Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

Thank goodness people are starting to believe what he’s said as I was reluctant to say this in case I was thought of as naive. Imo, in his stressed state, he tried to run away then thought better of it.
No OW. No sex worker. Just a stressed person.
I’ve had friends who have booked time out in a hotel when they couldn’t cope. That’s all it is - an inability to cope on that day.

At this time in your pregnancy the focus should be on your welfare & an exciting time, life doesn't often work like this though & these times can be overwhelming. Your DH has hinted at mental health & depression as well as feelings of being overwhelmed & given his actions I would consider asking if he's had any thoughts of harming himself to check how deep these feelings are running, if they are indeed the genuine reason for this

It's not even a case of missing it, there's no point changing it, unless you're adding breakfasts that aren't included in the price, or it's in another country with a city tax per guest.

I remember back in the day some places would charge a premium for single occupancy (to mitigate losing out on bar/food spend etc) but I haven't seen that in years.

If he was stressed would he have bothered to change the number of people for the room if it wasn't going to impact the price anyway?

I think counselling is the way to go for you as a couple and he needs to find ways to cope with his stress - does he have a professional mentor for example?

Just adding my theory - he booked it on that specific day because he thought you would be in hospital overnight after what had happened. He started his "affair" (either emotional or otherwise) three months ago, which is why the "stress" has escalated since then. This was his chance for consummation of that affair. His next chance will be when you're in hospital having your baby. Sorry OP.

Well, obviously he's lying. I mean, you know that.

As for the "2 person default" - no. Yes it will default to 2 people but when you get to the next stage you MUST enter the names of both people, so at that point he would have had to enter the name of the woman he's sleeping with or go back and change it to one occupant.

I would definitely start snooping around to see if there is anything else that indicates infidelity : go through his bank accounts for other bookings. I would go through his phone as well. If nothing- get som marriage counselling and some separate for him if he claims mh issues.

Normally I read these threads and think "He's clearly having an affair" but I'm really not getting that vibe here. I think your dh might be really struggling with his mental health. Work stress can be really tough and he could be hiding how bad things are. How bad do you think his mental health is? I would be a little worried that he'd booked a hotel room on that particularly stressful day because he was considering ending his life. That would explain the vagueness of him saying was going to leave / can't remember much. Obviously, I could be wrong and it could just be an affair but the way you describe him and his behaviour makes me feel like he cares about you and hasn't stopped loving you.

Ask yourself if this is the norm? Are you happy with it? Is it the kind of life you envisage for yourself and your children? If not, you need to act fast, deliver ultimatums, get your bloke to face his responsibilities or out. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Live your best life, don't just accept what comes your way. Question it. Stand up for what you believe.

If it was a room for overnight he’d have needed an excuse to stay out all night if he was meeting a woman. Does he sometimes do this? Or would it have been totally out of character thus raising lots of suspicions and questions?

I feel for you this must be very upsetting.
It's sad he was willing to leave you but we do all have moments of madness expecially when the relationship has been struggling already be it selfish on his part. Rooms are always based on two adults but will never know what his true intentions were or are.
Only you know if you can get past this. Will be very hard.

If he really is stressed and he booked the hotel for the same day on the spur of the moment it is entirely possible that he was planning to leave you.
Stressed people do odd things when they feel on the edge of a breakdown.
It might well have been the chance of a hook up but it also might not have been.
You are just about to give birth, with a toddler, and cannot currently get about properly.
What do you want to do?
Is there anyway to lessen the load in terms of the business?
Can you stay with anyone for a few days to clear your head?
This is not the time for rash decisions, when you have no real evidence, on the advice of a few people that don't know your husband or husband state of mind.
Do you genuinely believe him or not?

I don’t think this is always true, unfortunately. I booked a hotel for my mother last week, at a well known chain hotel, and it shows one adult in a double room on the booking.

This was my thought too, is he engaging with his GP or any MH services OP?

This, with bells on.

And you were looking at his deleted folder, not least his email in general, why?

I've been tossing and turning for hours going through everything in my head, taking on board everything everyone here is saying too. He slept in the spare room last night and so far this morning we haven't spoke. Being around him right now makes my skin burn with anger at what he could have planned, whats been going on behind my back etc.

I have to take DD out today and asked him last night to get me all the financial info I need re businesses and pension, and spoke briefly about what would happen right now should I go into labour as I don't want it coming as a surprise should it suddenly happen. I said that currently I don't want him near the hospital as it would just further taint what should be a happy memory etc. He was extremely hurt by this but understands id need support there.

He has said if I'm insistent its over, he will look for somewhere to stay in the short term whilst we sort this mess out, its not a fair atmosphere for DD to be around. Whether he sticks to that or changes his mind today is another story.

I'm just second guessing anything that's happened or been said over the past few months and don't know what to believe.

Quite frankly I think you’re over reacting based on what some randomers on mumsnet are saying.
If your DH is innocent I feel sorry for him.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account

Soulds like he’s planning on leaving you. The sentence above explains why.

Unfortunately you’ll now never trust him again, due to his actions. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Leave the lying prick.

I think whether or not there is another woman is irrelevant. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Your relationship was poor enough that he wanted to leave. Can the relationship be repaired? You need to look at how you can both / whether you can both be happier in the relationship. I would say it was more likely to be an affair if he had said he had booked the room for a friend. Booking it because he wanted to leave isn’t a casual excuse to cover up an affair.

I think he’s NOT having an affair and doesn’t really want to leave. You’re both incredibly stressed and this hotel booking just seems like a quick escape booked while completely overwhelmed and not managing emotionally (possibly fearful of having another child). I think you should both calm down and try to pull together amid the stress, he should get some medication to help him cope and you need to find a way of having maternity leave soon. Pull together to get through the next 6 months, then review things. Also use the time to think about how the practicalities of life can be simplified and less stressful. It is possible one or both of you might have post natal depression at this rate, you both need to workout how to create life balance starting with the basics, are you both getting enough sleep, exercise, alone time, together time,

you MUST enter the names of both people

This is simply not true.

If I'm staying in a room I always boom for two because depending on the hotel it's the same price but you get more teabags/biscuits/towels.