Do people still judge single mothers?

[purpledaze24]

Not sure what my AIBU is exactly but I’m interested to hear whether people think single mothers are still judged negatively in society. Growing up in the 90s there was always that disgusting attitude of it always being seen as the fault of the single mother for ending up in that situation, they were irresponsible, they were slags etc etc, couldn’t possibly ever be the fault of the man. Obviously we’ve moved on a bit but do you think that attitude still lingers a bit? Or has it gone completely? I’m a single mother and I recently got turned down on a house rental. When I told my dad about this he said “maybe it’s because you’re a single mother”. He’s a boomer and has some pretty outdated views but it shocked (and kinda hurt) me that he could think that would be a reason. My finances (which I proved to the house owners) are very good and I could more than afford the house. It would never occur to me that that’d be a reason. AIBU? Or have the stereotypes/judgement disappeared?

Strange how in your story you try make the affair partner the bad guy for going back to his wife

I admit I sometimes judge in the sense that I have huge admiration for single mothers, I think they are amazing by default. But this is wrong too, some of them are just assholes like any other general group in society.

People judge everyone for everything.

Young mum, older mum, married no kids,married 10 kids, different dads, same feckless dad...

Personally? I judge when women are pregnant for more than once when the sperm donor is a twat, who doesn't help with his dc and then complain that he doesn't pull his weight as if its some great surprise.

Bonus points if he has dc with previous partners, and treats them like shit too. Becuase he won't treat your shared dc like that.

This sounds mental. I can’t believe you’d care that much about what random strangers think about your family situation. People really don’t pay that much attention to other people they don’t know! Never in my life have I seen a mum and a kid in a cafe and thought, ooh I wonder if she’s married or divorced or single or whether she has blinds or curtains in her living room. And I don’t go round staring at people’s hands to see if they have a wedding ring…other people don’t do this to random strangers either, cos honestly why on earth would they care?! The only reason in the world I can think that anyone would be checking someone’s hand for a wedding ring is if they fancied them.

You could just judge on an individual basis.

I’m a single mum and I’ve had nothing but praise and compliments. Yes there are some single mothers who are bad parents but that goes for married ones too, and of course many bad fathers, in the family home or not.

Yes, every situation is different, which is why the OP can't assume she was rejected on anything other grounds than relative financial risk, which may or may not have been linked to her parenting status.

People who split up after 30 years are not usually classed as single parents.

Landlords will often favour couples with a kid where there are two incomes or potential to have two adults earning an income, over single parents who have more earning vulnerability. So your dad clumsily might not be totally wrong.

I think being a single parent doesn’t carry anything like the stigma it used to. There is still stigma having a lot of kids by different fathers and expecting the state to support them (witness huge numbers of MN threads on that topic).

Easier than ever for a man to walk out on a woman he impregnated and leave her financially screwed. So society can hardly blame the women.

I don’t think there is much moral or ethical condemnation for being a single mum any more. I detect more sympathy than judgement.

@Moana987 “if you have multiple children by different fathers then the judgement is worse as it shows that someone has continued to make poor choices after the first one.”
So it was the woman who made the poor choice by dedicating her life to bringing up her child rather than the man who decided to walk out on them? Once again, women get blamed for everything. Not every woman knows a man is going to be a shit father or going to abandon them

And how exactly is that the mother’s fault?

Totally agree. Like the women on this website who are determined to martyr themselves for years (and harm their children) because they had children with a man who later reveals themselves to be a cheat/liar/ lazy but they stay because that is better then being a single parent in their opinion. They too had a child with an inappropriate man.

Principle is the same though? Did they make a so-called bad choice? Where is the cut-off? 5 years, 10 years or more? I mean, I was with my ex 3 years before marriage, having lived together for a year. It was a further 3 years before we had children. I am educated, well travelled and earned my own money. Why is it me, as a single parent, who made the bad choice and not my ex who made a bad choice to sleep with another woman? Why judge me but not him? Why does society call me a burden, spite full time work in teaching, but his refusal to pay child maintenance and fiddle the tax man in the process is a domestic issue, between ex spouses? Why am I labelled a grabby bitch for wanting maintenance when I get a full time wage and related child benefits?

I didn’t make a bad choice. My ex shifted and changed.

But that poster was talking about a woman who has multiple children with different fathers.

Not just a mother who split from one partner who was a poor father.

In the case of a woman who has multiple children with different fathers her decision making is also pretty poor. Having more children with every new man they meet is hardly responsible behaviour.

I agree re my own personal experience of not being judged for being a single mum.

I wonder who the people who are doing the judging are? Are they vocal about it or giving the side eye? Are they family members or friends? They sound awful whoever they are.

Skint estate by Cash Caraway is a great book on this topic. It’s hard to read because she’s pretty brash but she’s also incredibly insightful.

From having been a single mum (professional career BTW, higher rate taxpayer, own home) the most irritating thing is sleazy husbands thinking you’re fair game and bored jealous so called friends speculating and gossiping about your love life. If only they knew it was even more racy in reality!!!

You really cant compare a marriage/relationship of 30 years where the kids are more then likely adults. Its not comparable to splitting up when you have young primary age kids or babies.

Exactly, I’m not referring to someone who’s had one failed relationship, but rather to women who repeatedly choose unsuitable partners to father their children, continuing the same cycle.
They have multiple children by different fathers, yet seem surprised when each relationship breaks down, often despite the fact the man showed countless red flags from the very start and was always a bit of a twat.
It’s as though they don’t realise that having a child with every partner they get involved with isn’t necessary.

This is so sad to read and a prejudice I worry about my children facing when older, despite me providing them with a more loving and stable home than many children whose parents live together.

Children learn about how to manage relationships, conflict, communication, express love in myriad ways through their interactions in the home and with extended family. So many children are messed up by toxicity or even indifference between their parents who both live in their home, that I wonder why you’d think that those raised by single parents would have a more skewed view of relationships on average given data shows that being raised by a single parents is less harmful to children than being raised by two parents in an unhappy relationship (of which there are a large proportion given 50% of marriages end in divorce eventually but often far too late to avoid damage to the children, many people stay married when they shouldn’t).

I really chuckled at that too, but couldn't be bothered to reply. Their subsequent posts also scream - raising children to tie themselves to shit relationships/must maintain relationship at all costs, but I judge ☹️.

Of course some children are better off in their single parent households - that is not in question. But the factors that led to the break up are key, and obviously not generally visible to outsiders - if one or both parents are difficult to live with, uncompromising, argumentative, narcissistic, selfish, not to mention aggressive, violent, spitefilul, jealous, etc, it increases the odds of the child developing similar traits either through nature or nurture. Add to that the acceptance and normalisation of divorce as a "good" solution to unhappiness, then it intuitively increases the risk of children of divorced parents being at heightened risk of divorce themselves in future - less confident in their own ability to maintain a long term relationship.

I haven't seen any stats around this, hence the word "intuitively". It would be interesting to see some stats.

It's definitely still happening. I experienced it a lot, dd is coming up to 20 now and there are still odd comments made by people. Its very strange.

I've always worked and have a good job but fall into the uc claimant category too which seems to make people very cross.

The difficult thing for me is dd is about to start working on the same wage as me ( she's pulled off an incredible feat) and in one day I'll switch from being a ' single mum on benefits ' to a middle class household with a very good wage. That is a lot to get my head round because I was always the latter, just my abusive husband was the cause of my circumstances.

I agree with this. The stigma is around the perceived poor choice made by the mother in having a baby with someone capable of walking out on his own child.

My ex had an affair when the kids were young at the 12 year point in our marriage How is that a different choice made to having a husband who had an affair at the 30 year point? The point I am making is blaming people for making so-called bad choices is ridiculous. No one has a crystal ball and we can never know how things will pan out .

@Dweetfidilove

What an ancient attitude they have

Does not make any sense to me

I had a cousin who had to leave her abusive alcoholic husband

My aunts were like
How could she
What happened to your vows etc ?!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooo