to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

With all due respect, your perception is skewed because you got your baby in the end.

Why is it skewed? I can well believe some women can bitchy about this. They probably don’t do it to men because they wouldn’t understand/care.

The men don't get pregnant though....so maybe them blanking you is because they can't cope with seeing you pregnant?

I don’t think it’s fair to say my perception is skewed just because I had a baby in the end. That suggests my feelings now are less valid or that I’ve forgotten everything I went through to get here.

There are lots of threads from women saying they lost friends after getting pregnant, especially when they had struggled together. I’m not imagining this and I’m not the only one.

It’s possible to feel empathy for those still trying while also feeling hurt and confused when friends disappear at the moment you thought they'd be happy for you.

Quite. I never got mine. I can’t say I ever took my pain out on others but I was lukewarm sometimes about pregnancies and having scan photos shoved in front of me.

I didn’t get pregnant on my own. My husband was just as much a part of it.

But none of the emotional fallout ever seems to land on the men. It's like the moment a woman shows a bump, she's the symbol of someone else’s pain, while the man who helped make that baby just fades into the background untouched.

I understand that seeing someone pregnant can be painful, but it still hurts that people I was close to could cut me off completely, as if I became the enemy for something we all wanted.

I was one of those women who waited for a baby for ten years. As you know it is irrational but I don't think they are mad at you personally. You being a woman is a reminder of what could have been for them. I think YABU because you've forgotten how it feels to be in that never ending waiting room waiting for your name to be called while every other woman's name has been called.
Infertility is something I'd never wish on my enemy. It's absolutely soul destroying.

Because the hurt of not being able to have a child can never ever be explained. The OP had something that some can never have and that's hope. Some of us can't have that because our bodies literally can't get pregnant. It's very easy for the OP to forget that as she had her baby - something people like me will never get. The pain is something that goes beyond pain that anyone can explain.

Why do you think men should be "held to account?" What have they got to account for?

Women suffering from infertility may feel resentful and jealous of someone who has successfully become pregnant because that woman has what they desperately want and may never have. They presumably wish to have the experience of being pregnant, of feeling a baby move inside their bodies, of giving birth. They want to be mothers, not fathers.

They are happy forgot. But they are enormously sad for themselves, and surely that is not unreasonable? It is possible to feel happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time.

Presumably it's directed at the women because pregnancy and giving birth is something that women do, not men. A woman who can't conceive is surely going to wish she were in the position of her pregnant friend, not her pregnant friend's male partner?

I have not forgotten what it feels like. I was in that waiting room for years too. I remember every painful cycle, every negative test, every moment of hope followed by crushing disappointment. Infertility is brutal. I would never wish it on anyone.

But it hurts to be told that my feelings now are less valid because I eventually had a baby. Getting pregnant does not erase what I went through. And it definitely does not mean I cannot feel hurt by how some people reacted.

What I find especially difficult is how it is always the woman who gets punished. My partner was just as involved in our fertility journey. He went through it all with me. But when I got pregnant, no one turned their backs on him. No one stopped talking to him. He was not a reminder of anything, apparently. It is always the woman who becomes the symbol of someone else's loss, and it is always the woman who pays the emotional price for it.

Infertility is soul destroying. But being emotionally abandoned by women who once understood your pain is its own kind of grief and men almost never have to deal with that part.

Well in the nicest possible way its YOU that is pregnant, not the man. It is YOU that will grow, nurture, bond and give birth to the child. NOT the man.

Its not just the process of getting pregnant as such, its the whole thing. You get to know what its like to be pregnant, to experience it, so its undoubtably going to be you that they are the envy of. You will get to do those things that they can't.

In their eyes, you are now not one of them anymore. I guess some people just find it too hard, or too difficult to now be friends with you because you have what they don't. Its a shame, especially if you were close. But such is life.

Did you make friends with them through infertility forums etc or are they long standing friendships where you just both happened to have fertility issues?

If the former I think you have to expect them to distance themselves. If the latter it's more complicated.

But none of the emotional fallout ever seems to land on the men. It's like the moment a woman shows a bump, she's the symbol of someone else’s pain, while the man who helped make that baby just fades into the background untouched.

But the man does not have the bump or any visible changes (well any changes) . He is also less likely to be 'bonding' with women who are struggling to conceive?

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Women carry so much of the emotional fallout in situations like this because its women who create the emotional fallout out.

I’m sure plenty of men feel secretly jealous of friends who become fathers while they are struggling themselves, but they aren’t the ones who need others to tiptoe around them when they’re struggling to conceive.

Women suffering from infertility may feel resentful and jealous of someone who has successfully become pregnant because that woman has what they desperately want and may never have.

The words “and may never have” are crucial here. People struggling with infertility are looking at the distinct possibility that they will never have children. Fertile people just don’t get this. They just the person will get pregnant eventually,everyone does, it’s just a matter of time etc etc.

For heaven’s sake, OP. You were together in a club for a painful reason. That was the reason for your camaraderie. Then your circumstances changed you left the club. The reason you were close evaporated. You’re now one of the people your past self and your fellow-infertility sufferers longed to be.

It would be like someone in a support group for people with a serious, life-limiting disease suddenly having a miraculous recovery, and wondering why the people whose life is still significantly impacted aren’t straightforwardly thrilled for them.

This. If your friend had got pregnant and you hadn't, you would not be direct in your feelings towards her husband.

You're all right, jack, you got what you wanted. How quickly you forgot what it felt like to be unable to have a child.

Sorry - there is a world of difference between experiencing infertility 'until your little miracle' happens and never having a child. You can empathise more, but not necessarily completely get it.

You're right it's not always aimed at men but they're not the ones carrying a child and thus providing a physical visual reminder. It's a one step removed situation.

I always found it a little easier (although still bloody tough in the first few years) to be positive and stay in touch with those good friends that conceived naturally rather than those that were infertile... until they weren't - probably a character failing in me but I couldn't help it.

Time has made it easier and evened up the playing field - but if you bonded over your collective lack of fertility, why would you expect them not to find it so bewilderingly painful, when you were able to step beyond those bounds?

I understand that it is me who is physically pregnant, but I did not create this child alone. My partner was part of every step. The pregnancy might be happening in my body, but it was our journey. Yet none of the emotional fallout ever lands on him.

It is always the woman who becomes the reminder, the one people cut off, avoid, or quietly resent. He gets to enjoy the same outcome: becoming a parent without losing friends or being made to feel like he crossed a line. That double standard hurts.

I also do not agree that "such is life" should excuse being dropped by people I supported and leaned on for years. I was one of them too. I sat in that same space of waiting and grief. I understand their pain. Empathy should go both ways.

It is possible to be devastated by your own loss without turning away from someone who has finally received the thing you both longed for. Grief does not have to come at the cost of kindness.

I knew these women before infertility. Our friendships were not built solely on shared struggle. We had full lives and full connections before fertility treatment ever entered the picture. Infertility deepened the bond, yes, but it did not define it. At least, I did not think it did—until I got pregnant and they disappeared.

I do understand there is a difference between someone who eventually has a child and someone who never does. I am not trying to claim the same experience. But it does not mean I suddenly stopped being able to empathise or remember what it felt like. I lived it for years. The pain does not vanish the moment the second line appears on a test.

What I struggle with is how quickly those friendships were abandoned, without a word. Not even an honest conversation, just silence. It is painful to realise that as soon as my circumstances changed, I no longer had a place in their lives.
I also find it frustrating that the emotional impact always seems to land on women, while men are left out of the equation. My partner is also becoming a parent, but he was never treated like a reminder of anything. He did not lose any friends. It is always women who carry both the burden of infertility and the fallout when it ends.

It may be bewildering for those still in that place of grief to see someone else move forward. But it is also bewildering to finally reach the other side and find yourself alone because those you hoped would be happy for you are gone.

If you can't see it from their side of the coin then you were never a good friend to them in the first place.

I have a question and I’m not trying to be rude so please don’t take it wrongly. But did you ever distance yourself from any friends that became pregnant when you were having difficulties conceiving? I am just wondering if over the years you struggled staying friends with women who fell pregnant. If so then surely you can understand some of their feelings and why they want/need to distance themselves. I am not saying that what they are doing is right at all but they may be doing it as it is too painful for them to continue to be around you? To watch your journey and belly grow when that’s all they want?
If you didn’t distance yourself from anyone over the years then you perhaps viewed friends pregnancies differently to how these other woman are doing so now. Maybe you are stronger (I’m not calling them weak I am just saying that you could process the emotions differently).

I am sorry you have lost friends over this and understand what you are asking about why men aren’t treated the same way but my opinion would be because men don’t change the way us women do when pregnant. Our body’s change, our minds change and we just overall change as people. I suppose men’s lives stay the same but suddenly there is a baby. Their conversations are not all about babies and hormones like ours tend to do when we get pregnant. We become mothers the moment we pregnant and not dissing all men but most men only become fathers when they are physically holding a newborn baby.

But you became pregnant, not your husband.

I never had fertility issues but even I can see why they’d distance themselves from you. And it was you and them that were friends - not their husbands and you?