to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Could have been your husband’s or your lovers or a sperm doners, but it’s definitely yours.

I also understand why they ghosted her - they probably thought the conversation is too difficult to have and they know they sound irrational. Also, reality is, their relationship would be v different with OP once she became a mum as it’s all consuming - for the first few years of the child’s life you speak about little else as they are so dependent on you and your life is naps / bottles/ potty training etc. It wouldn’t be fair on OP to feel she couldn’t speak about her child or on her friends to pretend they want to hear about it! I think it’s easy to say ‘just be honest’ but truth is if they were, they’d only be labelled horrible and bitter.

Because the men don't have what they desperately want. They want to be pregnant, to be a pregnant woman. A man with functional sperm cells is not what they want to be, so it's not got the same visceral pain that seeing a pregnant woman, a breastfeeding woman, a woman with a baby causes them.

They're not looking at the father thinking 'Why him and not me?'.

The more you respond OP the more obvious it becomes why they were not able to continue a friendship I’m afraid.

You really seem to be lacking in understanding, massively. You’ve been told here by multiple people what the issue is, explained, but yet you still only want to stick to what you think.

As for the women still being friendly with my husband, this is not just a quick hello in passing. Some of them have gone out socially with their husbands and mine. They have had drinks, gone to events, chatted comfortably. That is not just being polite. That is being selective. I have been completely cut off, while my husband is still welcomed. That makes it feel even more personal.

So they are happy to go out with your DH and baby but not you.

I could find reasons for that and I expect you've found many on your own - but honestly it doesn't really matter.

It is excluding just you and it pretty shit for you and I suspect perhaps they weren't close friends but felt closer becasue of the shared experiences. I'd try and find new social group and hope this one and your DH get more distant with time - which TBH I'd be a bit surpised if they keep excluding you that wouldn't naturally happen.

I went to hospital full term pregnant and then was told the saddest news imaginable and came back home to arrange a baby funeral.

That year we had so many new mums (some colleagues, and wives of colleagues) walking in the office with a baby in their arms - I don’t even remember, as I was in a fog, and I would’ve never expected it of myself but I just blanked them/ hid in the toilets. I’m sure they felt I was very unfair, border line rude, weird - it was irrational.
It did also influence some of my friendships in a different way. Their kids were already grown but I think they just found me a bit too miserable for too long to hang around.

It doesn't matter how sensitive you were, or how just / unjust, sexist or not they are being. They are unable to react the way you want them too - they're not trying to be nasty to you, but they don't want to have to deal with the hurt of you being pregnant, on top of all the other painful emotions they are already experiencing. YABU to try and dictate to them how they "should" feel or act. Even if you think you could have maintained a friendship if the roles were reversed, this clearly isn't the case for them. Count your blessings and move on. You will undoubtedly make new "mum" friends over the next few years anyway.

It was the opposite for me I lost my friend group as they each got pregnant

The OP is either unable/unwilling to see things from other people’s points of view, or is an AI bot. Every post is just going round and round in circles.

This

I’m sort of with you, OP. Except in my case, I fell pregnant very quickly. My sister had been through 3 rounds of IVF and it was a really difficult time. My BIL cut me off completely, stopped speaking to me, blocked me on social media but kept talking to DH.

They too got their baby, but our relationship never recovered. Now we’re practically two strangers, when we had a closer sibling relationship than my actual brother before hand.

I just accept that people deal with grief differently, but it’s pretty heartbreaking sometimes.

I agree with this, to be honest.

I think it’s quite a stretch trying to blame a man here. He didn’t carry the baby, and not a visual reminder. A woman is.

I don't think it is intentional. I think the reaction comes from a place of deep pain.

Presumably these women wanted to be pregnant and a mum? Your DH is neither of these things, and so doesn’t symbolise the thing they want and can’t have.

If they desperately wanted to be a Dad then they might have cut off your DH instead.

Because they're friends and you should be happy for people, even if they have things you haven't, especially when you can appreciate their difficulties they've had getting to that place.

Most people in their lives have something that they've been unable to achieve.

Yes of course they wanted to be pregnant and become mums. I get that. But the end goal was always having a baby and becoming a parent, not just being pregnant. My husband is becoming a parent too. Just because he is not carrying the baby does not mean he is not part of the thing they are grieving.

If it was really just about seeing someone get what they want and cannot have, then both of us would be reminders. But I am the one who got cut off, while he is still getting invited out, still chatting with them like nothing has changed. That is not just about pregnancy. It is about how people treat women differently.

Disagree - people shouldn’t have to torture themselves and they have every right to disengage if that in turn, safeguards their mental health.

I get what you’re saying OP.

It is cruel for them to talk to your DH and not you, be around your DH and baby, but not you.

I think you have a DH problem.

How can he remain friends with people who have chosen to distance themselves from his wife after she had a baby, especially the ones who were friends with you before the infertility struggles?

Infertility can trigger some overwhelming feelings of jealousy, I know from experience. We aren't jealous of a bloke who can't be a dad we are jealous of the woman who got the positive test. It isn't pretty but infertility isn't either. You have to let those people have their space.

You are not being unreasonable OP and I can see why you're hurt by your friends' treatment of you. And don't think you're completely devoid of compassion like others make out.

I am in a similar position at the moment, having just had a baby and being on the receiving end of some unkind and wilfully spiteful (by their own admission - they have acknowledged that they literally knew they were doing it) behaviour from relatives who are undergoing IVF for their second child. If I treated them the way they treated me a few days after the birth of their first child (their first successful IVF transfer) they would be both heartbroken and livid, yet I'm not allowed to feel hurt by it because my baby had the gall to come first.

Infertility is absolutely heartbreaking and painful beyond belief but I don't think that should give people a free pass to not treat other people with the same kindness, respect and empathy they would hope to receive themselves should the shoe be on the other foot.

You do understand that as a parent you constantly have to think of other people and not just your own family. Honestly if you think like that maybe being a parent isn't the right thing for you.

They already have their space. I’m not chasing them or trying to force contact.

It’s not surprising that seeing another woman get pregnant and grow her baby is far more painful than knowing a man will soon be a dad.

I can’t follow your indignation at all. Did your husband make friends with these women as well and they continued to stay his friend and not yours? It doesn’t seem that that’s what you’re saying. You also don’t seem to be saying that your husband also made friends based on your shared infertility troubles and then those friends stuck around after you fell pregnant / had your child whereas the ones you made didn’t. When you say men don’t get punished in the way you have, you don’t seem to be applying the same set of circumstances, even ignoring the fact that you are the one that gets pregnant.