to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Honestly, I'd focus on the joy of your pregnancy (congratulations by the way!) and not any of the negative stuff. The misery around infertility isn't logical.

To me this seems more than a little disingenuous but I will try and explain why these women are not reacting the same way to both you and your husband. When a man's partner becomes pregnant, no part of said pregnancy is happening in his body. His stomach is not expanding, the baby is not kicking him, he's not experiencing morning sickness or cravings or anything like that. He's not going to go through labour. When the baby is born, he's not going to be a mother. Thus, he is not a walking reminder of what I cannot do. It does not matter one tiny bit that there are many aspects of parenting that can be done by either parent. Not one bit. I am a woman, therefore the female role in pregnancy and childbirth is the one I was hoping to fulfill. And as it is the one I cannot fulfill, I am never going to be able to look at a pregnant woman, or a woman with a child, and not wonder why she deserves to be a mother and I do not. And that's on a good day.

You can say that it's not a reasonable position to have and I'd agree with you because it's not about deserving or not deserving. I am doing whatever I need to in order to bear this pain, just as any woman in my situation is. My advice to you is to stop trying to rationalise it and work towards acceptance.

It's not about you.

The pregnant friends were hard to be around. It was a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. My failure as a woman. My inability to do what others did so easily. Fuck me just being was hard. There are pregnant people everywhere you look when your TTC. It's like they come out in flocks to taunt you.

The bigger problem was how I felt about myself. The jealousy and self loathing. I'd look at a pregnant woman and I'd feel jealous, angry, sad and I would hate myself for it. What a nasty bastard I was that I couldn't be happy for other people even those I loved. The self loathing.

I had fertility counselling. My counselling said that each failed treatment is similar to a bereavement. I had 2 fresh cycles and 6 frozen cycles. I had two miscarriages both twin pregnancies. I had 2 D&C. I had a terrible pregnancy with my first. Then a terrible labour and emergency csection. The trauma doesn't go away. I have 2 kids now and that trauma is still a part of me.

My friendships have stood the test of time because my friends gave me grace. I didn't meet my BFs baby until he was 1. I couldn't do it. They understood and never judged me for it. I never went to a baby shower then and I won't go now. I also didn't have one.

OP, could it be that they have a more superficial relationship with your partner? Whereas they know that you have more of a direct insight into how they feel when they politely say hi to your baby and ask how its going? That polite chit chat disguising all the pain. Before they go home to have a cry because they just got their period again. They will feel completely exposed by that knowledge you have. Please respect that they need space and don't want to open up a dialogue by being honest with you.

This says it all.

Men suffer from infertility as well. Perhaps they feel the same when their friends announce they are to become a father?

I got pregnant by accident when one of my closest friends had been TTC for years. She didn't ghost me or any other friend who got pregnant. She struggled so much but she carried on being a good friend to everyone and us with her. She is truly a good person. I later went on to have several miscarriages so had some semblance of that pain but I did get my children in the end, she never got hers. It is really unfair and really painful so I can understand how some people cannot deal with it and I wouldn't take it personally OP. I know I would have found it incredibly hard and I think my life probably wouldn't be where I am now if I'd not had my children. Try and put yourself in their shoes. The thing they wanted most in the world you've got. The reason you became friends was because you were in the same boat but now you're not. Forgive them and move on with your life. Be happy that you've got what you wanted.

Truthfully, having been someone who was (is) infertile and eventually had a baby, I think the problem is possibly you?

I was extremely sensitive with my pregnancy with my long standing friends who didn’t have children whether through circumstance or infertility. I knew if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a gut punch: the definition of happy for you, sad for me. I said as sensitively as I could that I knew this could be really difficult news and I knew that if they had to walk away for a little bit, then that was totally okay.

We are still really good friends.

Whilst my husband certainly found infertility to be very stressful and lonely at times, ultimately he wasn’t the one having his foof rummaged around and going through the side effects miserable failure after miserable failure. It is much “realer” for the partner undergoing the IVF.

It’s a bit like being broke flatmates in your 20s and one day someone has a flat purchased for them by a rich aunt, who then goes on to complain about the cost of renovations. Sometimes you’ve gotta read the room.

Not trying to be rude but have you ever thought that it maybe it’s a reflection on you. I know someone in the trenches of infertility who stopped speaking to her friend when her friend fell pregnant - not because she couldn’t cope with her pregnancy or was ‘being bitchy’ but because her pregnant friend was just inconsiderate towards her situation and she was better off without her, husband was kind and sensitive, Also you should be able to understand what your friend is going through, based on your tone I can see what she’s distanced herself, sorry.

Well she still went through it and at the time she didn't know it would have the ending it did.

I get that some people cut ties because a friend was insensitive. That does happen. But that is not what happened here. I went out of my way to be considerate. I did not make big announcements, I did not go on about the pregnancy, and I was very careful not to bring baby talk into conversations unless someone asked.

My husband and I were both part of these friendships. If I had genuinely done something thoughtless or hurtful, I doubt they would be fine spending time with him. That is what makes the silence toward me feel personal.

I do understand what they are going through. I’ve been there. I cried through other people’s pregnancies while still turning up for them. I’m not asking for full involvement or emotional support. I just think a simple message saying “this is hard for me” would have been better than disappearing without a word.
You’re reading a lot into my tone based on one post

I'm still in disbelief how not understanding you are. Kindness does go a long way, OP. and being kind is understanding why these ladies are hurting now. You only think of yourself.

I’d imagine the
women weren’t as close with your dh anyway?

it’s sad as you spent so much time with them but they’re essentially a support group for infertile people and situational friends. It would be nice to think they like you enough after all those years to be happy and get on board but seeing you now pregnant will be triggering.

congratulations on your news though! Time to join a pregnancy group / nct and be with people who will be excited to be on the same journey as you!!

We all hope we will make life long friends but often friends come and go, and that’s okay. You can close the door on the stressful chapter of your life and open yourself up to being a mum, you’re very lucky.

I am glad your friendships survived that moment. Truly. That kind of honesty and care goes a long way, and it sounds like your friends respected you for how you handled it.

But I was sensitive too. I did not make big announcements, I did not bring up baby talk unless asked, and I never expected anyone to celebrate with me. I never forgot what it was like to be in their shoes. I gave people space. What I did not get was the same respect back—just silence.

If someone had said, “This is hard, I need some distance,” I would have completely understood. I did not expect constant contact or support. I just didn’t expect to be dropped with no explanation, while those same friends still chat to my husband and meet up with him. That is not about me being insensitive or complaining about “renovation costs.” That is about being erased while someone else stays fully included.

I agree that the physical side of infertility hits differently. I went through it. I know. But I do not think it’s fair to suggest men weren’t emotionally involved or that their experience doesn’t count just because they weren’t the ones being prodded and injected. My husband was there for every part of it—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yet no one cut him off. That’s the double standard I’m talking about.

This isn’t about not reading the room. It’s about grieving the loss of people I cared about, even when I tried my best to be respectful. You got to keep your friendships. I didn’t.

I get where you’re coming from, but saying I don’t know their pain just because my story ended differently isn’t fair.

I’ve been through infertility too. The negative tests, the failed cycles, the constant waiting and hoping. I lived all of that. Just because I eventually had a baby doesn’t mean I forgot what that pain feels like. It stays with you.
Of course our situations are different now. I’m not pretending they’re the same.

But it doesn’t mean I suddenly stopped understanding. It also doesn’t mean I can’t feel hurt when people I stood by for years cut me off without a word.

Different endings don’t erase shared experiences.

Being in pain - even very deep pain - is not an excuse for being cruel to a friend, and it is cruel to cut someone off without an explanation, and it’s cruel that they still talk to your husband.

I do understand why they are hurting. I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to watch someone else get what you are still hoping for. I’ve felt that grief, that jealousy, and that feeling of being left behind.

But kindness goes both ways. I never expected anyone to be overjoyed for me. I never pushed my news in anyone’s face. I was careful, quiet, and tried to be sensitive. What I did not expect was complete silence from people I supported for years—while they still talk to my husband like nothing has changed.

You say I only think of myself, but I have thought of them the whole time. That’s why this hurts. I cared about them. I still do. But caring about someone else should not mean my feelings no longer matter. I’m not asking for anyone to put me first—I’m just saying it’s painful to be shut out completely by people I thought were true friends.

You can understand someone’s pain and still feel sad about how they’ve treated you. Both things can be true.

But are these friends also friends with your husband?

I am not blaming men. I am pointing out a pattern. When a woman in an infertility circle gets pregnant, she is often the one who gets cut off, avoided, or resented. Meanwhile, her partner, who is also becoming a parent, is still welcomed, still invited, still spoken to like nothing has changed.

That is not about blaming men. It is about asking why the emotional fallout of someone else's grief so often lands only on women. Why is it the pregnant woman who becomes the symbol of pain, while her partner keeps his friendships with no awkwardness or distance?

Why is your husband letting these couples exclude you? Why is he taking himself and your baby to events that you’re being deliberately excluded from ?

Question - Do you think it would be fair if these ladies were more honest/ forthcoming by just admitting that they found it triggering and as a result, would be distancing themselves from OP?

You obviously don't understand infertility and the pain of it. 🤷

Why are you using Chat GPT to write your responses?

I was ready to say YABU until I saw your update that the men and women are hanging out with your husband and baby as if that was the way it always was.

Has your h ever spoken to you about how you feel about him socialising and seeing your old friends? If I was your h, I would have also drifted away from these people for pretending that you didn’t exist any more.

I totally understand why they ghosted you. You say that you would have been happy with a goodbye message but many people who received such a message would want the opportunity to explain their side which the ghoster doesn’t want because they don’t want to talk about their jealousy and pain. They know that your pregnancy isn’t personal but they don’t want to say that it’s not fair and they can’t cope. There’s nothing that you can say or do to make things better and they don’t want to be the one to say what they are really thinking like the sight of you triggers them.

This is not a pattern with anyone that I have ever heard of in real life.

If Mike and Susie are friends with John and Jane, and Susie decides she doesn't like Jane anymore, they don't keep inviting John around to hang out. And if they did, John certainly wouldn't go.