Do people still judge single mothers?

[purpledaze24]

Not sure what my AIBU is exactly but I’m interested to hear whether people think single mothers are still judged negatively in society. Growing up in the 90s there was always that disgusting attitude of it always being seen as the fault of the single mother for ending up in that situation, they were irresponsible, they were slags etc etc, couldn’t possibly ever be the fault of the man. Obviously we’ve moved on a bit but do you think that attitude still lingers a bit? Or has it gone completely? I’m a single mother and I recently got turned down on a house rental. When I told my dad about this he said “maybe it’s because you’re a single mother”. He’s a boomer and has some pretty outdated views but it shocked (and kinda hurt) me that he could think that would be a reason. My finances (which I proved to the house owners) are very good and I could more than afford the house. It would never occur to me that that’d be a reason. AIBU? Or have the stereotypes/judgement disappeared?

Yes, thousands - approximately 26500 in fact: https://www.actiononemptyhomes.org/facts-and-figures

That's small fry compared to the estimated 3.1 million single parent families and their absentee parents.

You only have to read Mumsnet to know judgement is universal
Single mums - irresponsible
Sahm - lazy/ bad example
Wohm- detached
To many kids - drain in resources
One kid - lonely
No kids - selfish
The list goes on and on.

Of course they do, it’s rife even on MN.

You should have known better than to have children with an unsuitable man
If you want government help then you have to accept you will be judged for it
You should have stayed for the kids because he wasn’t physically abusive

These are all things I’ve been told on here.

Why the heck do you keep going on about the absentee ‘parents’ of single parents?
Do you mean the absent fathers of their children?
The absentee parents do not belong to them. In fact, their parents are often helping and supporting with childcare and such like. The absentee parents belong to their children- and if you are decrying single mothers, you are talking about ‘absentee fathers’ so your issue is with them.

🤣🤣🤣

It is time that we stopped using the term ‘Single mother’. It is derogatory and encourages negative judgement. We don’t refer to the ‘absent father’ - perhaps we should?
Yes there is still stigma. In fact I think it has got worse over the last 10 years.

Single mothers aren't one homogeneous group.

For me it depends on the circumstances.

I will say at the outset that I am the child of a single parent household. It was just my mum and two kids. I won't go into what happened with my dad but he wasn't around.

Whatever happened between my parents wasn't my fault. I'm not sure I was ever judged for it in any major way to be honest. I did feel a sense of longing for wishing I had a dad.

I mean, shit happens, relationships, go wrong.Nobody should be judged for that.

However I know someone, old neighbour, who became a single parent by choice. Late thirties and feeling as if she was in the last chance, saloon for children. One day she came and just said she was pregnant. I wasn't aware she was in a relationship and she wasn't. I won't go into the details but just know she use the i'm on the pill trick. That didn't work and he it didn't stick by her. They were never in a relationship.And she was with somebody just to try and get pregnant. More fool him for not using protection himself.I know she's not only the one to blame.

I wouldn't judge that too harshly either provided you ve got the means to give this child a good life.

This woman however did not. She had a long term chronic health condition that she knew about. She knew it had the potential to get worse. She was not in stable housing and was renting on the private market. Her job is not necessarily stable because of her health condition. She could need to take time off and quite a lot of it. She still planned a child alone under those circumstances.

Now the child is primary school age.They live an absolutely chaotic life. Mum is frequently ill and frequently in hospital.Because her health condition has worsened. With no dad around the kid often goes to school in the morning, mum has a relapse and it's too ill to collect him. So kid gets picked up by whatever friend is able to collect him and doesn't go home for a few days. Kid has to stay at random's friend's house until mum is well enough to come home. Both of her parents are old and there's a limit to the help they can provide.

Kid is quite rightly nervous, anxious, and acts up when mum is ill and their behavior is challenging at school during bouts of illness. Mum refuses to tell the school about her health condition and the chaotic life her child is leading because of it in case they involve social services, which they probably would. So the kid is being asked at school, not to tell anyone that their mum is ill so they can't talk about it. The school is harsh with the poor kid over the bad behavior because they don't know the circumstances.Giving rise to it. Because it benefits the mother again, not the child to keep it quiet.

Mum refuses to discuss point blank the identity of the father with anyone, and has never raised it as a subject with her child. It's a touchy subject, you can't talk about it. And she refuses to even start the discussion with the child. It benefits her to keep this quiet as she doesn't wanna talk about it. And it benefits her to keep her illness quiet in case the school involves social services.

Her life absolutely was not set up to be a single parent. And it is absolute chaos for the child. I absolutely one hundred percent judge her for planning this and doing it deliberately.

Apologies I will need to add to my list - partially responsible for housing shortage. I own my house too. Gasp.

Must also blame my mum who lives alone after my dad died. Must blame dad too for dying. How inconsiderate of him.
Also one of my work colleagues who has been single for a long time and just bought her first house.

Us scummy singletons should be living in house shares for eternity. We must do our bit for the housing crisis.

I'm not sure if they're judged the same in general but they definitely are on MN ime.

Slags OMFG

Being prejudice about single mothers is the one prejudice people are loud and proud about.

They do. But different types of single mum are viewed differently.

Oddly, people were unpleasant as they assumed I was a young single mum on benefits with kids by multiple dads - I was at this time married to the father of both my children (but was very young for this). People's demeanor towards me would very obviously change when they discovered they were wrong; professionals especially, sadly but in church and at playgroups also.

When me and their dad split up, I was still very young for this. Same assumptions were made as when they were babies, but (and particularly oddly to my mind) people, again particularly professionals (looking at you Job Centre Plus...) were much nicer on finding out the same dad and divorced. Even though I actually was living on benefits either way. Bizarre.

The kids are pre/teens now, it was the same until I started cohabiting with my partner a few years ago, so fairly recently. It really was quite apparent, particularly at church, nursery, Job Centre, (church) school and midwifery services.

🙄

I think that whilst there is an element of luck, are those who end up as single mothers people who have chosen to procreate with someone at the right time for the right reason?
I often wonder this. Of course people can change or pretend to be someone they are not ……

I wonder if there are more single mothers these days because either party are less committed or less willing to work at any issues and throw the towel in earlier …

They might be in the wider world but not by me. It's often harder but way more successful for everyone 🤷‍♀️

As a single mother myself, I will say that there is definitely still a social stigma attached to single mothers unfortunately. There is often an assumption that we are feckless with loose morals, and that we are living in a council house on benefits while being unemployed, People don’t tend to think of single mothers as people like myself, divorced following domestic abuse and working as a GP, or my sister-in-law who was widowed after my younger brother collapsed and died in his 30s out of the blue. Yet we are both single mothers.

Definitely still a stigma attached. I stayed with my Ex for longer than I should have to avoid it.

As a high earning (top 5%), professional, home owning, woman who also happens to be a single parent to 2 DC, I’m open about my circumstances so people realise it can be done.

@playdoughed
I don't judge single mothers any more than single fathers, and I judge absentee parents much more, but I do think that children of single parent households are damaged by the experience and may find it more difficult to form stable two-parent households when they become adults. For that reason, I would worry if my own children married children of single parent households. Call that a prejudice if you like, but I think you have to know what a loving long term relationship looks like in order to form and maintain one

Prejudiced, perhaps. Ignorant? Unintelligent? Arrogant? Certainly.

A life must be fairly narrow to assume that a child can only form a stable romantic partnership if their parents remained married or un-widowed.

What utter piffle.

I'm surprised by these answers.

I've been a single mum for 15 years. Completely alone, no family support. In that time I've had only one sneery comment, and that wasn't from anyone worth listening to.

Personally I think most single mums are brilliant, hard working, devoted to their dcs and coping in some horrendously difficult circumstances. They put in extraordinary hours and are worth ten times their absentee exs, 😊

😂😂😂😂

My ex has just had his house repossessed (through absolutely his own foolish actions) so now is it ok that I own mine ? One house per two adults meets your standards? 🙄

No one judges single mothers for being single
judging mothers continues however with renewed gusto

When I still lived in the UK I was turned down by private landlords more than once because I had a DC. It’s illegal to do that where I live now, thank goodness.

Yes they do I see these types of comments all over instagram

There is definitely judgement. When I’m out with a brother and my children, we can be mistaken for a nuclear family and we get warm indulgent smiles.

When I’m out normally with my children, I get none of those lovely warm smiles.

If there’s an option for a single mum to rent a house that she can afford, or another applicant with a man there, the family with a man will always be chosen. Doesn’t matter how well a woman can provide on her own or would be better without the man, we are a long way off picking the woman however accenting and equal we think we are now