to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Of course it is not the same. Men do not get pregnant, and I am not pretending they do. But becoming a parent is not limited to pregnancy alone. My husband is also becoming a father. He was there through the years of trying, the heartbreak, the treatment, and the hope. He is just as much a part of this outcome.

What I find difficult is that people only seem to react emotionally to me. Friends still talk to him, invite him out, and spend time with him, even when he is with our baby. No one has distanced themselves from him. Meanwhile, I have been cut off completely by some of the same people.

So no, it is not the same. But that is the point. Women carry both the baby and the emotional fallout. Men get to become parents without losing their social circle. That double standard is exactly what I am trying to talk about.

But why? Why do you need them to tell you they're finding it hard? Surely, of all people, you should know that without them having to explicitly send you a message?

Your definition of friendship seems to involve them bearing their hurt to you, to whatever extent, so that you can be reassured that, as well as getting the baby you all want so much, your friendships are only changing because they are torn up by their ongoing struggles and their inability to be happy for you in spite of their pain.

It's admirable that you were able to maintain friendships with people that have been in their shoes, but if you can't understand that your hurt simply isn't their priority at the moment then that might explain why they haven't contacted you.

But you get the baby.

I can accept that I may no longer fit into certain conversations or shared experiences the way I once did. Life changes, and I understand that. But what I find hard to accept is the idea that basic respect no longer applies once someone becomes pregnant. I was not expecting emotional closeness or for everything to stay the same. I just hoped for some honesty. Silence is not politeness. It is avoidance.

As for the women still being friendly with my husband, this is not just a quick hello in passing. Some of them have gone out socially with their husbands and mine. They have had drinks, gone to events, chatted comfortably. That is not just being polite. That is being selective. I have been completely cut off, while my husband is still welcomed. That makes it feel even more personal.

Maybe men do experience infertility differently, but that should not make them exempt from emotional impact while women carry the weight of everyone's feelings. We become the reminder, the one who is quietly excluded, while men continue on with no fallout.

I am not trying to control how anyone copes. I just think it is fair to say it hurts to be shut out by people I cared about, while watching them still make space for my partner. That double standard is hard to ignore.

So no, it is not the same. But that is the point. Women carry both the baby and the emotional fallout. Men get to become parents without losing their social circle. That double standard is exactly what I am trying to talk about.

no. But this is true even of couples not going through infertility. There are plenty of threads on here about how the male partners life doesn’t really change.

They've also lost the friendship, it isn't only you. Imagine how much they must have been hurting to give up a friendship just to avoid that hurt.

I do not expect anyone to bare their soul to me. I am not asking for detailed confessions or emotional breakdowns. But yes, I do think a message saying, “I need some space,” or “This is hard for me right now,” is the bare minimum in a close friendship. That is not about needing reassurance—it is about basic respect.

Friendship does not mean pretending everything is fine. But it also should not mean disappearing completely without a word, especially from people I supported through their darkest times. I do not think it is unreasonable to feel hurt by that, even if I understand why they are struggling.

The idea that my hurt should not matter at all because I now have a baby is part of the problem. I can be grateful and still feel sad. I can understand their pain and still feel the sting of silence. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
I do not need my pain to be their priority. But I think it is fair to say that when someone you were close to cuts you off entirely, it leaves a mark. That is not about needing them to perform their grief for me. It is about the absence of basic communication in relationships I thought were meaningful.

Understanding someone’s pain does not mean your own feelings stop existing. That is all I am saying.

Honestly, the more you describe the current situation where your husband and baby are invited out and you are specifically excluded, the more I think there may be more to than simply their struggle to cope with the impact of infertility. Has your husband never asked why you aren't included in social events? Is he just going along with your baby and colluding in your exclusion?

I think you are being unreasonable essentially wanting your husband to get the same bad treatment as you because he got you pregnant. Niether a man or a woman should be made to pay the emotional price for someone elses pain. After all it isn't either of your faults they didn't get their babies.

I'm sure you didn't mean to come off this way and it's coming from a place of hurt which is understandable but honestly all the blame lies with the women (your former friends) that are caused this issue by unreasonably cutting you off because your story went differently to theirs. They should treat you how they'd have liked to be treated should a pregnancy happen for them, I'm sorry they have done this to you. My advice? Have a good cry about it absolutely grieve the loss of the friendships but then forget those idiots, if they can cut you off over this they wasn't good friends anyway.

Congratulations and good luck on the rest of your pregnancy (I'm also newly pregnant too) and hope you make lots of lovely mum friends in the future.

You are very much not unreasonable -anger at women - for getting promotions/opportunities, what they wear, whether they wear make up or not, if they want decent customer service, for being in an affair, for having children or not having children - is massively disproportionate. Its a method of social control to keep women in their place. What is is focused on is almost irrelevant. I am sorry this is happening to you.

You come across as being very lacking in empathy and utterly determined that these women, who are suffering a pain that you are not any longer, are punishing you. They are not, they are protectng themselves. You don't like how they have gone about it but you could try and see things from their point of view.

I don't know you posted in AIBU as you are quite certain you are not.

Everything about having a baby is about the woman. Everything. It's the woman who can or cannot be pregnant, it's the woman who carries a baby, births, breastfeeds, does majority of the caring, takes a massive hit in career and social life etc etc. My DH is a good partner but his life has not been impacted the way mine has. Not even close.

But they haven’t given up the friendship completely. They still see my husband. They go out, they chat, sometimes even when he’s got the baby with him. So it’s not like they cut ties with both of us to protect themselves from the reminder. It’s just me they’ve pulled away from.

That’s what stings. If it was really too painful to stay in touch, I’d understand needing distance. I’ve been in that place too. But the fact they can still be friendly and social with him makes it feel personal, like I’m the one being avoided, not the situation.

I know they’re hurting. I do get that. But it still hurts to be shut out completely by people I stood by for years—especially when my husband’s relationships with them are still intact.

I don’t think that’s fair. I’ve been through infertility too. I know how painful it is. I do understand why they might need space. I’m not saying they have to be happy for me or pretend everything’s fine.

What I’m struggling with is being completely cut off without a word, while they’re still friendly with my husband. If it was really just about protecting themselves from the reminder, I’d expect them to take space from both of us. But they haven’t. That makes it feel personal, even if that wasn’t the intention.

I’m not trying to make this about me being the victim. I just didn’t expect total silence from people I stood by through their own hard times. I think it’s reasonable to feel hurt by that.

Well they were never really your friends then, OP

Whose friend were they first? Were they yours or your husbands?

I don’t want to come across as insensitive, but you mention you have made friends through your infertility journey. That was the topic that bound you together, and you are now not a part of that circle. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were ‘dropped’ as a friend out of jealousy or spite because you are pregnant / had a baby, you just don’t fit in to that group anymore. As to the men. Respectfully, these are your friends? So why would they have anything to do with your husband in the first place?

And tbh what’s worse is your husbands lack of support of you, by not calling out their behaviour

But they've lost your friendship, they have given up that.

I can't fathom why you don't understand.

This too. Why is allowing them to exclude you while he and the baby go off to see these so-called friends?

I've never been through infertility and I can understand why they would be cool towards you and not your husband. Why can't you?

OP you’re quite obviously not prepared to listen to what others are saying, so I’m not sure why you posted here.

There is a huge and obvious difference between a woman falling pregnant and the impact of that on women suffering with infertility, and a man. If you truly can’t understand that then I don’t know what to tell you.

Not everybody feels able to do the “I’m finding this hard so taking a step back etc” and they don’t owe you that- they are protecting themselves, that is okay.

And yes you may also have previously suffered infertility but you got your baby, you got your happy ending, and that does change everything.

Not sure why you're blaming men for the behaviour of women.

I’ve been through infertility too. I know how painful it is. You don't know their pain because you have a different ending.

How are these social events happening with your husband? Are they arranged events or is he just bumping into them? Seems odd for him to go on his own if they are arranged, why are you not going with him, maybe that is needed for you to break the ice? Even if it means getting a babysitter. I also suffered infertility a long time ago, I got my family but I have never really got over six years of trying, I did find it hard when friends fell pregnant easily, I’ll admit I lost a good friend, her insensitivity or mine, who knows, but I also had a friend who I met on our IVF journey, who did gradually disappear, I get it was hard for her and I think she withdrew but I understand.