Page 7 | To cancel our weeekend away?

Pungifries · 2025-08-07T22:49:06+00:00

BF of 1 year celebrated his 40th earlier. I pushed the boat out and booked a beautiful countryside lodge with hot tub. Could only book this coming weekend due to respective childcare and work commitments. He has told me today that he’s struggling for money and would love to go but can’t spend any money. So the planned pub lunches and nice wine will either not happen or I have to fund… However he was on a 5 day stag part abroad last week….. to not drip feeding, he already owes me some money (agreed prior) for a trip we went on earlier in the year he’s a lovely man and the relationship is good , but AIBU to cancel the trip and not pay for everything ? I’ve said that we can cancel and use the money for a nice meal and wine instead ….

Goodadvice1980 · 08/08/2025 18:52

How much does he owe you OP?

THEDEACON · 08/08/2025 19:02

For a 40th birthday Id have expected to pay everything myself but Id have been annoyed he spent out on a stag do when he owed me money

MCF86 · 08/08/2025 19:03

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 18:28

I think everyone going in on this guy is pretty harsh. You mentioned he had kids in your original post but conveniently left out that he not just has kids but also an ex-wife. We all know divorces can wipe out a big chunk of your money especially where it is contentious.

Also, presuming you have always outearned him since this relationship began, why get into a relationship with a man who earns less than you and then complain about him not being able to afford the things you want to do? You talk about him going on a 5 day stag-do trip but when was this planned? Maybe he’s been slowly paying or saving towards it vs this birthday getaway that you’ve planned with what sounds like less notice.

You mention him being a kind man who listens to you, cares for you and who you trust so I would focus on those things if I were you. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking the piss out of you because he’s been upfront about not being able to afford fancy dinners before you’ve gone away just so there’s no misunderstanding. Stop lending him money if it’s bothering you. He should have other people in his life that he can borrow from.

You are not being unreasonable to cancel the trip if he’s not able to afford the fancy extras. I’m quite traditional-leaning myself and prefer when a man pays for dinner so wouldn’t want to be paying for a man so I get it.

To offer up a different perspective to those saying dump him and find a new man, most (not all) high earning men are not really trying to get into relationships with 40-something year old (guessing your age) single mums. So giving this guy up to find a guy who’s a high earner might leave you single for a while. The high earning men who do enter into relationships with 40-something year old single mums likely will not have the traits and characteristics you describe your current man as having.

But none of that changes the fact he chose to go on a stag do he wasnt even initially invited to rather than honour commitments he's made to OP.
He filled a space someone else dropped out of, even though

he already owed OP money and has not been paying back as agreed so far
knew they had a weekend away coming up
can't even afford to feed himself properly because of it. At best, that's irresponsible, isn't it?

I totally get that divorce is expensive, and that he may pay out a lot in maintenance, and he doesn't earn as much as OP. But none of that changes the fact he made a decision which clearly shows that what he has with OP isn't as important as going on the piss with his mates. That doesn't scream long term potential and she'd be wise to save herself some time and money.

whistlesandbells · 08/08/2025 19:04

He has absolutely no money so cannot even cover his own food when he is away? He owes you money from a previous trip? He preferred to go on a stag weekend knowing this would wipe out any money towards this pre-agreed, heavily subsidized trip? Yes it was for his birthday this trip but that does not mean you pay for everything.

You can cancel it and get a full refund. Do so now. Tell him you’re not willing to go and cover all the costs. Leave it at that and pull right back.

Total piss take to fuck this over when you have your own child and presumably had to plan it when children are with the other parent(s).

You deserve better.

Dingledongledell · 08/08/2025 19:10

Oh my goodness, so many shallow, grabby spiteful people in this thread. Would you say the same if the woman was skint and the man was rich??? Ditching someone because he’s not as rich as you? If you split he’d have had a very lucky escape. Sheesh!!!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 08/08/2025 19:13

Sorry OP. I appreciate this was a surprise you booked, however, a man who cannot afford £100 because he is not financially savvy enough to have savings is a 🚩 once you are past your 20’s in my humble opinion.

My DH earns less than me, not massively significant, but less, but he saves and puts toward our joint expenses.

Our holiday this coming week he has paid half for despite me not being too worried about it as we are 12 years in, married for 4, and all money just really is out of one pot whether it’s my account or his at this point.

I will say though I do have a stepson who will be with us, SS13 (nearly 14) so I suppose if you wanted to split hairs I am technically subsidising him, but, in truth, given he’s never known anything other than having me in his life and I love him dearly (which he returns) I don’t really care about that, he’s a kid who deserves all the best things and experiences at the end of the day.

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 19:14

iamnotalemon · 08/08/2025 18:32

I don’t think the OP has said anything about wanting a higher earner but I think someone who pays their way and doesn’t borrow money from her and not pay her back isn’t a lot to ask.

You’ve basically said she should settle for this because she won’t find anyone better being a single mum at her age. The things people will put up with not to be single!!

Show quote history

Well how long has he owed her this money? I imagine and assume if he wants to continue this relationship with her, he has plans to pay her back? Was there an expected date for him to pay her back that has since passed, I didn’t catch this from the OP if so.

OP is absolutely in her right not to lend him money if she doesn’t want to or if it bothers her. I’ve personally never lent a man I’ve been in a romantic relationship with money and I wouldn’t without very good reason and only if I really saw the relationship heading somewhere.

I am in no way saying that she should just settle with a man that sounds to be a bit tight on money what I’m saying is, understand he earns less so has less means to enjoy the fancier things in life, put a boundary on the money lending and enjoy the good qualities he has - which in this time of dating - counts for something OR let this relationship go but accept that higher earning men may not have those qualities and may not be looking for a single mum in her 40s.

Blueberry911 · 08/08/2025 19:32

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 19:14

Well how long has he owed her this money? I imagine and assume if he wants to continue this relationship with her, he has plans to pay her back? Was there an expected date for him to pay her back that has since passed, I didn’t catch this from the OP if so.

OP is absolutely in her right not to lend him money if she doesn’t want to or if it bothers her. I’ve personally never lent a man I’ve been in a romantic relationship with money and I wouldn’t without very good reason and only if I really saw the relationship heading somewhere.

I am in no way saying that she should just settle with a man that sounds to be a bit tight on money what I’m saying is, understand he earns less so has less means to enjoy the fancier things in life, put a boundary on the money lending and enjoy the good qualities he has - which in this time of dating - counts for something OR let this relationship go but accept that higher earning men may not have those qualities and may not be looking for a single mum in her 40s.

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OR let this relationship go but accept that higher earning men may not have those qualities and may not be looking for a single mum in her 40s.

Do you have a complex or something? Because you've mentioned this twice now when it's completely irrelevant. Get a grip.

JustMeAndTheFish · 08/08/2025 19:34

Have you actually talked to him about all this OP?

JLou08 · 08/08/2025 20:17

I wouldn't cancel. A beautiful countryside lodge with a hot tub doesn't need expensive dining out. Just go to the Supermarket and cook what you would at home so there's no extra cost.
If my boyfriend of a year booked me a weekend away for my birthday then cancelled it because I couldn't pay for us to go out whilst there I would be reconsidering the relationship to be honest.

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 20:20

Blueberry911 · 08/08/2025 19:32

OR let this relationship go but accept that higher earning men may not have those qualities and may not be looking for a single mum in her 40s.

Do you have a complex or something? Because you've mentioned this twice now when it's completely irrelevant. Get a grip.

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Others have also mentioned that she should just dump him and find a new man, perhaps they have a complex too. You don’t want to point that out because you’re biased.

The dating market is tough. We all have to accept the good sides and down sides of whoever we choose to date as do they with us. We all also have to determine what down sides we are willing to put up with or not put up with, that is a personal choice.

If you don’t want to downgrade some of your lifestyle choices so that you can equally enjoy dates and going outs with the person you’ve chosen to date without either of you feeling pressured either way to upkeep the other or keep up with the other, then make it a point to date someone who earns equally or more than you. Don’t date a broke man and go in on him because he has money issues or because now you’ve gotten caught up lending him money.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/08/2025 20:20

'The money he owes me is for a holiday for all of us (5 people) that we’d agreed to go halves on.'

I have a feeling that what he owes the Op is quite a bit, and she is embarrassed at the amount and annoyed / angry at how long he is taking on repaying his debt.

I have a feeling it's not fifty quid he owes, and would not be surprised based on the above if we are looking at £1,000+

Hopefully the weekend away is now cancelled and the Op receives her refund promptly !

Poopeepoopee · 08/08/2025 20:21

Dingledongledell · 08/08/2025 19:10

Oh my goodness, so many shallow, grabby spiteful people in this thread. Would you say the same if the woman was skint and the man was rich??? Ditching someone because he’s not as rich as you? If you split he’d have had a very lucky escape. Sheesh!!!

You think it's ok for a man to want a women who physically looks good but it's not ok for a woman to want a man who is financially solvent?

Genuine question.

TY78910 · 08/08/2025 20:22

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 00:13

I do earn quite a lot more than him.
BUT I’m a single mum and feel extras should go to my child, not subsidising my bf (does that sound harsh, don’t meant it to)

You are totally right there and that’s a more long term consideration.

The trip in question is a birthday gift you had planned and that was your decision at the time. He couldn’t exactly open the card and say oh that’s lovely Pungifries but I can’t afford to go. Thanks for the thought though. So either you pay as you organised it, or not go. Although taking back a gift is also a bit weird

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 20:29

Poopeepoopee · 08/08/2025 20:21

You think it's ok for a man to want a women who physically looks good but it's not ok for a woman to want a man who is financially solvent?

Genuine question.

Show quote history

Why did she pick him then? Did he have a good job, earning lots then fall on hard times, now is in a lesser earning job resulting in the whole financial dynamic of the relationship changing?

To give you a similar example to yours, it’s like a man getting with a larger woman and then complaining about her weight and her bad eating habits.

indoorplantqueen · 08/08/2025 20:30

if I booked to take my DH away for his 40th (or any birthday) I’d expect to cover it all (or most of it bar a round of drinks). It would be the same if it was the other way round too.

Poopeepoopee · 08/08/2025 20:44

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/08/2025 20:29

Why did she pick him then? Did he have a good job, earning lots then fall on hard times, now is in a lesser earning job resulting in the whole financial dynamic of the relationship changing?

To give you a similar example to yours, it’s like a man getting with a larger woman and then complaining about her weight and her bad eating habits.

Show quote history

Theres a difference between being attractive and being financially solvent.

Being attractive is immediately obvious.

Being financially solvent takes more time to become apparent.

As the OP has recently discovered!

Poopeepoopee · 08/08/2025 20:46

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/08/2025 20:20

'The money he owes me is for a holiday for all of us (5 people) that we’d agreed to go halves on.'

I have a feeling that what he owes the Op is quite a bit, and she is embarrassed at the amount and annoyed / angry at how long he is taking on repaying his debt.

I have a feeling it's not fifty quid he owes, and would not be surprised based on the above if we are looking at £1,000+

Hopefully the weekend away is now cancelled and the Op receives her refund promptly !

I agree. It was also probably a holiday for her and her kid and for him and his 2 kids. It's sad really.

Original poster

Pungifries · 08/08/2025 21:03

Hi all, sorry I’m only just catching up, been at work.

to be clear, we had discussed a weekend away/ lodge type break for his birthday prior to me booking it , and the original plan was always that he would contribute to food etc. We made plans together as to what we would like to do in the area.
He regularly eats out with friends at least once a week , so can normally afford it and it would not break the bank if he did it this weekend, as agreed and promised (if not for the stag do).

I have spoken to him about it and as he feels so bad at having spent up on the stag do that we’ve decided to cancel and use the money (full refund) to go for a nice meal instead.

and yes @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon and @Poopeepoopee you are both spot on, I’m very embarrassed, it’s north of the figure you said and yes, it was also a hol with my little one. He promised to repay within 4 months and as yet, I’ve had about 5% back, but always a reason why.
he was 100% in favour and encouraging this holiday. Probably more so than me, so was certainly not a situation of me pushing him into it because I can afford.

if the lodge was a one off incident, I would absolutely cover it..but it’s all the circumstances / events together that made me reach out to Mumsnet for a head wobble.

@CrumbsInMyBra , I understand where you’re coming from and absolutely see more in him than a bank balance.
It’s more the lack of sincerity and breach of trust, actions speaking louder than words etc etc that concerns me for the future. If this is the deal I have to take, I would rather be a spinster than a fool whatever my age.

OP posts:

TangibleLemon · 08/08/2025 21:17

...we’ve decided to cancel and use the money (full refund) to go for a nice meal instead.

Pleeeeeeease tell me you're not still going to use your money to pay for a nice meal after all you've said above? Get him binned off.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/08/2025 21:32

I think he has no intention of repaying you.
There will always be another excuse i.e. Christmas is coming, needs money for presents for his children.

'we’ve decided to cancel and use the money (full refund) to go for a nice meal instead.'

er no, it is not a we decision, it's your money again and as always.

and actually he can't afford to sit there and eat / drink whilst you pay, yet again.

I would even postpone this meal until payday / after pay day, and this gives him the opportunity to start paying his debt.

PringlesTube · 08/08/2025 21:35

Dingledongledell · 08/08/2025 19:10

Oh my goodness, so many shallow, grabby spiteful people in this thread. Would you say the same if the woman was skint and the man was rich??? Ditching someone because he’s not as rich as you? If you split he’d have had a very lucky escape. Sheesh!!!

He owes her money already and plans to go away with her and let her pay for everything, yet he can still afford to pay for himself to go on a 5 day jolly abroad? That’s ok is it?

Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 08/08/2025 21:38

A year in and he owes you north of a grand yet goes on a 5day stag leaves himself short of money for proper food.
Even if someone is treating you to a weekend away you still have to take money with you.
ALARM BELLS ARE Ringing op .

grumpygrape · 08/08/2025 21:47

Sorry OP, I think you’ve been Love Bombed and taken for a Cash Cow. He may be ‘lovely’ but he doesn’t pay his debts. Bin.

whynotwhatknot · 08/08/2025 22:04

he owes you over a grand and went and spent money on 5 day stag do and your4e still taking hijm out for his birthday

get a grip