Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

im not sure he is ‘innocent’ though. As secretly planning to leave your heavily pregnant wife and stay in a hotel while she cares for your toddler is still pretty awful in my book!

What? I've never had to do that, and I book hotels fairly regularly.

Hotel rooms are often booked for 2 people as the default setting, that doesnt mean he'd planned to be with someone else.

He didnt use the room, he seems to be trying to make things work.

You will soon have 2 young children to consider, you should try to get past this. Dont exclude him from the birth, he needs to connect with his child.

there isn’t really a good way of looking at this tbf. He’s either lying and cheating on you, or he actually did plan to leave you whilst you were 35 weeks pregnant. I couldn’t forgive either of those. If you choose to stay then you should absolutely prepare for him to leave as, best case, that was his plan only a week or so ago 😳

It’s hard to tell if he really had planned to leave or needed a break from or if he planned a hook up.
Can you ask to see all his credit card statements to make sure he’s not booked hotels before.

This guy is a shit head but you clearly have issues with men in general and are trying to push your weird hatred and don't care whether OP is the collateral damage in that.
totally agree with this. some people really can't wait to suggest actions which caused untold misery to others, especially children.

I agree with this.

everyone man I’ve known to have been having an affair has pulled the mental health card at some point. The poor partner has been bending over backwards to support them.

partly because it is stressful leading a double life, but I also think it’s because most of us want to believe we are the ‘the good guy’ but shagging someone else behind your wife’s back ( even worse while pregnant) is pretty damning evidence that you are the ‘bad’ one.

and more cynically, it may also just be good cover for bad behaviour. It also throws your partner off balance- they want to help you, rather than checking your pockets/ emails for receipts

I use different hotels every few weeks and never has it shown up on the booking as two people. Not once. It’s a double room sure but always one person. I book all over the EU and UK.

OP none of this looks good. In my experience above he looks like he booked for two. This is an additional stress. One is bad enough.

I believe him OP. If the only evidence of potential cheating is an unused hotel booking for 2 people…which is always, always the default setting, not 1 person…then there really isn’t any evidence of cheating.

You say things have been fine so you don’t understand why this would have happened, but that’s not really true is it?

You will have become pregnant when your eldest was around 1 year old, planned or unplanned, that’s tough! You say your DH is running himself ragged running his own business to provide for you all. You’ve been arguing. You’ve had a scare with your current pregnancy. I don’t think there has to be anything particular about that specific day that would make your DH make that booking. It’s a culmination of the past 6 months or so.

Now of course he wasn’t being his best self when he made that booking. Trying to bail out when things got tough. If you are honest with yourself, have you never had a “I can’t do this anymore” moment during the recent tough times in your marriage? I adore my DH & child but oh I have had those times even though I know I wouldn’t go through with it. I’ve looked up places to rent and done the math to see how I’d manage. I don’t think that makes me an awful person. It makes me human.

Your DH didn’t turn up for that booking. He’s still there even though things sound really tough right now. He doesn’t deserve a knighthood for that but should you leave someone for having a wobble they never followed through on? That’s up to you OP.

Have you actually read what he’s done and said? Jesus, your bar is low.

How do you make those bookings? Directly through the hotel?

If you use anything like booking.com it defaults to two people for a double room. Not many hotels offer a single occupancy price. It’s the same whether one or two people use the room. You generally have to “force” the booking to be for one person.

Booking directly with a hotel is entirely different.

Double room for single occupancy is the usual listing if it’s just one person.

Eh? No you don’t, maybe on some sites but not on the main ones including booking.com. Odd thing to state as a blanket fact when it’s not.

To give people an example…

I searched booking.com for a hotel room for tonight in Glasgow and I clicked on the first option that came up. This is what it looks like.

If I just click reserve it’s assuming the booking is for 2 people. I would have to specifically “force” it to be for 1 person. It always assumes there are 2 people unless you tell it otherwise.

Absolutely correct!

You do not have to give the names of all occupants to complete the booking. Especially in a UK booking made in the UK.

I know this is generally a hate men they suck site, but sometimes it is also the actual case that a man is struggling with their MH. OP states he is an engaged father and supportive husband- the only 'evidence' of anything questionable is a hotel booking which he didn't attend, and then saying he considered leaving when questioned which is generally easier than telling your heavily pregnant wife you considered ending your life.

Reality is none of us know, id be inclined to want to calmly talk it through, cards on the table and asking the uncomfortable questions rather than whatever is going on now.

Even if he hasn’t (or wasn’t intending to cheat) he still said he wanted to leave you. He could have said anything else at that point ‘I just needed a break’ ‘I’m really stressed and needed to get away for a night’ ‘I’m sleeping really badly’ ……

yet he chooses to reveal that he wanted to leave you?!

whether he’s cheating or not, either scenario is shit because he admitted that he wanted to leave.

personally I think it’s more likely that he wanted to get his end away.

im really sorry. He’s a shit and god you don’t deserve this at 35 weeks pregnant. Just awful.

So you think he should have lied and said he just needed a good nights sleep?

I don't think it matters anymore what his intention was by booking the room - your trust is broken.
If you want to continue the relationship then I agree that counselling might help you to talk everything through, but I would definitely be looking at finances and potentially looking for a solicitor to help if you were unable to overcome this.

Usually you get a cheaper rate if it’s for one person.

eitherway, you need to find a way to focus on your pregnancy and stay calm. Do you have supportive parents / best friend?

don’t manage this alone you need someone else to talk to and support you.

Agree.

Telling someone you want to leave them is pretty radical.. Why would he say that? It doesn’t come out of nowhere.

I would push him away and focus on myself to prepare for giving birth. Use the time to gain clarity and focus on what YOU want.

He can use the time to reflect on his behaviour and work out how he can make amends if he truly wants to.

Seriously, when you’re confused and don’t know what to do then don’t do anything. Silence is your friend.

Oh op, you need to focus on you and little one right now, what happens after baby's born who knows, but be prepared as he will leave , already one foot out the door,

You can only think about you and baby for now, what he does you have no control over,

If he did booked via booking.com app he will have history, cancelled, past, booking ,

I think the fact he is ready to leave while your 35 weeks says it all op,

You look after you and little one and let him go, he's halfway out anyway,

Your life's going to be busy with new baby and toddler you don't need to be thinking/ worrying what he may be planning on doing, now , 3 months from now ,

Just look after you guys for now,

Of course, it’s possible. Men struggle with MH issues more than women because they find it difficult to seek help.

FWIW I don’t hate men. I know men who have behaved terribly during their wives/ partners pregnancy, and believe them when they say they weren’t coping/ couldn’t deal with it. However, we are all adults and we need to own our behaviour.

It’s a very common trope by men that they had an affair because of mental health issues / being in a bad place. But I’d argue that a lot of the ‘issues’ are due to the fact they’re having an affair.

Seriously, when you’re confused and don’t know what to do then don’t do anything. Silence is your friend.

I think this is good advice. Never make life changing decisions while emotions are running high, give yourself time particularly given how far along your pregnancy is.

It’s likely you’ll never know what his intentions were. He may have just had enough and needed some space, may have been having really dark thoughts, may have planned a hook up - you’ll never know.

You do know you’ve both been under a huge amount of stress, that he doesn’t tend to seek support and is an engaged dad. I don’t find it unrealistic that he might need space - don’t we all from time to time. He is saying he planned to leave, which is a clear statement that needs to be addressed in whatever way you feel appropriate. Your question is whether the relationship is salvageable - given the many moving parts here I’d be inclined to try and work on it but that’s be, you’re in the marriage and know the history.

The one thing that’s clear is you don’t need to make a decision right now.

OP leaving aside how many people the room was booked for or why … his initial response was to tell you it was for a friend. Then he changed it to saying he was stressed and felt no love from you so he wanted to leave you (for one night?). Then mental health.

I understand perfectly why people are saying perhaps he intended to harm himself etc but this hotel was booked for the night (I think I’m getting this right) or in the week of the launch of a new business. One of several businesses he has.
It sounds, on the surface, as if he’d have a lot to celebrate - the end of the stress pre-launch, getting over the business that closed, getting closer to the end of the difficult pregnancy process,

Also on the surface it seems like he’s capable of handling stress as he’s capable of running successful businesses.

Now obviously he could be struggling with mental health issues privately but leaving a heavily pregnant and struggling wife with a toddler so close to delivering his second child for depression for just one night seems very odd.

I’m saying this in light of your first response that mental health issues was “new to me” and he lives with you… Nobody on here saying it sounds like cheating or sounds like MH issues knows him like you do.
if I were you I’d be cautious about buying into this easy go-to excuse.
It seems odd that in the same week you were happy together, loving texts etc business launch, no fights, that he nonetheless booked a hotel room for one night but hadn’t sought advice from a solicitor or moved funds or any of the other things people planning on leaving a spouse might do.
I mean by this, to book on the day for that night suggests a degree of urgency. It doesn’t tally with his alleged MH issues or stress or his initial response to blame YOU for not loving him etc which he’d presumably had for a bit of time since May.

I’m not an ltb/he must be cheating person but to me this is very suspicious behaviour. I’d be asking myself if there’s anyone he’s been in contact with closely from May that might be also celebrating the launch of the business- so a seemingly sudden decision to stay over in a hotel (eg because drunk celebrating/went on much later than planned sorting out) became a plausible excuse and your pregnancy worry threw a spanner in the works, he deleted the incriminating evidence but forgot to permanently delete it because of what was going on.

Are you seeing signs of remorse, guilt or of depression.. you know him best.

i wish you luck OP with the birth and moving forwards.