell asleep beside me or came to bed, with the timings I'm sure he would have been beside me but can't be 100% sure. Then a week later I asked as he seemed off, then a few days later he said about Christmas.

I do completely agree with everything you have said though, and its how I'm so angry and conflicted and can't just believe his story on mental health and needing to escape.

He had booked a therapy session for tomorrow, which I have agreed to attend. As much as other posters are saying park it for now, I cannot go through labour with him by my side and doubts racing around my head. If anything did transpire to be true (my doubts on leaving just to leave or cheating) I'd never forgive him for being with me through it. I hope that makes sense.

I either want the truth in a safe space, or if I feel I'm being given a story to cover his tracks, a way to move forward with the children at the forefront.

We have attended this therapist in the past to improve areas of our marriage that did help (it wasn't a crisis that needed fixed etc. More we wanted to be proactive) so I'm hoping with the good rapport we have with her it should be easier to hopefully get some answers or help at least.

Thank you for your perspective, and apologies you have been in a dark place before. I hope you're doing better now.

I have agreed to attend a therapy session he has booked tomorrow so I'm hoping to press him more on the truth in a safe space. He is someone that holds it together for everyone and has suffered from depression in the past before we were a couple.

As horrible as this may sound, I'm hoping it is depression. Even things like finishing packing my hospital bag fills me with sadness thinking back to when I started doing it and how happy and excited I was to how I now feel thinking he may be cheating etc. and I'm doing this all alone. I'm not heartless, I just don't want our family to fall apart. If it is depression, I would do all that I can to help him.

I don't understand how he never went through with it if this is the case. He owns a business that could quite easily have covered for him to go and for me to not question why he was out all night. This doesn't happen often but it is a business that never closes its doors (don't want to say more as I don't want the post to be identifying).

It's a nightmare situation OP, I don't envy you the confusion. I hope you get some answers tomorrow.

And yes, thank you! Life is good now 💗

Sorry you've been through similar and hope you're in a more peaceful place.

Good luck with the therapy session OP.