Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

So he gets pissed, shits himself, gets his clothes washed & a nice lie in in peace!

I wonder if he'll be fit at all to go away?

Sorry OP you are getting a lot of angry on your behalf comments which probably feel like angry at you comments.
This was totally thoughtless and irresponsible of him, the excuse about alcohol percentages is pitiful and not credible. He lied. A teenager could do better. He is a father and let your children and you down by being selfish. He should not have been drinking as he did before transporting your family on holiday...that he got dangerously drunk is a big worry.
If his attitude isn't severely apologetic with plans to change you really need to think about things.

He is not going to be fit to drive today OP.

There is a calculator you can do online to calculate how many units he drank and how many hours until he would be under the limit/safe to drive. You start counting from when he stopped drinking, not when he started.

I understand your concern but could you not break the drive up and stop every hour? 2-3 hours is definitely do able and the kids will be safer with you driving than him by the sounds of it.

I’d be fuming, not only at the disgusting fact he was sick on himself and then shit himself, but that he has ruined your children’s weekend through drink.

Would you want to drive in a car with your kids that stinks of shit and vomit?
And OP can't drive the bigger car. So I agree with another poster take the kids somewhere close by and have a brilliant day having fun. Hopefully somewhere you can walk or take public transport. Tell DH you expect your car clean when you get home and for him to have packed everything and apologised to your mum.
Then go early tomorrow and tell him if he ever pulls a stunt like that again you'll be reconsidering your marriage.

The thought of someone shitting himself in my car 🤢🤢🤢🤢 …. and my mother knowing about it.

Ikr!

I would have been too embarrassed to involve my mum in the situation.

I'm guessing neither of his parents were available?

OP said "he’s always had it in him to go too far with drink".

She sounds well versed in making excuses for her slovenly drunk of a husband, at the expense of her poor children.

He won't be fit to drive until tomorrow. I dont think it's a good idea to get in a car with him as the driver.

Tell DH you expect your car clean when you get home and for him to have packed everything and apologised to your mum.

Can't see that happening somehow.

OP said "he’s always had it in him to go too far with drink".

Sadly I think when this sort of thing happens it's rarely a complete surprise.

My thoughts exactly. And I'd have kicked him out of the car the minute I realised he'd shat himself. The irresponsible, puking, shitting heap of a man child could have slept in a skip for all I'd care.

I've been in some shocking states in my younger days, when I was a party animal, but none of them ever included puking over myself, shitting my pants, or even pissing myself. At my worst, I only ever needed the occasional alfresco piss.

I might find this forgivable in a young teen who doesn't know any better, but not an adult who is also a father.

Use this as motivation you are perfectly capable of not getting drunk and letting your children down therefore you are capable of driving anywhere and in anything.

Being able to drive is freedom, the kids want to go to a zoo or the seaside you can take them.

Start small if you need to but build your confidence, get lost honestly I'm a very experienced driver and I occasionally make the wrong turn and do you know what nothing happens I'm just a bit late.

Long distance motorway driving is honestly so much easier than city driving.

Get yourself insured on your DH car and start using it. Stop letting someone else hold you back do you want your children to know that women are capable not a door mat

It’s not her fault. She makes excuses because that’s the only way she can cope with it. She is not to blame.

im sorry, new here, but too me this sounds like a rage post.
OP keeps giving excuses for husband’s behaviour. Sincerely hope you find the strength for your dc to grow one and put them first. They shouldn’t be punished for their father’s disgraceful behaviour, which seems like you’re ok with.

I wish everyone would stop telling OP to go by herself. She's not an idiot, it's not as though she thinks it's somehow illegal for only 3 people to go on a holiday booked for 4, she knows it's an option just clearly DOESN'T WANT TO. Which is fine.

Personally a few days away with 2 young kids on her own doesn't sound particularly fun or relaxing and it's actually a great deal for the DH - completely let off the hook of parenting, house to himself to laze around, order takeaway and come down off a hangover gradually. Meanwhile OP is exhausted after late night, repacking car, driving there, and being in sole care of excited kids.

You are making excuses for him

I would drive 2 hours for a break away. You can stop. You have google maps.

He can join you later.

You are making excuses…. why?

Id have left him there.

When you say you "can't" drive it, you don't actually mean that if you have a licence. Are you on the insurance?

I would SO take the big car anyway..

You are softer hearted than I am. I wouldn't even have gone to pick him up.

Even if you weren’t going away this would be horrific.

He’s an adult and he chose to do this. The lack of respect for you and your children is astounding.

He won’t be fit to drive today. And no way on earth would I give him a peaceful morning. In fact I would have left him in town last night.

Agree with others about the worrying relationship dynamic. You deserve better.

I would let him sleep because it's the main thing he needs to do to recover. But when he was awake and sober I'd be absolutely furious with him.

Claiming she is an petrified automaton with no agency would be ridiculous, of course.

Her "cope" is irrelevant. She doesn't get to be a cowardly doormat she has children who rely on her to protect them. Or, she can of course do that and they will blame her as much as they blame him once they are old enough to realise what she CHOSE to put them through.

She is CHOOSING to tolerate a filthy drunk. Which is fine, for herself. She does not get to CHOOSE that for her kids without being told she's a pathetic doormat who refuses to the the right thing.

If you don't think she has a choice, you are saying she's not an adult and not capable of making decisions. In which case, social services should intervene as there are no responsible adults caring for her children.

Even when I was partial to the old Peruvian marching powder and/or ecstacy, I never shat or pissed myself! And neither did any of my friends, male or female.

This is gross behaviour and he did it perfectly willingly knowing that you had a nice trip away planned. I’m sure he has all of the right excuses but only you know if you’re willing to let him off the hook. I’m not sure I’d be so forgiving as to take the kids out and let him “rest”. I’d have got him in the car (and driven, I might had as he’s clearly not in a fit state to drive) and let him crack on with it.

The appropriate response when the friend called would have been, “No, sorry, he got into this mess, he can get himself out of it.” A night on the street/in a park/in a police station might have done him some good, and you wouldn’t have to get your car valeted to get rid of the smell of shit.

With regards to the holiday, it seems like you’ve already decided what to do, but that’s almost beside the point now.

I grew up with an alcoholic father that did stuff like this, OP, and with a mum that tied herself in knots trying to still have lovely family memories together. I honestly can’t count the amount of times he got too drunk to drive somewhere that she was uncomfortable to drive to, but she felt she had no choice. She’d have a panic attack on the way, he’d then take over and drive at something like 20mph because he knew he was drunk, she’d get angry and switch back, etc. There was always this underlying seething anger and it was horrible as a child.

He needs to stop drinking, completely, full stop. Otherwise you do need to look at what your life is going to be like. Will you ever be able to trust that this won’t happen again?

Right. Shtting himself through drink is the lowest of the slow, really slovenly, manky old tramp in the street behaviour.

I’ve just started a thread over in Chat about my feelings on this. The problem with what you’re saying is that by leaving him, the children are LESS protected because he would presumably get some sort of custody. You’re welcome to comment on the thread I started and I’d love to discuss it there with you.