Do people still judge single mothers?

[purpledaze24]

Not sure what my AIBU is exactly but I’m interested to hear whether people think single mothers are still judged negatively in society. Growing up in the 90s there was always that disgusting attitude of it always being seen as the fault of the single mother for ending up in that situation, they were irresponsible, they were slags etc etc, couldn’t possibly ever be the fault of the man. Obviously we’ve moved on a bit but do you think that attitude still lingers a bit? Or has it gone completely? I’m a single mother and I recently got turned down on a house rental. When I told my dad about this he said “maybe it’s because you’re a single mother”. He’s a boomer and has some pretty outdated views but it shocked (and kinda hurt) me that he could think that would be a reason. My finances (which I proved to the house owners) are very good and I could more than afford the house. It would never occur to me that that’d be a reason. AIBU? Or have the stereotypes/judgement disappeared?

I’ve been a single parent for over 11yrs and I have two children by two different Dads.

I don’t believe I’m judged exactly, I have a good job and a nice house that I pay the mortgage on as well as a good circle of friends. I have also put a lot of time in to raising my kids by being on my own and not wanting to bring another disastrous relationship in to our lives.

I do believe however there is a silent segregation though. For example, my good friends all have couples nights out, obviously I’m not invited to those. It’s such a thing now that even if I did have a partner I would be to scared to go them with him. Another is the rollercoaster that is OLD and the perception there at lots of hot men out there who I’m just too picky to date 🙄. I’m sure there is more.

I find the people I can talk to the most are people who are or have been single parents. They just get it, I don’t get grilled about my love life from them and it feels safer to really open up to them.

You dont think an extra 18 years makes a difference or splitting up when you have adults kids verses babies makes a difference? strange.

In the context of 'bad choice', no.

Are you suggesting it is somehow 'bad' to split up when children are small? If your husband cheats, beats you, gambles away the house or anything else, marrying him was only a bad choice if you have young children?

He’s a boomer and has some pretty outdated views but it shocked (and kinda hurt) me that he could think that would be a reason.
It certainly might have been a reason, back in the day and peoples' memories are long. Obviously one hopes that attitudes have changed and that your father would be aware of those attitude changes but he will have known those times and those views even if he didn't approve of them.

OP I do hope you find a house.

Nope, not in my social circle. It’s seen as much better to split up and be a single parent / co-parent than raise children in a toxic, loveless relationship.

I think nowadays single mums are viewed a bit more positively than they used to be.

One thing that is still clear though is that single mums are still seen as lazy and grabby when it comes to money. I’ve seen lots of benefit bashing posts on here where posters would rather see a single mum run herself in to the ground than her work part time and top her wage up with benefits.

I think everyone just judges everyone else for literally everything tbh. Every single decision made by every member of the public no matter who they are seems to be scrutinized by social media now. I'm a single mum, I get shocked Pikachu faces when people find out I've only ever had one sexual partner, who is the father of all 3 even though there is a large age gap between the children. Yes I did choose poorly as a 20 year old, and 18 years later I corrected that mistake after trying for so long to keep everyone together. Now I'm single with two older kids and a baby. Judge me how you want. I have a good career that I trained hard for, my older kids get praised by everyone they meet for their manners and caring nature so if anyone such as the other poster here judged them and considered them unsuitable just for being children of a single mum I would probably discourage their relationship and at least make it known they could choose a far better match.

My dad’s also in the ‘boomer’ category and struggles with his daughter being (whisper it) a divorced single mother. He’s makes comments like my DC are doing so well ‘all things considered’ and seems to think I have access to special ‘single mum benefits’, despite being a higher rate tax payer.

I laugh about it, but yeah it hurts. I’d rather he be proud of me for leaving my bully of an ex-DH and thriving, with my own home and good career. I honestly think he’d be more comfortable if I’d kept on being quietly miserable but outwardly respectable.

I was a child in small town Ireland in the 1980s and the judginess then was off the scale. By comparison I don't feel judged at all as a single parent now, in the UK in 2025. I might just be failing to observe it, but I don't really care.

Single parents are still judged but less so now than they were. My mother in law was a single parent for around 5/6 years. When DH was small around the mid 1980s the nursery teacher asked to speak to her when she showed up to pickup DH. The teacher said “Tommy knows he is different to the other children because you and his daddy don’t share a house do you? Mother in law was angry and replied “No we don’t share a house because his daddy is in the cemetery as his daddy died of cancer at 26”. None of my single parent friends have ever been questioned by the nursery or the school concerning if they are a single or two parent household.

Well my son has, he went to a club and was questioned about if he has a dad so it does still happen just in different ways.

I'm married but I have never worn the ring because I don't like wearing rings. Would never occur to me that people would look on my hands to see whether I'm in a relationship or not. And oh, we had our 2 children before we got married anyway.

Would make your blood boil wouldn't it

I'm Irish too

I am awake at three am for some reason (mainly as I often wake at this time) and my thoughts turned to this thread.

The thing I think is, and I remember thinking this when my oldest was little, that it was such a privilege to have her and bring her up. Her dad left when she was a baby. And I still think that - when she was born, a light went on in my life. She graduated this summer with a first class degree from one of the top universities and that was also a privilege to be at, because she shined.

My second child is in his teens. He was very much wanted but I left his father as his dad was controlling and also I felt abusive to my DD. This is what every post on MN advises you to do - leave - and I did when DS was a toddler. His dad waged a campaign of legal abuse at me which went on for six years, whilst contributing very little in the form of practical or financial support. That was a different experience, but DS is funny and smart and also lights up my life.

So while I said I would not engage with this thread and it’s judgy posters, things people say stick with you, and I find myself thinking about this at 3am. So I wanted to say that I still think it has been the greatest privilege of my life to bring up two wonderful people and it is them I am accountable to. If it makes you feel better about your own life to judge me, fill your boots. I would say be glad you have not walked in my shoes but when I reflect on it, these are not shoes I would change.

I wouldn't waste a moment thinking about this thread in a negative way.

Most normal people know that single mothers are amazing.

Congratulations on your beautiful well adjusted children, you deserve to feel very proud. Sweet dreams 😴 🥰

I would argue that all children are better off in single parent households over the alternative - because the alternative will be, at worst, severe abuse, and at best, a dull, loveless marriage, which is a terrible example of a relationship for children. Single mums help children, especially boys, see women as strong, powerful people who don’t need men and deserve enormous respect. In my experience, men raised by single mums have far more respect for women than those raised by a mum and dad.

”being at heightened risk of divorce themselves in future”
lol that’s a lot of assumptions - that the child will have a traditional family and marriage in the future. The rates of marriage and nuclear families are falling year on year as people are rejecting traditional values and there are increasingly new and innovative ways to have babies. This isn’t the 50s, you can’t just assume your child is going to grow up, get married to someone of the opposite sex and pop out 2.4 children.
Also, how on earth do you come to the conclusion that it makes them less able to have long-term relationships themselves? You don’t learn how to sustain a relationship by observing your parents as a child, you learn through years of your own experience of relationships and what works and what doesn’t, from teenage years onwards. You don’t watch your parents sort the electricity bill together, taking notes age 6 🤣

I think the blanket moral judgement surrounding single mothers has definitely declined in recent years. I'm old enough to remember the Thatcher era when single mothers were considered a source of all the moral problems in the UK. There was a view that a single mother had brought it on herself by failing to work at the marriage enough and a very Victorian overlay.

Most of that has really harsh judgement has gone and people rarely see single mothers as a societal cancer, but I find the prejudice nowadays is more insidious: in manifests more in people's failure to understand what the limitations are on single parents.

I was a single parent for about ten years after my marriage broke down and working in the City for most of that time and there was a constant undertow of resentment towards me for the reasonable adjustments I needed to make to keep the wheels on at home and do my job. For example, people would sneer at me for being allowed to leave work 30 minutes early to collect my daughter from nursery, even though I was routinely doing a couple of hours' work in the evenings to get everything wrapped up while my (mainly male) colleagues were out on the piss. I remember on numerous occasions being told that being a single mother was a "lifestyle choice" (as if I'd chosen an abusive husband).

I also see this in some of the "Not my Nigel" posts on certain threads on here where its implied that if your marriage has broken down then its due to a failure on your part to select the correct husband. Plus also the fetishization of marriage in every circumstance, when marriage isn't always desirable or appropriate.

A PP is also correct that there are many different types of single mother. I was lucky in that I had a well-paid job, could afford good childcare and was allowed to work flexibly on certain occasions. The women who are forced to give up jobs due to this or forced to use round-the-clock childcare are still subjected to a lot more opprobrium.

@Thepeopleversuswork ”I also see this in some of the "Not my Nigel" posts on certain threads on here where its implied that if your marriage has broken down then its due to a failure on your part to select the correct husband.”

So true. Posts where someone is complaining about their husband and loads of posters going “why did you choose to have children with this man?” Once again, it’s all the woman’s fault!

@purpledaze24

I would argue that all children are better off in single parent households over the alternative - because the alternative will be, at worst, severe abuse, and at best, a dull, loveless marriage, which is a terrible example of a relationship for children. Single mums help children, especially boys, see women as strong, powerful people who don’t need men and deserve enormous respect. In my experience, men raised by single mums have far more respect for women than those raised by a mum and dad.

I completely agree with this.

One of the things people forget is that women rarely leave a marriage for shits and giggles. There's almost always a serious problem at the heart of the relationship and the woman will have calculated that the marriage is creating more harm to the children than leaving it.

I also agree that men raised by single mums tend to have more respect for women. Partly because they've seen first hand women doing things on their own and also because they haven't been subjected to the cultural baggage which, lets face it, underpins many heterosexual marriages where the man is assumed to be the "head of the family" and deferred to by the woman in a lot of decision-making. And in most cases is the higher earner.

I know it's had a positive impact on my daughter to see me both supporting the family financially and taking responsibility for her upbringing and emotional and logistical support.

I know a lot of families headed by a single mother and without exception the children are thriving. Maybe not a representative cross-section because we're reasonably affluent but I've seen no anecdotal evidence of family breakdown in itself creating problems for children.

The biggest swing factor for me is how the parents conduct themselves during a breakup. If parents are cordial and respectful to one another and the child's life is prioritised and residency properly planned, it doesn't need to be damaging. Where the problems come is where the resident parent ends up financially handicapped or where there is a toxic relationship between the parents. Divorce always means upheaval and can be traumatic but it doesn't have to be a disaster. If handled correctly it can ultimately be positive for the children.

Well said. I would also argue that single mums are, in the vast majority of cases much, much better for the mental and emotional health of children than introducing a step-father into the mix. Many mums deliberately stay single for this reason. Speaking from personal experience, step-parents can be a total disaster and can cause lifelong resentment of the parent by some children. I heavily resent my mum for forcing my step-dad into my life, letting him ‘discipline’ me, and constantly prioritising him over me. It was actually deeply damaging. I would have been SO much happier and more well adjusted as an adult and had more respect for my mum if she had stayed single. Yeah we might have been a bit poorer, but I’d rather have been poorer than spent half my childhood walking on eggshells in my own home because I was living with a stranger. Because many step parents never really graduate from stranger status for many kids who put an emotional wall up like I did.

"You don’t learn how to sustain a relationship by observing your parents as a child, you learn through years of your own experience of relationships and what works and what doesn’t, from teenage years onwards. You don’t watch your parents sort the electricity bill together, taking notes age 6"

@purpledaze24 You learn from both of those things..

Children don't need to "take notes". Their brains are like sponges when they are young. They absorb everything they see.

@playdoughed

Children don't need to "take notes". Their brains are like sponges when they are young. They absorb everything they see.

Yes, but that works both ways. Children observe their parents' relationships, the good, the bad and the ugly. A young child will suss out fairly early on instinctively what the power dynamics are and who treats whom well.

An environment where there is violence or abuse, where parents are fighting or are just suspicious, contemptuous or resentful towards one another is at least as damaging (I would argue more so) than two happy and well adjusted parents living separately from one another.

I completely agree that it is just as damaging. I haven't said otherwise.

In contrast, an environment where parents work through their difficulties and stay together is healthy and positive. Some parents are able to do this, others aren't. Their children live through these experiences and learn from them.

When I was choosing a partner, I avoided men whose parents were divorced, or who had difficult relationships with their parents or other family members because, to me, that was a red flag.

@playdoughed

In contrast, an environment where parents work through their difficulties and stay together is healthy and positive. Some parents are able to do this, others aren't. Their children live through these experiences and learn from them.

Maybe. I guess it depends on your definition of "work through their difficulties". In principle I agree and in theory a couple going through a rough patch and emerging at the end of it with a genuinely loving and respectful marriage should be a good thing.

But, and call me cynical, in practice quite a lot of the time "working on the marriage" and "working through difficulties" in my experience is quite often a euphemism for the woman putting up and shutting up, sweeping stuff under the carpet and tolerating a sub-standard relationship for the sake of family harmony/the children/finances. Or just feeling trapped and unable to leave. Or just two people who no longer really like one another trudging along in resentment because they can't afford to start again.

A woman taking control and leaving a situation which is dragging her down or making for a substandard family environment is usually a positive message both for boys and girls. I'm not someone who believes that preserving the marriage or preserving a nuclear family is always the best outcome regardless of the circumstances. I've seen with my own eyes that women can do a lot better, and their children can thrive, as a single parent family. That doesn't mean they should leave a marriage rashly. But I know enough single mothers to know that usually they wanted to leave many many years before they actually did. It's not a decision people take lightly.

@playdoughed you refused to date men who’s parents were divorced? Wow 😮