Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

I would go back and say you are going to the wedding, it’s up to her if she attends or not

I get she maybe hurting but she is wrong to take it out on you and get your friends involved

I think this quote is key,

'Some of what she has said to me has been absolutely absurd, and on occasion verging on unhinged.'

She IS unhinged. The poor girl is having a massive downturn in her mental health due to their inability to conceive. Even the husband wants to stop IV because it's so traumatic for them.

I think you have to mentally stand RIGHT back from the situation and just sit in sympathy (in your head, not in contact with her) for her.

But you also are allowed (of course) to go to the wedding. Of course, no one can dictate where others go and what they do. Completely keep your distance from her at the wedding. If she starts to react, move away from her and avoid her. But I do think you're right that you shouldn't have to isolate yourself from her.

She's in the worst stage of grief right now for the children she'll never have. The insanity of bereavement as it were.

You don't have to be friends again if you don't want to. But equally, I think you need to forget her giving you an apology. She is not in her right mind at the moment. Despite her having hurt you, I think you have to just put it in the past and move on.

This. I'd also tell him to make sure she stays well away from you as she's caused you more than enough stress already.

Have you lost your mind OP? Do not give this nonsense any airtime whatsoever. This “friend” was literally trying to guilt you into having an abortion! Go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, and live your life. Have nothing to do with this woman again. I would not want that negative energy and harmful wishes around me or my children.

Your friend is being insane. It's not your fault she's not pregnant and she's being grossly unfair taking it out on you.

If she implied you shouldn't keep the baby she would not be seeing me again. Step too far imo.

I have messaged her husband last night to let him know we will both be at the wedding, just so they know. I’ve said I’m happy to keep my distance from them, or be polite if we are in closer proximity (bride says we are not seated together) but that I am going.

He has replied that he never expected otherwise, that of course we should both go and he’s sorry about the situation. I’ve said I hope he is ok and that she is getting the support she needs.

There's a million amd one things she 'could have' said.

None for them would have been right because she is pregnant and that is what the friend is angry about.

But also, I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of retrospective policing of how someone responds in a highly stressful situation when they are under attack.

Thi was a very hostile, unpleasant and unexpected encounter for the OP. Her feelings matter too.

I have been in the same shoes as your friend and it’s really, really tough and heartbreaking for her, but she is way out of order for having a go at you, it’s non of her business and she needs to take a step back and apologise for her outburst. Many of my friends had one, two or three children in the space of us trying, although it was painful inside I’d have never ever had berated them for it, it is a terrible type of envy and unfortunately it’s got the better of her this time. You did the right thing telling her, I’ve appreciate things like that in the past, and just let her calm down and come to you when she’s ready.

I've got to say though - I do feel for the bride and groom. It would be a shame if there's a massive fight that ends up spoiling their day and taking the attention from them. I would definitely advise completely avoiding your 'friend', and making sure both husbands are on board with keeping you as far away from each other as possible. Also check you're not seated anywhere near each other.

You are not being unreasonable! Go to the wedding and just ignore her. I’ve had 2 friends with fertility problems, both had different reactions but neither were like your friend! Understandable to be a bit mean or avoid you for her own sanity but definitely unreasonable to be so nasty and also demand you don’t go to your friends wedding!

You 100% should go. You have done nothing wrong she is being completely barmy!!

i thankfully have 2 IVF miracles. Is it hard yes. Did I sob when my 17 year niece got pregnant yes. My friends mum was an ICU nurse for babies born with addictions to drugs and alcohol. Did I curse all them women who were having babies and not even bothered yes.

but I was also super happy for my friends and family while they announced their pregnancies. My friend called me to let me know she was pregahbt with her 3rd the day my IVF failed - she didn’t know it had failed and she wanted to make sure I heard about her baby from her and my mum and her mum are neighbours. She was sobbing, I was happy for her. She then found out about my fail and felt awful but it’s not the world’s fault!!

she needs to accept that the world moves on and yes it’s awful and yes she can go home an curse you, and cry and hate you a bit. But she shouldn’t be nasty and 100% should not be blaming you and expecting you to miss out

I can only imagine her side is you contacted her and were quite jolly/flippant re how you got pregnant without even trying- otherwise it would be hard to get anyone even partially on ‘her side’- irrational and wrong of course - you did your absolute best with kindness.
It’s a shame it’s led to conflict like this, it’s rather dramatic on her side, guess she feels dramatic about everything.
But the wedding is just wow as it’s not actually her wedding to dictate guest lists. Many folk attend celebrations and wakes with others that they actually can’t abide but generally just avoid as much as possible and be civil. Totally irrational of her to say you’re ’taking it away’ again, it’s not her day. If I genuinely couldn’t cope with a person at a wedding I wouldn’t go - you can do your drama llama act still saying it was their fault so why is she thinking she needs to stop you going. Sounds like the entire day will be taken over by her dramatics tbh - whether you’re there or not.
She definitely needs some sort of help, but she’s made it more than clear it wouldn’t be from you anyway. Don’t let it spoil your day, life, pregnancy- you sound very reasoned and rational but it still must be sad that any excitement from your friends is entirely moderated by this person.
Btw I was brought up to think it’s rude and too personal to ask re TTC - but I’m old.
Best wishes to you OP.

I think you've handled this really magnanimously.

Well done Op! You’ve handled this compassionately and with a lot of dignity

She should not have asked!! Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear the answer.

And that’s not what OP said, but you know that.

Why do you think the onus is on the OP not to respond, rather than on the "friend" not to ask in the first place?

It’s absolutely ridiculous and frankly outrageous of her to even think she can demand that you cannot attend the wedding of your mutual friends! I am glad you are going and agree with GreyCarpet that you have handled this all with dignity. I am glad that her husband knows about all the varying aspects and is therefore better equipped to help her. Poor woman - she is deranged by grief but is behaving very, very badly especially when you tried to be so sensitive about how you told her your news. I am sorry that this has been such a nasty experience for you OP.

I had a similar situation with a very close friend of mine (although the point of contention was wildly different). What I did was I gave her a lot of space to process what was happening and she did take months and months to come around. I tried several times to speak to her, but she would just lash out in a very illogical way. So I decided to send her a long letter saying how sorry I was about the situation and where we have ended up and that I understood she was upset and needed time to process it. I said that I value her a lot and will give her some space, but that I fully expect for things to settle down and talk about it when she is ready. I also warned her that we will lose our friendship if things continued in this way and not because I will unfriend her but because ill feelings will continue to fester and this will eventually cause irreparable damage. We manage to come out of it and continued our friendship, but it took time, patience and understanding.

In your place, I would send her a letter to express how sorry you are she is going through such a difficult time and you can understand her feelings of pain and loss and needing to lash out. Let her know you value her and you miss her and you hope this is not the end of your friendship. Let her know you will be going to the wedding but will be keeping your distance and that you will be here for her if she wants to talk this out so you can both find a way forward.

I know you are angry and hurt. I would not skip the wedding and I would not avoid other situations where she is present, but you can give her space and let her know that you understand her pain. You can give her kindness and time to process it all. Tell her you understand and tell her you are there for her. Basically approach this situation with kindness even though you are hurting and angry yourself (and with good reason). This you can definitely give her. Best of luck to you both.

I’m so sorry to hear that you went through this. x

Just a word of warning - do NOT be alone with this woman at any point during the wedding, even if she requests a ‘private word’. She is clearly a very upset woman going through her own trauma who is wrongfully taking out her anger on you and this means that things could get heated if you’re alone with her or there may even be a very slight chance things could be dangerous.

So that you’re not taken by surprise, prepare a simple reply you can give if she asks you to talk to her alone. Maybe something like “I’m just here to enjoy [Bride and groom’s] big day. Not today, sorry.” If she asks again, just repeat “Not today”.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and please don’t allow this drama to take up too much of your emotional energy right now; it’s not worth it. Just focus on enjoying the next few months.

But OP wasn’t trying. How else was she supposed to explain it when the friend started slating her? Accidentally fell on a penis completely naked and got pregnant? Whichever way you look at this the friend is taking it way too far. It’s not other peoples fault she can’t conceive and expecting people to treat her differently is the real problem here. And now dictating who can and can’t go to someone else’s wedding? Come on, that’s totally out of line.

I think the only thing you’ve done wrong is discussing the falling out with your other two friends.
Go to the wedding but keep quiet and don’t engage with any further chat with others about mad text messages or similar. She’s obviously in a bad pace, but thats not your circus.
Channel the late queen, “Don’t complain, don’t explain” to anyone!

Jealousy is a hell of a thing and life isn't fair but that doesn't mean that she can say such awful things to you. She cannot see past this at the moment and in your shoes I would struggle to continue the friendship.

Go to the wedding and enjoy your new baby!

and you've said this woman isn't a 'close' friend to you; she is part of a group of friends and she thinks she can berate you for drinking in the early stages of a pregnancy that you didn't plan and not following a healthier lifestyle than you 'should' if you were TTC?! I'm not surprised you blew your stack and ended the call.

Whilst I have every sympathy for this lady and how devastating it must be for her, this does not give her the right to berate you in such a manner. Seeing your last update, I'm glad the H is being far more generous with his understanding but I wonder if his wife/your friend will see it as him not supporting her. I hope this 'friend' of yours gets the help she clearly needs.