Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

I agree. We each have a finite capacity of energy, time, headspace and emotion - and this is arguably the most stretched with two toddlers under 4 years old. The focus here is to provide a secure emotional foundation at this critical developmental stage - requires 2 parents pulling together focusing their finite resources on this goal. When one parent is not contributing or totally disrupting the family unit - it is on the other to do everything to ensure that the DCs emotional development is prioritised as front and centre in the chaos - doubling their stress, responsibility and workload. This does not involve IMHO frittering their now halved capacity being focused instead on the adult making shocking choices which will impact the childhood and long term MH risks of the DCs.

Cocaine use and heroin withdrawal can cause fecal incontinence, as can sustained heavy alcohol use.

I certainly recall people getting the "cocaine shits" from my misspent youth. I hope it's not that in this case, that would add a whole new dimension to OP's partner's utter irresponsibility.

How are you OP?

I do hope his parents and you are standing shoulder to shoulder on this as a united front.

Hope you get away ok, OP. What a bellend.

He is disgusting 🤢
Do you feel confident enough as a fairly new driver to go the distance to your holiday accommodation?
If so , then rearrange your luggage and take fewer items , go without him and he can join you tomorrow.
If you don’t feel confident then take your children out somewhere nice today and head off tomorrow to your holiday destination.
He can sort his own laundry 🧺 out 🤢

He has been very selfish. And he must be hungover. I'd let the kids play as noisily as possible next to him today.

I didn't know that. Sounds like it's possible he did drugs too.
Come back OP and let us know what happened.
I remember my ex husband used to get so drunk he'd come to bed and vomit on me or just end up in such a state he'd collapse wherever he was outside and find himself waking up wherever the next day. I lost a lot of friends becsuse of him.
That's why he's my ex. It's no way to live tbh. I hope he doesn't make a habit of this.

I could forgive this of my 20 yo son, it’s the kind of stupid thing youngsters do growing up. But it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner behaved in such a way.

I really think you need to have a conversation with him about his relationship with alcohol. There’s clearly an issue which he needs to recognise and address. If he’s not willing to accept that his behaviour was absolutely disgusting, then I’d be making arrangements to separate.

He shouldn't have gone out the night before you were going away

He shouldn't have vomited and crapped on himself. He should have washed his own clothes.

He should now be apologising to you and doing everything he can to make it right, and also, to swear it will never happen again.

He has massively let you and the DC down.

Go away without him and have a lovely time. Let him stay home with a hangover n think about his selfishness. I wouldn’t of gone to pick him up either. I would of wither pretended I’d gone to sleep as hadn’t heard from him all evening. I would of said to the friend that called, I can’t leave the kids so…..YOU need to figure it out. Absolute man child that he is. Friends are no better expecting you to run round after him.

We didn’t go away yesterday, my husband couldn’t be far from the bathroom (sorry if TMI - issues at both ends). He is convinced something untoward happened such as spiking as his friends had similar volumes to drink and were all fine.

The plan was to travel this morning, but that hasn’t been possible yet as he’s still feeling unwell. He has tried to persuade me to go by myself and he said he will join at some point if he feels better.

My mum kindly said she would pay for an extra night so our children don’t miss out.

So, no idea at this point if we will get away.

OP…why are you not willing to go without him?! You’re sacrificing your holiday and your kids holiday !!

Put your kids first and go without him. This is why men get away with everything, the bar is set so low.

As a pp said up thread - maybe she doesn’t want to look after the children by herself while poor sick hubby gets the weekend to himself.

How old are the kids? If school age you can manage by yourself, work on your independence- sounds like you’ll need it with a husband like yours.

OP I get the driving thing, I learnt later in life too and it took me a while to build my confidence up. Is there anything that would make you feel more comfortable driving in your little car eg stopping halfway, using googlemaps as a talking satnav, looking at the route before hand (or any junctions, trickier bits through towns) on googlemaps? Or is there somewhere else closer that you'd feel comfortable driving too where you could have a fun day out with the little ones, or even stay overnight?

Just go! Seriously, go.

@Breezeopal honestly tell him to put a nappy on and get in the bloody car and take you and the kids on holiday.

If he need to be sick he can pull over and be sick . He needs to be un comfortable at his expense not his families .
I agree with the drugs theory.
I also wouldn’t stay with someone who shit himself . Also ruined a family holiday . He’s very selfish .

Have you had words with him or tip toeing around him .

Do you really think it's likely he was spiked?..

It's like you've got the blinkers on op.

You'd literally choose to believe anything he says. Oh I bet he was happy for you to go ahead without him.

At this point op, if he ends up in this scenario again with you cleaning his sick and shit you have no sympathy from a lot of people.

This is going to sound really harsh but I say it for the sake of your children and yours - to hopefully shake you into realising you need to develop more resilience and independence. In summary, you need to get a grip! Your husband let the kids down dreadfully but now you have too. Get in the car and stop faffing around. If you really can't then seek help, get some more driving lessons or therapy and make sure you have the strength and all the tools to never allow your kids to be in this position again.

Pack less belongings and take them on your own. It’s unfair that you and your kids are missing out.

Because she needs a man to survive even if its one that shits himself! Cant possibly survive without a man, oh poor him he was spiked(not) poor me i cant go on holiday, not poor kids tho!

OP you’re getting grief here now, but it’s really no surprise. Your so called partner has behaved despicably. I’ve heard some things in my time but a grown man shitting himself in a car is really something!

He is NOT unwell. There is no excuse.

Unlikely he was spiked - come on now/

You MUST put your actual real children before this man child. You’ve come on here presumably for support - now listen to it.

Your break and that of your children has been ruined needlessly and in the grossest way possible. You’ve enabled this. Do you know what enabling means?

If you continue like this, expect to be disappointed for many years. Expect to clean up literal and figurative shit for years.

I’d leave you to it but I, and most people here, wish you a better life. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your poor children.

They deserve better.

So many red flags @Breezeopal

ok, you’re not an experienced driver. But I hope DP saying you won’t manage his car is due to inexperience and not chauvinism. Also, I don’t believe the spiked drinks stuff - anyone who goes to a beer festival (especially if cider is available) knows there can be some real gut rot ones there! He just needed to be responsible and take it easy. He knew you had plans. It seems like maybe he didn’t want to go away and almost sabotaged things, probably not consciously but - all the same. And, you aren’t his Mum - I’d have just dumped his stuff in a bin bag tied up outside and let him deal with the stinking mess when sober. But that’s just me. He is meant to be a parent.