Families that don't do anything with children

[Countryspaniel]

In my line of work I come into contact with a lot of families. Over the summer it got me thinking why some families don't do anything with children.

Why is it that some people just sit around at home day after day? I'm realistic that not everyone has money but you don't need money for a lot of things.

There are parks, community events, walking, bike rides, Picnics, library, museums etc.

I can't imagine why you would want to sit at home day after day without expanding children's experiences.

I can't drive for medical reasons, I live in a small town right on the outskirts and I don't even have a shop within walking distance let alone a library or any sort of free museums or days out. The bus service is terrible and totally unreliable. The local park is also awful, play equipment is old and damaged and isn't worth visiting. The medical diagnosis only happened last year so before that I could take my kids all over in the summer holidays but now we are often stuck at home. People don't always think outside of their little bubble.

working full time, physical disability and autistic child who is too anxious to want to go out.

Haven’t RTFT, but I absolutely loathed the summer holidays growing up for this reason. We just didn’t do anything. It wasn’t about affordability (professional parents, high household income) or lack of time (one SAHP for much of my childhood), they just didn’t think it was important enough. They poured energy into career and pointlessly amassing wealth through an expansive property portfolio, but had absolutely no social or cultural drive. They were utterly joyless. Thank goodness I was into reading and devoured book after book just to pass the time.

As an adult now I simply can’t sit at home and do nothing - I feel like I am wasting my life. I make the most of every weekend and never take annual leave if it’s not to go somewhere. I think this is in direct reaction to my boring, culturally impoverished childhood.

This weekend I went to a wine festival on Friday night. On Saturday I did an exercise class, went on a bike ride, had lunch out then went to a boat party in the evening, then on Sunday went on another bike ride, had lunch out then went for a massage. Not every weekend is this busy but I literally never waste a weekend sitting around doing nothing - it would just remind me of the hell that was school holidays as a child.

I grew up with a disabled and generally quite ill father, so as a child it was nigh on impossible for my parents to try and organise activities for my sister and I because there were simply greater problems than whether we'd be able to go on holidays or days out. The ideas that OP listed are not feasible when your dad can't spend more than an hour on his feet without needing to lie down for the rest of the day, this was something that my sister and I learnt and just eventually got used to, meaning that our holidays were just typically spent at home.

Exactly. There are absolutely cases where there are no health issues, money issues etc and parents still don’t take their children out of the house during school holidays. And it’s due to shit, lazy parenting. Also some people seem to just not have an interest in anything? Like they’re barely alive in the world. There was a thread a while back about someone whose family members lived close to an AONB that people travel from all over the country to visit but they themselves had never taken their kids to, preferring to stay in and watch TV or go on the internet.

I’ve noticed that my friends’ parents who had more energy and inclination to DO things in life have aged considerably better. I don’t mean in terms of wrinkles and grey hair, I mean in terms of maintaining good energy levels into old age.

Sorry to hear about your dad. Was there another parent in the picture? Could they have taken you out by themselves? Especially when you were a little older and easier to manage. Taking two toddlers out by oneself might be tricky, but I often see one parent out with multiple slightly older children.

Children under 16 travel free on London underground and some London overground (with the free zip card if they're over 10). And people on UC or other benefits get half price travel. All the London museums have areas where you can eat a picnic and more people do that than use the cafes. The shops are easy to avoid - usually to one side, unlike commercial places where you go through it on the way out. And if the shop or cafe is the highlight for a kid, you're going to the wrong museums. I can't imagine many preschoolers who wouldn't prefer the interactive Garden at the science museum: it's the adults who like the cafe ime (but even I would choose the Garden instead)

Usually I would take my DD all over in the holidays but this year I couldn't get much time off work and she's now a teenager who moans at every suggestion I give and just wants new clothes constantly, so I'm not wasting my money on booking things she won't enjoy haha. Couldn't book a holiday either as I'm waiting for an operation! She's entertained herself a lot by helping her gran look after her smaller cousins and hanging out with friends.

I do agree with you but I wouldn’t believe every child when they say they have done nothing/ gone on their iPads/ games consoles.

We’ve been on holiday, have another holiday booked and have had loads of nice days out but when my DC goes back to school they will probably say they have done ‘nothing’.

The highlight of my DC going abroad for the week was that they were allowed to go on their iPad on the plane (they don’t use it at home, only for long journeys).

We also went to one of the ‘free’ museums, it cost £40 on the train to get there, £40 to enter the 2 paid for exhibitions (without doing these it wouldn’t of been worth travelling and paying the train fee) then money in the cafe/ gift shop.

Of course there are exceptions as to why people can’t take their kids out (illness etc) but in my personal experience it is 100% can’t be bothered! I have friends who won’t take their kids out for the most ridiculous reasons (weather over 22 degrees, 30% chance of a shower etc) and then complain they are being bothered constantly in the house by the kids - they are bored! Unfortunately in my experience days out aren’t being replaced by lovely planned activities at home - they are being replaced by tv and boredom.

@Countryspaniel Just because the child said he chilled on his tablet all summer doesn't mean that's what happened. My sister told my child to tell me what she'd done in the park yesterday, about an hour after she did it, and my child looked blank, she'd been on a zip line, not an everyday occurence but she didn't think to tell. I've also heard my kids say "good" with no follow up when asked how their holiday/weekend was. I'd be like that if someone asks about weekend/holiday cos I know people are polite and don't really want to hear and maybe some kids just know they're being asked but know the adult doesn't really care about the answer.

Some weekends are needed by parents to do nothing. We have been slammed since the start of the year so when there's nothing on the kids can go out and play and we stay home. You sound very judgmental of parents when you really don't know what happens in the families lives day to day.

Objectively speaking, your friend is more intelligent as she is curious, an IQ test won’t capture that though.

I hear this attitude trotted out a lot about the importance of being "bored" and it really winds me up: I'm afraid I think mainly its self-justifying nonsense from people looking to excuse their own laziness.

People always bang on about kids playing out, damming streams, making dens and all this but they are not doing this, for the most part. They are on devices. "Learning to be creative" would require, in practice, a 24/7 screen ban which could only be enforced by a SAHP or the total removal of device, leading to a revolt.

I completely get that parents can't supervise their kids for six weeks during the summer and that a lot of activities are prohibitively expensive. Not all kids need to be helicoptered throughout the whole summer holiday. But let's be honest about this. The kid who is left to be "bored" isn't turning himself into the next Picasso or Mary Berry. He or she is playing on Roblox (if you're lucky).

There's a happy medium here. Back to back scheduling from here to kingdom come takes away most of a kid's resources and isn't ideal or affordable. But equally, leaving them to fester on the iPad for six weeks isn't turning them into a creative genius.

I'd rather my kid be over-scheduled than left to rot in their bedroom while I tell myself he or she is learning through "creative play".

I am the same!

I read to my boys till they were 13 😂 and started when they were born.
Only because I was determined they would meet all the best books and knew they would never read Lord of the Rings for themselves.
They were surrounded by books from birth and both Dad and I set an example of reading ourselves.. both went on to get firsts at University. Reading and talking to your children are the most important things you can do. And that quiet bedtime story is a chance for them to offload if they're holding some worry in.
I always remember my children in buggies facing me so I talked to them about everything we saw , as did my mum in the fifties. It always makes me think that children facing outwards - yes, see a lot but they don't develop the language to describe it or develop understanding of what any of those things are.

I like staying at home on my own, but my son and daughter need to run around lots and become very grumpy if they just stay at home. They tend to end up on their screens after a while, and I take them out because it's good for all of us.
As you said,OP, there are so many free things to do with children in the summer. I don't understand why either.

Because some kids don't want to go out everyday. Some folk are homely, would rather be at home than out. When my two were little we'd take them out, but they got opinions around the age of 10. I have one homely one who takes after me and one with itchy feet who takes after my partner. We have to find a balance. Around the age of 10, the homely one started getting moany when we were out.

Don't assume it's the parents that don't want to be out!

I have a friend who has anxiety and barely leaves the house with her 3 year old. No soft play, no toddler groups, no trips to the park, etc she says she can’t manage it due to panic attacks.

Where I am the opposite, I need to get out of the house and occupy my mind otherwise my anxiety is a million times worse if I’m left with my own thoughts all day.

It's not about individual people who can't take their kids out for whatever reason but I have noticed it this holiday for sure. There are 2 primary schools in our town, hundreds of kids yet the playgrounds are empty, the library is dead, even the swimming pool is never that busy! Where are all the kids?! These places don't cost money, you don't need to drive as our town is walkable. We live on the coast, surround by forests, also largely empty. There's no need to spend money but kids need to get out. We both work but with leave have managed to get our every day, and we haven't gone broke yet! I can't understand it at all.

@PeepDeBeaul

Around the age of 10, the homely one started getting moany when we were out.

So you force them. A child can't be allowed to dictate to its parents that everyone should stay in the house.

Children have to learn that a life vegetating and not doing much is not a good life. Sorry: it's up to us as parents to enforce it.

I think people are vastly overestimating the appeal of repeated visits to local parks to 10 year olds tbh.

Our local park has fallen into a sad state of disrepair since covid, despite promised to refurbish all playparks. Nobody is there because there's only one piece of equipment that is intact. Really sad as it's a very decent park and pre-covid it was always really busy.

Our library was refurbished but all the promised events and groups have never materialised and again, I'm not sure how much appeal repeated visits to a tiny kids section with a small selection of book and a computer holds.

Yeah of course 10 year olds aren't going to want to go back to the park all the time. You really have to force it a bit.

I remember during lockdown literally bribing my daughter to go on little walks with me to instil a sense of the importance of getting out. She's 14 now and she gets the importance of it.

It's your job as the parent to do it. Of course they're going to push back. It's up to you to make it happen.

Probably with their heads in phones/ipads. Parents and kids! A lot can’t seem to cope without them even when they go out for dinner.

That's incredibly sad for both of them but especially the child. I really hope your friend seeks help or that other family or friends will take the child for her.