to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

I just think this is such an emotive topic, and people process in their own way.
And honestly? That’s ok. It’s such a viscerally painful thing and a lot of the time, we are so consumed by our own emotional pain, we don’t have much regard for how other people are construing it.
I haven’t struggled to get pregnant, but staying pregnant is the issue. Last year, I lost twins (my fourth miscarriage). It was scary. It put my life in danger and I needed emergency surgery to save my life. The initial aftermath of that, the emotion I felt at the forefront of everything, if I’m being entirely honest with myself, was rage 🤷🏻‍♀️
I was told that a colleague of my DH’s and his wife were having a baby, and the reaction I had to that news was pure venom. Looking back now, I’m horrified at how I reacted and that I even said some of the awful things I said - not directly to them, but to DH when he told me. Then a few months later, we were told that DH’s brother and his wife were expecting…..again: rage was my immediate response. Not because I wasn’t happy for them, but because I was still feeling the deep, visceral pain of our loss. I totally blanked my SIL for a couple of months because I was drowning in my own emotions - my BIL didn’t even enter my head.
I think I’ve come over the rage hill now, and while I’m still devastated by our loss, and the knowledge that another baby isn’t on the cards for us, I’m now able to separate that from other people’s pregnancies. When I first hear the news, I still get that horrible sinking feeling in my tummy, and I take some time to work through that on my own before I offer my congratulations.

But that was your nephew this is a group of women who's friendship was maintained through infertility. Not even close to the same thing

In what context are they still talking to your husband. Are they saying hi in the supermarket or meeting up with him for drinks

It's because you are carrying a baby and experiencing a pregnancy not "becoming a parent".

I'm sure some of the men who are unable to be fathers don't want to hang round the park with their mates and their toddlers either.

I can guarantee those friends are hurting more than you right now.

I can see how this would smart. Losing loved friends.

Where would you rather be tho? Pregnant and lose a few friendships, or not pregnant with those friendships intact? I think you know they'd swap places with you in a heartbeat, and you wouldn't dream of swapping with them. You can extend them grace in this case.

Count your blessings basically. Maybe this is the price you pay for your baby.

My husband has been over to their house to watch football or go to a sporting event. In some cases, the wife has been there too. They have chatted, been friendly and it has all been completely normal. There was no awkwardness, no distancing, no silence.

Some of the men we know who are also facing fertility struggles have met up with my husband even when our baby was with him. They have spent time together, had a chat, and it has not changed their friendship. There was no emotional cutoff or awkward silence. The same cannot be said for my friendships with their partners.

That is the point I am making. There is a noticeable double standard in how women are treated when their circumstances change.

This is the third thread I've read today on this subject. What on earth is going on?

Of course I would rather be pregnant than still in the thick of infertility. That does not mean I do not get to grieve the loss of friendships that mattered to me. It is not a choice between having a baby or having friends. I hoped I could have both.

Yes, I know some of them would swap places with me in a heartbeat. I do not take what I have for granted. But extending grace should go both ways. I extended it when I was the one left behind. I supported friends through their pregnancies even when it broke me. I did not walk away from them.

Telling someone to just “count their blessings” makes it sound like I should be quietly grateful and accept emotional loss as part of the deal. I do not think that is fair. My baby is not a trade for being treated like I no longer belong.

What strikes me most is that my husband pays no price for this. He is becoming a parent too, but no one has distanced themselves from him. His friendships are intact. No awkward silences, no disappearing acts. It is only women who carry the emotional cost of other people’s grief—on top of their own.

I can be deeply thankful and still feel hurt. Those two things can exist at the same time

People don’t just forget all the hurt and emotions they go through when they spend years trying for a baby so YABVU to say OP has forgotten how it feels

So you understand their urge to distance themselves and you empathise with their devastation and can see why they might find it hard to be around you, but you really want them to explicitly describe that pain to you so that you don't feel rejected?

I’m not asking them to pour their hearts out or explain every detail of what they’re feeling. I get that it’s painful. I’ve been there. But a quick message like “I’m finding this really hard right now” would have been enough. That’s all. Just something that shows the friendship meant something.

When someone just disappears without a word, it does feel like rejection. It hurts. Especially when you’ve been through so much together and thought the connection ran deeper than just shared struggle.

I’m not expecting them to look after me emotionally. I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard. I can understand their pain and still be hurt by the way it’s been handled. Both can be true.

Did you make close friendships with the men on the fertility journey? Did you bond with them?

But they aren't punishing you or other women. They are protecting themselves and their mental health.

Bit surprised you thought women you bonded with over infertility would be amazingly happy for you

Well men don't get pregnant so it isn't the same.

It's unrealistic to expect relationships to not change when people who shared the same struggle no longer do. It doesn't just happen with infertility.

I don’t know, I think it’s also because they were your friends. Together you were sharing an experience with them and then that changed.

My husband has a female friend who is on an IVF journey and he hasn’t heard from her since he told her we are expecting. Similarly, I have a friend who I have shared the conception struggle with and while we still text amicably (about non-baby things) she hasn’t wanted to meet up since I told her.

We have both lost a friend over it because we both had a friend going through it.

That being said, I have an older friend who sadly lost her chance to have children and has openly mourned this a couple of times to me. I broached my pregnancy just as carefully with her (and still make an effort not to talk about baby things) and she has taken it as fact and our friendship has survived in the same form, but our struggle to get pregnant was never the basis of the friendship.

Of course it's very sad when this happens, but come on it is understandable why it is more likely to be a woman-woman friendship that is affected.

You didn't get pregnant on your own but you were the one who was pregnant which is what they wanted to be.

Be happy you got what you wanted and leave other people to look after themselves the best way they can

I never expected them to be amazingly happy for me. I was not looking for cheering, gifts, or deep involvement in my pregnancy. I know how painful it can be to see someone else get what you are still hoping for. I have lived that feeling.

What I did not expect was silence. No message. No honesty. Just being quietly cut off by people I thought I had real, lasting friendships with. That is not just protecting their mental health — that is disappearing without a word. That hurts, and it is okay to say that.

If the bond was only ever about infertility, then fair enough. Maybe the friendship was always conditional and I did not realise it. But I showed up for people even when it was hard for me. I did not punish them for getting pregnant. I did not vanish.

Self-protection is valid. But so is grieving the loss of people who once meant a lot. Both things can be true at the same time.

It is not just about the pregnancy though. It is about having a baby. Becoming a parent. That is what we were all hoping for - not just to be pregnant, but to have a child to raise and love.

Yes, I was the one who physically carried the pregnancy, but my partner is becoming a parent too. The outcome is the same for both of us. Yet no one distances themselves from him. They still chat, still invite him out, still act like nothing has changed. I am the only one who got completely shut out.

I am happy and deeply grateful, but that does not mean I cannot feel hurt. I supported friends during their highs and lows. I never made them feel like they had to disappear from my life when things changed for them.

Everyone is allowed to cope in their own way, but it does not mean the way they do it is without impact. I can respect their pain and still feel the loss of the friendships we had. This is not about blame. It is about acknowledging that it is not as simple as “be happy and move on.” People matter. Friendships matter. That is why this hurts.

Honestly OP, I’d just be grateful that I was lucky enough to have my baby and stop fixating on the loss of those friendships. Friends for a reason and friends for a season and all that. Presumably you have other friends without fertility issues?

But you don’t fit into their group anymore OP.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, but you can only control your own actions and feelings.

I understand the injustice of it all, but it is strange and unusual that they are still friendly with your husband. I do think you’re misreading that as them maybe just being polite. I don’t really think men feel the same about infertility as women, for the husbands to still be friends with your DP.

But you understand why they feel they need to do this, can't you feel a little compassionate?

Would a text really make any difference?

Maybe you could work on mentally sending them compassionate thoughts, it's sad all round. They've also lost a friend, plus got their ongoing fertility sadness to deal with.

I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard I don't think this is right at all, in this situation. 'Hard' doesn't really cover it.