Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

I hope you didn’t go without him! Why should he get to recover in peace! Absolutely not!!! How embarrassing to shit yourself!!! Why the fuck are women even putting up with this

Makes no sense. An independent woman would’ve gone without him, not sat at home seething.

And 2 hours driving in ‘unknown’ roads? You’d never go anywhere …ever

I wouldn’t satisfy him to go and bring the children and let him recover in peace! I’d stay at home (popping out to shops and leaving him to mind the kids several times) and make him suffer.
But that’s me.

Sadly OP has become one of those women who has become comfortable with her partner doing the bulk of the 'heavy driving', with the larger car, being the one who drives on holiday or days out etc, as now there is a crisis cannot bring herself to drive a more challenging route. It is a lesson to everyone. I would think nothing of driving 3 hours, even 5, but I know many like OP who would hate this.

Sorry OP - he is a disgusting and very selfish man. I hope you got to have a nice day with your kids.

How gross behaving like that yet knowing you're going on holiday and he's driving.

So sad that you are dependent on him. You need to get that sorted, take extra lessons to build your confidence then fuck him and his nasty behaviour.

I personally could not be with someone who cares do little for me or his kids.

I’d have hired a bigger car and gone without him. On principle

A couple hours or 3 hours is not a problem…I do that each way for lunch with my mother.
kids? Pee and snack stops . so it becomes 4 hours..big deal Kids won’t care. Women really have to stop depending on a man just because he’s there. Grow a spine. Women fought for equality..unreasonably in some cases IMO but not for this

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn is there any need for you to be such a self satisfied, condescending, nasty person. The OP asked for advice - not to be pummelled into the ground with various smug comments and insults. She may not be a confident person for reasons unknown to you or me or anyone else on here - it does not mean she is a doormat. She probably picked him up as she could not leave him on his own when all his friends were obviously not going to take him and she was expecting to go on holiday the next day so needed him at home. Yes we know that he would not have been in a fit state to drive today but the OP clearly wasn't going through all of this in her mind at the time she was asked to pick him up by his friends. I have driven for years but don't enjoy it - never have but needed to for work - my former partner always drove me about as he liked driving. I would not like to drive with 2 small children in the car on A roads/motorways as there are too many reckless drivers some still under the influence from the day/night before and too many roadworks for it not to be stressful when you already have the situation with the DH and his antics going through your mind. The way you and a few others have belittled her is just so nasty, unnecessary and actually a disgrace - just what she needs. You may not have noticed that she has not mentioned a sister, cousin, relative or friend who could give her a lift, go with her - could be that she doesn't have any nearby - none of us know what her circumstances are so should not be judging by what we would do. I have a terrible temper and would probably have lamped him and put hiim on his back, but I certainly would not encourage OP to do as I would do.

Well I think op would like a nice weekend away with her kids rather than using them as some sort of punishment.

I agree with this. I don’t believe the beer excuse and would be concerned about the possibility of drug use.
And, OP, why on earth should you go out to spare him ‘the usual chaos’ ?! Why should you have to take two small children out of the house on your own to ensure he has ‘peace and quiet’? I’m not normally one to agree with the ‘LTB’ thing, but it does seem you are making far too many concessions here. The least he should face is a morning of ‘chaos’ with a major hangover. I also would have put his clothes in the bin, or at least have him wash them, not you.
Also…he didn’t reply to your texts asking where he was? Incredibly selfish behaviour.

For future reference (& apologies if someone else has suggested it), you can be covered on another car for limited time. My son has done it a couple of times to drive my car when he’s borrowed in. My insurance won’t add him to my policy as he’s too young.

Use the anger to fuel your determination to get over your fear of a larger car. If this idiot can drive it, there's no reason you can't. How is he more able than you? He can't even hold his poo in 😂

See, the only time I heard of this happening to a friend of mine was after a drink was spiked (turned out a few people were got, police informed).
Agree how disgusting it is, but if it is the first time, I would be concerned, If it's a pattern of a grown adult acting like a 90s teenager, that person needs help, and needs to see a GP.
If it's a one-off, I'd still go on the holiday. If my partner regularly got drunk to the point they couldn't answer their phone/control their body, I'd say that they'd need to get help and get sorted if they were going to be able to act as a parent.

that is a very good point!

Nope he is a disgusting, selfish pig and I would have made him undress outside and put his shitty clothes in the bin. No way I would’ve pandering to his needs if my husband behaved like this. I also no way would be letting him lay in and have some peace and quiet. He hasn’t just fucked up and made a twat of himself he has let you all down. I would either not go away or go o my own with the kids or just go anywhere else. Wouldn’t want to spend the weekend with him after behaviour like that.

Whatever you decided to do about the holiday OP (and on reflection it probably wouldn't be very pleasant inside your own car after what he did in it)...

Well done for learning to drive.

The fact you did that so recently suggests you're realising you've got to get more confident and less dependant on him. Being able to drive yourself and the children in your own small car is a great personal step.

But from what you've said I think your confidence still needs nurturing and building. Saying you aren't confident in a bigger car, rejecting a possibly three hour journey, strange roads - all read like self- sabotage. And the fact he hasn't insured you for it is interesting. Keeping you from getting too independent?

When the dust has settled, I'd suggest an advanced driving course to build skills and as much practice in your car as possible, and demand he insure the big car for you and start practicing in it. Start to do long drives and unfamiliar roads. Beat those three self-blocking thoughts. Regular and frequent practice doing the thing you avoid is the one sure way to get better and happier at doing it.

Because what if one day you NEED to drive the big car - yours is out of order, there's an emergency etc - or to go a long way, on unfamiliar roads? Things do happen - and it's wise to be prepared.

And he will of course be paying for your car to be cleaned.

And while you're at it, include getting insured for his car as part of his apology.

Finally stop thinking in terms of sparing him the usual chaos - he's part of the cause of the chaos.

https://www.bsm.co.uk/advanced-driving-courses

Terrible behaviour for sure and selfish. Consider mercy. There may be a logical reason he cut loose in this way. I like the proposed idea of you heading off anyway and letting him follow you but give him a chance to explain when he gets there.

I would have considered taking a train with easentials and asking him to drive to you later with all the luggage when he feels ready. I would worry about being in the car with a hungover driver. I doubt that amount of alcohol (and perhaps something else) can fully clear with just sleeping until the afternoon. I would have started our holiday as planned, I would have kept the kids oblivious to what was happening and why we weren't going yet, and I would have left him deal with his own mess.

I hope you are well. Whatever you decided to do, it has already happened as it's past midnight and you were hoping to leave in the morning 😔

It’s easy to tell people to throw a grenade into their relationship when typing online. But years together and children together means understanding why this happened is important before you act and react. If there is no good reason why then it is a strike for sure? Decide how many strikes you are prepared to suffer.

Really? 🙄

Family time is precious in the summer holidays. Most parents share the holiday allowance and spread the care and so seldom have it all together as a family. A seemingly lovely mum felt that pain and shared it her tonight and some idiot decided she should give up her drivers license as punishment. Oy vez.

OP said she does not feel comfortable - she did not say it is impossible for her to drive anywhere. Stop projecting such negativity with this and your other comments, it is almost like you have an issue with her. Please be kind.

I don’t think you should have picked him up (it was his responsibility). But it’s done now. Has he done this sort of thing before?

I wouldn’t have picked him up in that state but as things are if I were you I’d have packed a few day trip essentials and jumped on a train somewhere fun for the kids for the day.

To add, I was a bit of a wild child many moons ago (don’t judge) and did all sorts of recreational japes with all manner of folk. I never once knew anyone to get that wasted they crapped themselves.

You could tell him he needs to book and pay for another weekend and not go out the night before. He needs to compensate you many times due to his appalling behaviour.

Focus on outcomes. What do you want to achieve? Fun for your children in their summer holidays. I love the advice above to pack his car with holiday gear then set off in yours with bambino’s and a couple of days worth of adventure. That sounds like a fun adventure to me.