Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

I would have gone on my own with the kids. I know you said you would have to use small car. With one less adult (and not his stuff) you could have managed. Only need clothes and toiletries you could buy there. I appreciate you aren’t used to driving long distances but you could have set off early and beat the traffic and as others have said you don’t get comfortable outside of your comfort zone without flinging yourself into that position as scary as it is. Sorry but you’ve chickened out and therefore let him won at being an arse.

Just drive yourself and the kids in your car.

He’ll still be over the limit and will be unsafe to drive.

Just go on your own OP. Managing the drive on your own and the kids on your own will give you a big confidence boost, which you are eventually going to need when you wise up and kick his alco arse out.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but the weekend away is the least of your worries.

You're married to a man who is a problem drinker, if not a full scale alcoholic, and one who has no respect for you or your children. He either did this on purpose to sabotage the weekend or he had no self-control and couldn't stop himself. In either case he's a disaster zone. Drinking yourself to the point where you vomit and shit yourself in the space of a few hours is off the scale bad. It's not just "having a few drinks", it's deliberate self-destruction. My dad was an alcoholic and I was married to one and never did either of them shit themselves.

If you stay with him he will continue to drink like this, continue to sabotage family time in whatever way he can and continue to leave you picking up the pieces and enabling him.

You will spend your children's childhood shielding them from this appalling behaviour and they will lose respect for both of you.

You need to leave him, for your children, if not yourself. Get through the weekend as best you can and then start working out an escape plan.

I think people are forgetting that her DH will have married the OP precisely because she is the type to meekly inconvenience herself, their DCs and others (her poor Mum) in order to not inconvenience her DH.

She meekly rolled out of bed to be his taxi. Meekly cleaned him all up. Meekly washed his clothes. And has now meekly taken their DCs out so her DH can rest in peace and get himself together, in his own good time.

It's absolutely no coincidence, either, that the OP has only recently learned to drive and is (surprise surprise) a nervous, timid driver.

Her DH knows exactly who he is married to. He knows there will be exactly zero consequences for his vile behaviour. If the OP was the feisty type, who stood her ground and had boundaries, he simply wouldn't have married her.

No doubt, versions of this horrible incident will have happened before and will continue to happen again and again for the next 50 years.

But it's unfair to criticise the OP for, what is, essentially just her natural personality. It's not wrong to be gentle and non confrontational, after all. It's just a tragedy that her DH happily abuses her for it, rather than cherishes her for it.

Consider if drugs were involved given the 💩

I do agree. However, he's not going to be in any fit state to drive today at all. He'll likely still be over the limit late afternoon but OP is insinuating that she'll wait to see if he's sobered up this afternoon before making a decision. I'm a nervous driver too but I'd sure as hell rather drive myself than risk my two little kids being in the car at any point today with their father behind the wheel if that's the state he was in.

Her DH knew he wouldn't be in a fit state to drive this morning if he had more than a couple. He just didn't care. OP can be as meek as she likes but at the point he starts willfully ruining their children's holiday is the point I'd be finding my anger on their behalf.

I agree with a PP that I suspect he was taking something stronger than alcohol if he shat himself. I mean that genuinely as the only people I ever know to have crapped their pants when drunk were also taking drugs. It's not normal, even when completely smashed.

Totally agree @Arraminta I know the type

diddums-he didnt eat and went ott

So, because your H can't control himself around alcohol, you have been subject to a disgusting experience, your mother had to get out of bed to help you, and your DC have lost part of their holiday and the peace and security of being taken away by two happy parents, as they were entitled to expect.
Not a single part of that is your fault. Yet you are the one trying to fix it and do damage limitation. You miss your morning, you take the DC out to 'give him peace' and you have no peace of mind or certainty about the rest of your weekend, whether he will recover sufficiently to make it work, how you can relate to each other positively, how you don't want to 'forgive and forget' but will feel trapped into it so as not to spoil the break entirely.
You're doing the best you can with what you've got OP. But think of the misery, stress and hard work it's caused you, and for your own sake, don't let this be the start of the pattern of your life.

If you don’t give him hell for this he’ll think he can get away with it again. Disgusting behaviour from a grown ass man and a father. Please don’t let him drive. He needs to make it up to you on a different weekend.

When you have 2 children under 4, you both have to be on form at all times.

The things that would annoy me most about this is:

1. the timing - going on holiday means extra pressures on the family so what you need is a step up in your functioning, not a step down.

2. not sticking to his word about when he'd be home.

3. the lack of replies to your texts on the night out.

Does he seem sorry at least? I'd drag him along on the holiday, and then take tomorrow morning to myself as compensation (maybe get him to take the kids out somewhere or something).

About the car...can you get insured on his? I know you don't feel comfortable driving it but you will get used to it so quickly. I had to drive a van not long after i'd passed my test and was so scared but it really was fine after a while. He can meet you in your car tomorrow.

He really won't be fit to drive today.

Cant you get insured on it?

There was no food available ?

He’s so naïve he didn’t know or check the ABV of the beers during a pub crawl or beer festival (which was it by the way) ?

He and you know he goes too far with drink ?

‘That’s the worst I’ve seen him’ so you’ve seen him incapable just not puking and shitting himself before and you think it’ll never happen again because this is the first time ?

He got carried away despite having commitments and dependants but his free and easy mates managed to keep the contents of their bodies under control despite being commitment free ?

Please raise your bar.
Please don’t allow him to drive today.

I’d have crammed the little car (use a phone sat nav if you don’t have another one) and taken a slow route with the children to go on the holiday and left his car keys, including the spares, with my Mum so he has to go and explain himself to her before getting in his car again.

I agree, the @Breezeopal comes across as meek, weak and vulnerable. She’s clearly not a strong woman and I can’t believe she called her mum so she could
collect her husband . The op then cleaned up his shit and sick and is not confident to drive his big car or manage a long journey.

Shes taken her kids out so her hubby can recover in peace, when she should have thrown a bucket of cold water over him.

Please do not let your kids get in a car with him today. He will not be safe to drive.

If you were my daughter - friends or no friends visiting - I would be seeing you today to check you are ok and have a serious conversation about your husband, the state of your marriage and your future.

If my DH had got like that he’d have slept on the pavement or walked home, instead of ringing me to pick him up because he knows the answer would be no. And my mother would have given him the dressing down of his life if she’d been dragged out of bed to babysit and he turned up covered in shit and vomit.

I don’t know why women put up with it. I didn’t stand for my kids coming home so drunk they were throwing up so I’m definitely not putting up with it from my husband. He’d be finding his backs packed this morning if he was mine. Filthy bastard.

Get your kids and go have a lovely time

with two young children I would not forgive this unless he bent over backwards to make amends . Disgusting, immature and selfish

More depressing shit. Don’t you think you deserve better? This is the example you set to your children?

You can’t drive the ‘big car”? What? Get insured on it and get driving. You’ll never gain any confidence if you don’t try.

Dont be a supporting character in your own life. Take some control, set some boundaries and don’t clean shit off your drunk husband. How utterly disgusting.

You washed his clothes? Good grief he’s got it easy with you

Everyone saying go without him, how is that fair on the OP?

Having to get everything ready to go on holiday with two small children, doing solo childcare for 3 days plus sorting everything out in a new place and kids being unsettled/excited at bedtime etc

While her husband sits at home all weekend in peace with no kids doing whatever he wants.

The wrong person is being punished in that scenario!

I'd take the kids and whatever luggage you can fit in the car, and go without him. It's not giving a good message that you will all patiently wait while he sobers up. Also he may not be in a fit state to drive later today even if he thinks he is.

Yes.
Neither myself or my husband drink and I cannot imagine how this father of a family decided to get to this stage. The fact he couldn't handle it is a different problem, that's why I don't drink anymore after 40.

Can you get a train to the location and he can drive later with the rest of your belongings?