Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

Ignore any advice which says “I wouldn’t start from here”. He did this ridiculously selfish thing. You did pick him up. There will be a reason why. What comes next? As I said above. Consider mercy. Though raising a husband is much like raising a child. Set boundaries and then stick to them. Good luck.

Raising a husband? Does this mean I can neglect my duty of raising my child and leave it to their spouse?
Consider mercy? Is she Jesus or his choicest soldier?
She cannot set boundaries for someone who has none. This is notbhos first rodeo and he's now so deep in the throes of alcoholism, he can no longer control his constitution - top or bottom.
Consider mercy for women and stop encouraging them to be martyrs.

Cocaine use and heroin withdrawal can cause fecal incontinence, as can sustained heavy alcohol use.
I hope you're taking the children away for a nice time and I hope you're not scared of his reaction. Most of us can always pack less. Unless yours is a sports car you will have enough room to pack stuff for a weekend.

The first issue for me is the dh choosing to go boozing, ignoring his phone, instead of home to his wife amd kids to get ready for the weekend.

He choose to go out with his mates. He should have gone straight home. To get packed, help with dc, enjoy family life. Sober. He is unreliable, and an alcoholic. He needs to get himself help. Not have you enabling, bad pint my arse.

Op, this os terrible for your dc to see this pattern and to be let down. And you, but you are an adult and can chose your life style.

Me - I would go. A train journey or ride in the car to a nice b&b or hotel, or a cheap week in a caravan - you dont need much! and I would enjoy a little break with the dc. It will harden your resolve for what you need to face up to. and stop you normalising.

Fwiw, if you were my dd, I'd explain to my friends, and be there for you. Is your dm able to take in you and the gc? I wouldn't have picked him up BTW. Mates? Fellow alcoholics too.

No, divorce because he's an adult man with responsibilities who has zero self-control and doesn't care enough about his family to find his self-control. His children were looking forward to a holiday and now they can't go because their father doesn't know his own limits and managing to drink until he vomited on himself and shat himself. His behaviour is vile and so, so embarrassing. I couldn't find a man like this attractive ever again so divorce would be inevitable if it were me (I'm not saying that the OP should divorce - rather explaining how someone can come to the conclusion). I couldn't stand seeing my kids let down by someone so selfish and I'd shudder at the thought of the kids telling everyone at school that they couldn't go on holiday because Daddy drank himself into the ground.

I appreciate that not everyone feels like this but if you've experienced this growing up then you know how awful it can be.

Christ, this is one of the most pathetic things I have ever read, your filthy pig of a husband SHIT HIMSELF and VOMITED ON HIMSELF and you're letting him have a nice sleep in. Will you cook him a lovely greasy lunch too before you soothe his sweaty brow? Hold his hair back while he vomits on the living room floor?

The first time he showed he was a drunk was the time to set hard boundaries, the second was time to leave, he's a disgusting disgrace, and you are his enabler. You don't have the right to do that to your children.

As for being lovely and compassionate, as one commenter claimed - you're not lovely and compassionate to your kids are you? You've chosen to let their father wreck their lovely fun weekend. They're toddlers, by the time they are teenagers they are going to hate your guts. They will hate him too, of course, which is very normal when kids grow up with selfish and in this case completely filthy and disgusting addicts.

If you got falling down drunk, shit yourself and vomited on yourself everyone would rightfully condemn you.

Over and over again kids whose mothers chose to subject them to this sort of addict say they hate her just as much as they hate him. He knows better and is choosing to be a disgusting addict. You know better and are choosing to let him do whatever he wants. You get to be all alone in your declining years, because your drunk of a husband will have done something, finally, that you cannot stand, but your kids won't want a bar of you. Let's see your mumsnet post then.

The only people who don't feel exactly as you do are alcoholics themselves, living with alcoholics and trying to make excuses, or those who are just clueless and should not be trying to give advice at all.

M dad too was a selfish drunk. Tell you something though, he never actually shat himself, and neither did any of the men he hung around with - all of them hard drinking Scottish working class men. Vomiting on yourself is bad enough - but shitting yourself? That's a whole new level of pig.

Divorce because, instead of showing any thought or consideration to his family, he got so drunk he shat himself in our car? Sounds fair to me.

Give him peace? How lame.

Op. I have one question for you.

If this was the other way around and you had got so drunk you puked over yourself, shat your self and then let the whole family down because the PLANNED trip couldn't go ahead without you.

Do your think your husband would take this kids out to give you a bit of peace?

You are on the receiving end of this behaviour because you accept it. This isn't about going or not going, it's much bigger. It's about mutual respect and self respect - both of which appear to be missing.

How are you and the kids today @Breezeopal ?

So what? Just go. If he's sorry for what he's done, he'll find a way a to join you by other means.

Edit: sorry, misread your post and saw that you can't drive it. Can you get there another way?

Could you go with your mum?

I’d leave him and go with the kids. One less kid to take care of! He doesn’t sound very responsible, I feel for you!

No, because he let the whole family down and he got so pissed he vomited and shat himself. I couldn’t respect my husband if he did that. Maybe it’s different in your household but in mine it’s not acceptable behaviour!

Pack light, go in your car.
Is there some back story to his behaviour that we're missing?

I think one of the biggest issues here is whether you can still fancy him after seeing - and smelling - him shit himself. Or whether it’s give you the ick? @Breezeopal

No he is making excuses and you are now colluding with him. Did everyone else at the beerfest vomit and shit themselves too?

He is a binge drinker with no off button - you can call it 'problematic drinking' or you can call him an alcoholic - which word you choose doesnt matter. Al Alon define an alcoholic as someone whos drinking impacts the relationships of those around them - not what was drunk, how much, when or how.

Your DH's drinking has impacted his DCs, his wife, his MiL, his friends - service workers (taxi driver) etc.

Al Anon would also define your actions/behaviour (as well as his friends and your MIL) as inadvertently enabling. You all rescued him, cleaned him up - when he should have walked home, shat himself and not been allowed in the house so that he could wake up in the cold light of day literally in his own shit, piss and vomit with his wife and DCs fucked off on holiday in order for him to suffer the consquences of his choices and recognise the impact he has on the loved ones around him. Your embarassment with your DM will also make this situation worse as you will be covering up for him (like you even did in this post re the empty stomach excuse - he's not 12 - he knows the physiology of drinking).

I would be honest with yourself and decide what your boundaries, deadlines and consequences are - otherwise your little family will have a miserable childhood.

Anyone else want to know what happened? Are you still going on holiday @Breezeopal?

So he can have some peace???!! Are you insane!? Peace is the last thing he deserves. Are you always a doormat?

@Breezeopal how's it going?

Yes!

Waiting patiently for an update. Did they go? I feel invested in this and want to know if they still went on holiday or not?

This is exactly it. We dont know however if this was the first time though - we know that it was the worst he has been. So in my mind he's deteriorating - drinking/bingeing more. Having been in same situation as you - I agree that the anger I feel with myself for not having boundaries and getting out sooner for my DCs is the worst at this end of it. Mine did actually turn it around when our relationship ended when the DCs were teenagers - but I have to live with the guilt that I facilitated a dreadful childhood for them and role-modeled a grim relationship - due to my shame and codependency shouting and crying trying to make him see sense. Should have kept my composure, focused on the experience of my DCs, saved my breath and used my actions much sooner. Dont be me.

Agree. The MIL had to be dragged out of bed to look after her grandchildren - so that his wife could drive out to pick up a vomit covered drunk late at night who then prompty shat himself on the seat - leaving her with the clear-up of this grossness in front of her mother and wrecked their holiday wit their little DCs.

What did you decide op?