Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

To repeat others, just go! If you hang around you'll get more and more resentful, the kids will pick up on it, and you'll all have a tense and unpleasant drive together later. You really don't need as much stuff as you think you do. Get out of the house, have a nice day with the children and leave him to stew in his own filth.

You should have bagged his soiled clothes up in a bin liner and let him deal with them in the morning. Sorry he's ruined the start of the trio, OP. Make the morning special for you and your somehow still even if it's a lunch treat out somewhere etc whilst he gets himself in gear.

How is 'no insurance' an excuse?

And he's in no fit state to speak to the insurance company

I also don't know why people on MN are so quick to encourage new/nervous drivers onto the roads

Depends on what he was drinking and how much. Some alcoholic drinks have a laxative effect - my DH doesn’t drink bitter because he knows after a couple of pints he will inevitably get the runs. If OP’s husband has drunk himself insensible on high carb, high sugar content alcohol, and especially on an empty stomach, it would likely have gone through him like the proverbial shit through a goose. And on an empty stomach just the amount drunk to get into that state would likely have irritated the lining of his stomach, with no food to absorb any of it.

Maybe rethink what you need to take, obviously if there are medical issues requiring equipment that can't be left behind but you won't have him in the car and if you cut down you can probably do it. When my eldest two were little we didn't have a car but could go on a caravan holiday for a fortnight with what we could carry on the train.

If the real issue is that you are an inexperienced driver and nervous of the drive I do understand that.

This would disgust me and make me reconsider who I’m married to .
You sound too reliant on him - get some independence- you may need it . Pack up your car with the kids and go and have a nice time away from this selfish man .

Because she has her own car that she can use.

I'd also pack my tiny car with as much as possible and get on the road. You can get a surprising amount in if you pack clothes into squishy shopping bags instead of suit cases and use the footwells (including under DCs feet). On one trip, we were so packed up that DCs needed to have their pillows on their laps, but it was fine.
If it wasn't for him needing to be awake and sober to make the call to add you to the insurance, I agree with PPs that this otherwise could be just the little push you need to try driving the bigger car. It will always feel like a big step up, but I'm sure you'd be fine.

Leave him a note reminding him he'll need to hang up the clothes that you kindly washed for him and run a very hot maintenance wash on the machine before he leaves to join you. Really he should be packing up his car with the remaining stuff, but I'd do this if I wasn't convinced he'd remember everything for DCs' sake. I would be trying to get out of the house as quietly as possible too, as I think it will be more sobering for him to wake to a silent house and the dawning realisation that you've gone without him.

For me, he would need to step up once he joins you to take on the lion's share of the childcare to make it up.

Can u get a train? or a lift from friends /family ? Or just take kiddies /change clothes and sleep in a t shirt or top u were wearing .just go in your car.If not comfortable driving long distance. maybe just get a Travelodge for 1 night and meet up tomorrow when hes sobered up.Future reference : on future trips .Do not allow him out anywhere near a holiday /birthday party etc .My own DH came home slaughtered when he was younger .Never again! fast forward 20 years ,and hes banned from any outings the week before my DD gets married in our local village church!

Christ I would be gutted to be married to such a poor specimen of a man. Truly.

I have done a trip for a week with 3 people in the car, all our luggage and shopping for 9 people for several days in a Toyota Yaris, so I really do reckon you can probably fit the 3 of you in a small car - leave him at home?

This is either rage bait or OP is a total wet lettuce. How much bigger is a bigger car ffs, unless you drive a 2 seater or a Smart car? I’d stop making excuses and leave him to it.

I’ve been in some states and NEVER shat myself. That’s repulsive 🤢

Exactly this

Take the bare basics. Pack an overnight bag for each of the kids. Leave the rest of the stuff with a note telling him you'll see him there when he finally sobers up. Go and have fun with the kids. If you stay and wait they'll feel the tension. Just turn it around and tell them that you are so excited that you can't wait any more and are going to have an adventure in mummy's car. Who is going to pick the tunes? who is going to choose some service station snacks? As someone who had to tread on eggshells around their parents take DP out of the equation for now.

I imagine he will turn up with his tail between his legs this evening. At this point he'll be sober and you'll be able to discuss it with him better. His behavior is appalling but it isn't yours or the kids fault so switch your mindset for now. Have a great holiday.

You mostly sound like you’re afraid you’re not capable. You are.

Streamline your essentials and take the smaller car. Yes, you can. It can be that simple. You shouldn’t have washed his clothes - waking up to an empty house covered in shit might have been good for the little fucker.

Think long and hard about what you want out of life. I doubt it’s this.

(And I used to work with alcoholics in a clinic and yeah they can shit themselves it doesn’t have to be class As. Not saying he’s an alcoholic but it’s not that extreme a reaction with alcohol abuse, even for one night, depends on the drink. It’s literally a poison idk what people expect!)

We used to get all our camp equipment in mine pre kids, 6 man tent and all the stuff. Used to love playing car Tetris.

That doesn't mean she's comfortable driving the distance on unfamiliar roads with just her children in the car.

Op says both kids are under 4.

If she goes alone, then she will be in sole charge of them in an unfamiliar place - which will be hard work. Really hard work - I would go so far as to say it’s not even a holiday with such small kids, it’s just carrying on your usual hard work without your home facilities and without any input from drunk husband. Drunk husband hits the jackpot as he’ll get 3 days relaxing at home childfree.

I don’t think people have thought this through when they are telling op to go alone.

I would squeeze the kids into the little car and go.

When I was a kid, four of us went on a two week holiday in my Dad’s old Mini Club. Took us about seven hours to get there. It can be done!

Yes, l have. And nothing in OP’s posts suggest he has so much of a drinking problem that she needs to do the things that partners of alcohol dependent people find themselves doing to preserve the status quo - which l agree is enabling.

Her DH went out and made a conscious decision to drink on an empty stomach, with the inevitable end result. OP did what she needed to do to get him home safe and clean him up, given that she has children to think about. That's not enabling - that’s dealing with what’s in front of you at the time.

OP is not responsible for his decision to drink to excess. She says he’s always had it in him to go too far with alcohol but that doesn’t indicate the extent of the problem -only OP knows that and it does not-one any good to assume that he has an out of control drinking habit and she’s the enabler.

Is this usual behaviour for him?

If not, and it's just a one off then I'd put it down to him being a bit of an idiot and getting carried away. The fact it was planned weeks in advance suggests he doesn't go out drinking very often?

If that's the case then get him up and take the kids to the park or a cafe while he fixes himself up and packs the car. Make sure he knows that he has spoilt plans for today but then move on.

If it is a regular thing, then I would be more inclined to either go without him or, if you can't do the drive, then take the train with your DC for a different day or weekend away.

Don’t just tell me, there’s loads of posters saying the same thing. She needs to woman up, get in the car and take the kids out, stop depending on her dh so much, show him and herself that she is very capable!

I don't even know how to respond to this. There is so much wrong here and you don't even seem that mad with his behaviour?

Definitely don’t leave him to enjoy a weekend recovering in peace while you do all the parenting for 2 under 4s. Either pack him into your tiny car (feel free to drive very jerkily) and get on with it, taking yourself off somewhere lovely tomorrow leaving him with your DC or stay at home and don’t give him a moment’s rest. Or comfort.

Also; Gross. I have never ever been in a relationship with someone who would drink so much they lose control of their bowels. Do you have to be? It’s not normal.

she's a new driver. She doesn't want to drive, which is understandable. That will just put more pressure on her and given the state she's in that won't be good

The day is written off holiday-wise. He is in no fit state to take you. As others have suggested have a nice day with the kids and go tomorrow. He's got a lot of making up to do - to you and the children.