Would you believe this? Husband and hotel

[atatotallosss]

Will try to keep this short. Currently 35 weeks pregnant with a 20-month-old DD.

Today, I found an email in my husband's email account for a hotel room for two adults dated two weeks ago. Instantly, I felt sick, and I couldn’t hold it in to confront him. Initially, he said it was for a friend, then said he booked it as he had planned to leave me and changed his mind. He doesn't know why the room is listed for two adults and is clamining he just booked the room that showed available.

I have proof that the room was unused with a no-show charge on the invoice, but I honestly don’t know what to think or believe. He’s full of remorse, citing mental health and depression (new to me).

Things have been stressful with work (self-employed) and we have been going through a rocky patch for the past few months (arguments, me struggling in pregnancy and him saying he feels no love from me) however on the day he planned this, that morning I had woken up to blood on my underwear and had to call triage- he plans this?! He says it was a moment of madness and overwhelm, the day the booking was made for, we had zero arguments and it was a normal day except for him being more stressed than usual with work etc. And the scare with the baby. He came home from work and we had normal conversations etc.

He's not been out etc recently so if it was an affair it would have been at work, or online I’m assuming. He is self-employed so god knows what he’s been doing during the day.

He wants us to try and move past this, however, I don’t know if I’m just postponing the inevitable and he will leave one week postpartum etc.

Yes. Another shit man, another heavy pregnancy, another bunch of lies.
Sorry for the OP.

Glad I stayed as free of men (also children) as possible in life.

I've just checked my last hotel invoice, I booked it for one person only but it was invoiced as a room for 2

I would be angry at my H if he had contemplated leaving me when I was pregnant, but at the same time I had felt like running away, booking a hotel for couple of nights and getting breathing space as I was too overwhelmed so I can understand how he would've been in a difficult space at the time

Prenatal and postnatal depression is a thing in men. They tend to suffer in silence. I've not read the whole thread, so sorry if you've addressed this. Have you asked him more about the depression and encouraged him to see his GP?

This is where my mind went to as well.

If he is self employed, doing all the hours he can already and knows you're going to be on maternity leave soon OP, maybe he had a complete panic and couldn't see a way out. Then got some clarity and didn't go through with it. Maybe he needs to see a doctor.

I nearly left my partner when I was pregnant. I felt that if I did it when pregnant and he didn't attend the birth, there would never be away for me to give that back to him or change my mind. I did then separate from him when the baby was 2 months old. For me it was right to wait and not make that decision before the birth.

Can you share this all with someone you trust in the "real world"? This is a lot on your shoulders with so much happening in your life?

Good luck with it all.

No it isn’t. Men can’t get pre and postnatal depression. They can get depression. It can coincide with or be triggered by the birth of a child.

Let’s leave something that’s just women’s, yeah?

I think it's important to ask him if he has been feeling suicidal & if he answers yes the next question is 'did he have a plan' because as a PP said some people book hotel rooms to take their own life.

No I’m not saying he should have lied, my point was that I don’t actually believe that he wanted to leave OP, I think he blurted it out in panic, in which case he could have blurted out something less hurtful to try and mitigate the pain caused.

My opinion is that actually, he was probably cheating (or intending to cheat)

but let’s just say that he was telling the truth and wanted to leave. Then he can’t just u turn and brush it all under the carpet like nothing has happened. Oh let’s just move on, nothing to see here etc! Which is what he now appears to be doing.

I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, he is being a shitty husband, but if you felt everything was ok in May , is it just panic because of work and the new baby??
Is he worried he's not coping with anything? Work, relationship. Parenthood ? And panic has well and truly set in?
Obviously not the way to go about dealing with it, Im sure many mothers would like to step away for a bit and clear their heads, its often suggested on here to book a hotel for a night, BUT that takes communication and him blocking everything /everyoneout is not the way.
I would try and have an honest conversation about how he's coping and feeling, let him know if you have similar worries, and how/if you can move forward from this. His actions have been deplorable and you might choose to say enough is enough.

On a personal note my DSis and BiL were trying for a baby, so excited when it happened. At the scan they found out it was twins and BiL went on a steep spiral as to how would they manage, emotionally, financially, and practically. He didn't want to ipset her by telling her how he

was feeling but DSis was exhausted and worried about his behaviour. They talked about it, where both were honest and open about how scary it felt . As a couple they supported each other and 4yrs down the road they are great parents with a third as well!

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and hope he steps up big time x

Exactly this, everyone piles in, it really is possible he is having a mental health crisis and is totally innocent in all this. Ending a marriage because everyone on mumsnet is guessing what’s happened is frankly utterly ridiculous!

What sort of hotel was it? I would be inclined to be more suspicious if it was a nicer hotel as surely if it was just a bed to sleep in by himself he would go for a cheapy travelodge.

he's now saying he was struggling to cope with everything

So instead of trying to work things through, he thought he'd take himself off to a hotel and leave OP who is also struggling to get on with it, with a toddler and in last trimester.

Weak man indeed

Op could your daughter go stay with parents for a couple nights so you and DH can talk properly?
On face value the facts are he booked a hotel room on the day that he didn’t attend. There is no evidence of OW. Yes I’d suspect too. But the facts are not OW. He is claiming MH and citing stress with business which you say is a fact - he is under stress.
I think you need to talk to him and find out what he wants. You need to think what you want.
Personally if it was me I would be wanting my OH to stay and help with toddler and baby as that is a LOT on your own! But on the understanding that you both need to try work on the relationship and he can’t run away and needs to talk to you when he’s stressed.
If after the first 6 months you can’t make it work then you both tried.
If he does it again and runs away or evidence of OW then he’d be out.
But this is just what I would do! On the basis of facts there is no evidence he has cheated. There is evidence he isn’t coping and tried to run away - which could be MH and stress and doesn’t make him an unworthy life partner or something that can’t be fixed if its an isolated incident
ps he has offered to go gp and I think he should. An antidepressant might help him cope or counselling and you’d actually then have your old DH back.

It's so shit that when it's a hard and stressful season of life (small kids etc) some mens instinct is to remove themselves, temporarily or otherwise.

It's a season, it passes. The level of attention you can give your spouse when habing a small baby and young children changes dramatically. But it doesn't last forever! Makes me so mad that some men react like that.

My own father was like this, told my mum who was 7 months pregnant he didn't know if he wanted a kid... bit late! Then had an affair when I was 11 months old. Garbage.

The two people thing is usually default in a hotel booking if it's a double room, but you need to really talk with your husband as this has been a wake up call for both of you, he needs to understand his needs are important but not the most important and to use his words next time.

OP have you asked him directly if he was intending to end his life? As pp have said people often do this in hotel rooms. He might have been planning to meet someone but the above is also a possibility given all you said. Regardless, encourage him to the GP asap and to be open with them. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through all of this and hope you have some support around you.

Op, I’m a solo traveller and I can’t count the amount of times I’ve overlooked booking a hotel and changing 2 adults on the booking form to 1, then when I check in I’m asked where the other guest is.

I believe it’s entirely possible that he had booked the hotel for himself but the important thing here is not to be consoled by this, the fact you’re in this situation is a clear indication that all is not well in your marriage and you have some tough times ahead whatever way this goes.

All the best to you Op and please try to take heart from the women you have here who are willing you on and sending you strength. 💐

Why were you looking in his deleted emails folder? What prompted that?

When snooping you need to check deleted and sent folders.

So do I. You have to select the number of adults when booking, and for my bookings, confirmation emails always show the number of adults as 1, whatever the capacity of the room. I’ve just checked through my most recent as I’ve had a lot of overnights in the last few months, and they all show occupancy as booked. If they state 2, it’s because I’ve booked it for 2 people.

He’s lying OP.

Hmmmm it’s a tough one with nothing else to go on.

It’s quite common for men to have been saying they’re “stressed with work” or “depressed” when an affair is discovered. The hotel room for 1 night on its own though is odd, and if there’s no other signs on his emails or phone, and you haven’t noticed any other odd behaviours recently then you can only take it on what he’s saying for now.

Men don’t leave to be alone.

Yes, exactly this what I just posted. I experienced the same, was so worried about my exDH because he was so stressed with work and turned out it was all just because he was having an affair with woman at work.
Someone very close to me her partner was then “depressed” but turned out it was because he was having an affair with a woman at work. I’ve seen it on here several times too.

Is there more to the backstory here? Why were you checking his deleted emails box?

What sort of hotel room was it? Fancy or basic? Family friendly? Central or dodgy sidestreet in a red-light area... Hotel choice could tell you all lot. Also - if it's somewhere like travelogue or holiday inn its harder to accidently add a second adult if you're paying for things like 2x breakfast. What was the exact timing in relation to your bleed (you'll be able to see the timing)?

Will he be willing to show you his search history?

What he did is wrong but running your own business can be extremely stressful and it sounds like his businesses have been very tough lately. Add to that mix your toddler and you being pregnant and I am guessing he might feel he is failing you and the family. Some men, when they feel completely overwhelmed take drastic action. It is not about their lack of love for their partner but their feelings that they, as a man and partner, are useless. Not all men are bastards. They are human like us.

@atatotallosss coming at this from a different angle - as a couple you’ve taken on a massive amount. An infant and another pregnancy, opening and closing self employed businesses with major financial outlay, pregnancy related challenges etc etc. Although I’m sick to death of the mental health card being pulled for every (usually minor) life challenge, in this case I can see that your DH might have felt a sudden overwhelm and need to get away which he then thought better of. You’re understandably exhausted, tired, in pain, and very confused which colours everything. Whatever the truth is, you’ll have another baby soon and he will still be the father to both children.
Might the compromise be to park the current situation, focus on family for the next few months and see how that goes? If he’s ill, he needs to sort it. If he’s up to no good the signs will be there and you can make your long term decisions once you’re back to full strength.

Haven't been fine at all.

You know he's looked at leaving so how do you want to spend the rest of your life? Waiting for him to go again?
Is there any trust between you left?