Do people still judge single mothers?

[purpledaze24]

Not sure what my AIBU is exactly but I’m interested to hear whether people think single mothers are still judged negatively in society. Growing up in the 90s there was always that disgusting attitude of it always being seen as the fault of the single mother for ending up in that situation, they were irresponsible, they were slags etc etc, couldn’t possibly ever be the fault of the man. Obviously we’ve moved on a bit but do you think that attitude still lingers a bit? Or has it gone completely? I’m a single mother and I recently got turned down on a house rental. When I told my dad about this he said “maybe it’s because you’re a single mother”. He’s a boomer and has some pretty outdated views but it shocked (and kinda hurt) me that he could think that would be a reason. My finances (which I proved to the house owners) are very good and I could more than afford the house. It would never occur to me that that’d be a reason. AIBU? Or have the stereotypes/judgement disappeared?

It depends on the situation. I know a single mother with 2 children who met someone and had another child, separated then met someone and had another child. She is now single again but will probably meet someone else to have yet another child. One dad is a good egg, the two others useless. What I don't understand is the compulsion to quicly have another child as soon as you met someone new. She did get a rather large council house and one of her dc is disabled so she gets DLA. Will probably never work again because she won't earn more working than she gets now from the state.

Oh, 100%. I'm widowed and I still get judged.

People in here saying it's the ones who don't work that get judged, well I've been explicitly judged by other parents for the amount of time my child spends in childcare (wrap around every day and much of the holidays since she was small). "Is there really no way you could cut your hours? It seems like an awful lot for a little one". "8-6 is too long at that age". "Poor little thing must miss you". And so on.

And then there's the judgement for starting a new relationship, which is very heavily judged on Mumsnet. I sometimes book extra childcare so I can have sex with my FWB, how selfish does that make me?

And @playdoughed I'd be interested to know if children whose parents have died are suitable partners for your own children, or does your rationale only apply to the feckless?

Not judgemental at all of the mothers but of society for normalising divorce, having kids outside of stable homes/relationships etc.

My mother & father were both raised by a divorced mother in the 50s/60s and they both suffered in different ways.

There should be more pre-marriage counselling (like there used to be via family & church), and counselling during marriage, to help people understand what personal and financial compatibility is, abuse, etc BEFORE going into these types of situations to ensure education as much as possible so kids do not suffer from false expectations of their parents.

I’m sorry about that, it’s very unfair. Being a single mum is hard work.

I’m a single mum, kids now grown but I can’t say I ever felt judged. I don’t remember any incidents or situations that come to mind.

It depends if the father is contributing fully to the family -ok. If taxes are covering the costs not ok.

I left school in 1996, and there were several girls in my school with babies, or pregnant. At the time the media message was negative as OP says, so it became a running joke between us all not to get pregnant or we'll forever be a "s__g". A bit like the Vicky Pollard character. We judged girls hard, back then. It was also the era of Ladette culture and men's mags, the culture around sex was pretty appalling. I look back and shudder at society, and at myself.

It should be obvious that it doesn't apply to children of parents who have died. 🙄

It applies to children who have grown up in families where there is a lot of anger and conflict or families where divorce/separation are seen as normal.

We are all a product of nature and nurture.

I can see that the house owner might prefer two wages coming in, I don’t see it as a single parent thing.
Personally, I think single women who have given their kids their own surname have got it right.

In general no, I know some amazing single mothers and I had friends growing up brought up by single mothers that had a fantastic upbringing and are happy, well adjusted adults. However as PP said I would judge if they have kids they can’t afford with a useless man and then end up relying on the state when 90% of the time it should have been obvious he would be a crap father, even more so when this is repeated with multiple fathers. Then again I would also judge two parent families who have more kids than they can afford and are relying on benefits so it’s not specific to single mothers.

Well it takes two people to show that and in my experience (for what it’s worth) there are certain types of men who seem to target single women with children (I think because they feel they will put up with things that others wouldn’t)
By the time you’ve realised that they are useless (the new man) it’s too late

Target? So the woman are forced to have a relationship with them and put the man before their children, these are mature intelligent woman able to thinl for themselves and need to take responsibility for their decision to move a, random person into their children's lives

It is a choice

Too late for what? Surely you would get to know them before jumping in to bed with them or even inviting them into your home? Surely if they had had a string of failed past relationships you would see it as a red flag?

I can't believe no one has told you to go nc with your dad yet, come on mumsnetters what's going on?

I hope your DC don't marry the child of a single parent either....imagine having to have such a judgmental woman like yourself as a MiL,

Single mum here of four. Never been judged from what I know about to my face.
They see their dad still he is not absent. We were married for 13 years. Though 90 percent of their time is with me.
I own my own home, have a professional full time job and my children are thriving, doing well academically. When we separated I did a degree and worked nights from home to achieve this. I have a job which is really flexible so I work around them, this came with proving myself in my job and being reliable etc.
Raising them well, is the hardest and most time consuming things I've ever done, but if you remain focused on the children and providing a stable life for them, one parent is a safe and calm home can be better than a toxic home with frequent arguments.
Perhaps people judge me being my back. I couldn't give a shit if they do tbh!

FFS. You have a crystal vall tgatvtellsbyouvexactkyvwhat thevfuture holds? There are relationshipsvthat breakdown after 30 years or more. Did those women make bad choices?

/And how is the mother expected to control that

Judge parents who abandon their dcs, by all means, but mostly it is the mothers who persevere and should be supported for that.

I'm a single mum and I keep my wedding ring on for this very reason. I know people make assumptions about me when I'm out with my child. I'd rather them assume I fit with their view on how the world should work rather than seeing me as a moral failure. If I get to know someone I'll tell them we're separated but just for casual interactions I let them make assumptions based on the ring.

But lots of couples have children and stay together but dont get married so why would a wedding ring make a difference?

Only on MN. In real-life I can't remember ever feeling judged. Not that I care about random people's thoughts on my family situation.
Single parents are, by and large, amazing, resourceful and resilient, and yes I include myself in that

I think those who are single mothers by design are probably more judged these days.

The judgement has gone nowhere. It's on the rise if anything, thanks to the reform/Andrew tate/traditional values/good family morals bellends

Plus, the growing awareness of the financial support given to autistic children (who only belong to single mums apparently) has created more resentment

As a black single mum of an autistic girl, I notice the judgement from others 😞

Yanbu xx

I got turned down by landlords for being a single mum so that’s definitely a thing. Generally, I haven’t had any negativity though. If anything, peoole have said they admire me. I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take the compliment 😁

I don’t judge them but the housing situation is partially fuelled by single adult occupation which includes single parents since the 1970’s. Sole adult occupancy was running at about 10% in the early 1970’s it’s now at just over 30%. It’s a massive socio economic change that isn’t really taken in to account enough along with the other myriad of issues causing a shortage. The population has increased by 13 million in the UK since then.

Single Mother's were judged harshly but it has changed from my Grandmother’s generation where women were sometimes committed to lunatic asylums to when my Mother was young and she was told to cross the street as a young girl round the corner had a child out of wedlock to the Mother and Baby homes where children were whisked off to be adopted right up to the early 1970’s.

@justsayso I can honestly say I don’t notice wedding rings on anyone. I have been married for what seems forever and had a few years where I didn’t wear mine.

@Eviebeans you are correct about some men targeting single Mothers. Especially vulnerable ones who may have been in a DV situation. It’s all very well people saying how can they not know but people in the same situation have different responses. Plus men like these, it’s all very much boiling frog scenarios and they are not what they appear to be.

“ I would worry if my own children married children of single parent households”
This is up there with one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read on mumsnet 🤣🤣
Let’s hope your kid never dates my kid. Not only is she a “victim” of a single parent household, but she also has two mums 😱 the horror. Better start saving for therapy now eh 🤣