Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

This, and with the She also said I would have been drinking before I knew I was pregnant (true) and how would I feel if something is wrong with the baby? Did I really want to keep it, seeing as it was unplanned? I admit I was really upset and angry, that’s when I said I thought she was being really rude and ended the call. she is beyond unhinged and very very cruel.

Do all the apologists for her horrible behaviour still have huge sympathy for this awful woman?

Entirely different situation but I adopted the "don't complain, don't explain" and "least said soonest mended" approach in a situation where someone turned on me and was badmouthing me to others.

Unfortunately, without my side to temper things, it was assumed my silence was an admission of guilt and I lost an entire long standing friendship group because they supported the one whose emotions were big and raw and ignored the one who appeared cold.and hard assuming everything the other person said was right an my silence was simply because I had no defence.

The truth eventually came out and people apologised but too much damage had been done. They even admitted that her version of events didn't make sense but they were so caught up in supporting her that it felt unkind to challenge her. And I had said nothing.

Theory doesn't always translate well into practice.

As long as you think you can keep your cool if she is inevitably unpleasant, I'd go.

It’s disgusting isn’t it? Literally wishing harm on a much wanted unborn baby. I would never be alone with this woman or let my children be in her presence ever again. She is not just upset, she is unhinged.

Why should OP have kept quiet? We really need to stop telling women to keep quiet when they are subjected to poor behaviour. I would shout this from the rooftops personally - it’s scary behaviour that needs to be checked.

I think for any of us any personality weakness comes out far more at times of intense stress and she is incredibly stressed and clearly has a quite disordered personality.

Whether that is a temporary or permanent thing time will tell but personally I don’t think there is any way back for this so I would just find a path forward through it.

You're nicer than me because the things she said are pretty unforgivable and I wouldn't be polite to her, I'd ignore her completely.

Your message to her DH was just right Op and he clearly doesn't blame you for the falling out. Go to the wedding but stay clear. I'm afraid after the comments about your baby I'd consider the friendship to be over

Absolutely awful things for her to have said and I'm not sure, tbh, she deserves another chance at a friendship with OP should she come to her senses down the line. Borders on the unforgiveable imo, as she essentially suggested you should end your pregnancy because it wasn't planned. How absolutely vile.

Go to the wedding with your head up, You haven't done anything wrong.

She has.

And like another poster said above, OP, do NOT let her try to get you alone at the wedding under the pretext of talking. Make sure you're never alone at the wedding so she can't ambush you either. It won't end well and it wouldn't be appropriate to do this at your friend's wedding anyway.

OP has NOT done anything wrong.

OP was perfectly entitled to talk about her distress and what has happened, especially as it was so unhinged and unexpected from the other woman.

And frankly, by staying silent, it means only one side is heard and that usually ends badly for the person who has stayed silent, even when they are 100% the wronged party.

In your situation, I would mute her till the wedding is over and then block her on everything. I think I would still answer her calls if I was in a private spot to listen, but I would hang up if she started with the abuse again. I would be willing consider her apology, in case she makes any.

But, seriously, OP, she sounds hugely entitled and is treating you like an emotional punching bag. She is hurting so she feels like she can lash out at others who have what she can't have. It's the type of emotional immaturity you would expect from a teenager, not an adult woman.

You handled the situation in the best way you could OP. To be honest there was no perfect way to deliver your news. No matter how you presented it, your friend just couldn’t cope with hearing it. The unfairness of her inability to conceive has made her irrational. She’s basically using you as a kind of therapy to vent her anger at the universe and that is completely unfair of her. Fourteen years ago my SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, just a couple of weeks’ difference. Mine turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy and it was so painful to see her growing pregnancy and also watch her baby and think mine would have been at those same milestones. I was angry and hurt and even bitter. She was very sensitive to my situation and, while I appreciate it now, I couldn’t have cared less at the time. But I still kept a lid on it because, at some basic level, I knew it wasn’t her fault, despite my ridiculously topsy turvy emotions. Those feelings are natural, but your friend’s behaviour towards you is inexcusable. It’s almost as if she doesn’t see you as a human being anymore, but as a caricature of what she doesn’t have and desperately wants. You did the right thing deciding to go to the wedding. You have every right to be there and her pain, although understandable, shouldn’t prevent you from enjoying your life.

My husband thinks I’m being too nice about it- I’m not usually a people pleaser or a pushover. I do think she is not coping and I think she needs help, not that it’s my place to say so given the circumstances- and so I think I’ve tried to be more passive about it than I would normally be about someone being so unkind to me.

I also really don’t want to put anyone else in the middle of it, it’s awkward and unnecessary. They can’t do anything to change the situation, nor do they wish to.

I think the fact she has tried to involve others is actually going to fracture her support because she’s fallen out with several of our friends who haven’t agreed with her or who have stated they aren’t getting involved. There are 2 friends who are probably closer to her who agree she’s not behaving well but feel her distress deserves a huge amount of leeway and I should just let her get what she wants for now until she is feeling better. I won’t agree to that because I can’t just accede to her whims about where I go or who I see, I’m just not prepared to do that.

I completely agree. Talk about victim blaming. The OP has done nothing wrong, she doesn't need to keep quiet, the shame is not on her.

Disappointment in life does not justify being a cunt.

Go to the wedding. She sounds unhinged. If you don't go, you give her all the power and she will forbid you from going anywhere! The comment about you "stealing if from her" is absurd - you didn't steal her baby! If she says anything I would reply "I haven't taken anything from you. Me being pregnant has literally zero impact on whether your next IVF will be successful".

But OP only told her that she hadn't been actively trying for a baby because her 'friend' got upset because OP hadn't told her that she was trying to conceive and she asked OP why she hadn't told her. Which is worse, OP trying to conceive and not telling her or OP getting pregnant by accident? Her friend would be upset in both scenarios.

I think that in her friend's eyes, the only acceptable course of action that OP could have taken would have been to have a termination and to have not told anyone what had happened.

You've been very kind, which reflects your character.

Had she distanced herself from you, that would have been completely understandable, but the way she's carried on is revolting and reflects poorly on her true character. I suspect even most of those giving her leeway will tire of her eventually

jacks11

I'd also suggest you're still in shock about it all. Both in terms of reaction and what she actually said.

I think your approach so far has been good but I wouldn't rush to forgive. Much like any betrayal, you need time to process this to ensure you make the decision that is right for you in the longer term.

You are correct to go to the wedding and to tell your friends what has happened.
She has been awful.

Your friendship is 100% over.
Avoid her completely at the wedding.

She may take the opportunity to cause drama so stay away from her completely.

She sounds unhinged unfortunately.

There is honestly nothing more you can do. I'd let your bride friend see the messages she's been sending you demanding that you 'don't take another thing' from her, meaning the chance to go to the wedding by stepping back from it yourself. She's being ridiculous and everyone knows it. So long as your bride friend is in no doubt about the tone of the messages from her to you and can see that you've tried to be polite and conciliatory and completely reasonable in your responses to her, then your friend will be in no doubt about who to blame if there is a bad atmosphere at the wedding. She may even feel she must withdraw the invitation from the friend or at least put her on a stern warning to behave.

You can try one last thing which is to kill her with kindness. Send some flowers with a nice handwritten note saying please let's forget this whole unfortunate thing for the sake of our husbands, our mutual friends, the wedding and the historic friendship. You don't want a bad atmosphere to spoil the day and you just want to move past it.

Don't allude to her 'struggling' with her lack of IVF success or say that you understand why she might have overreacted to your news or anything like that. She will feel patronised and made out to be a madwoman, even though she is indeed behaving like a madwoman. Don't accept any blame or responsibilty for what's happened or try to pin any on her. Just ask that it's forgotten now.

If she refuses to be reasonable after that then absolutely everyone will see her for what she is.

@jacks11 Firstly congratulations. Planned or not its a happy time for you and your family and this shouldnt overshadow that.

I was going to write a message but @HeadDeskHeadDesk has basically said what i was going to say.

I would inform the bride but keep it brief and avoid 'bad mouthing'. Perhaps saying you know if must be hard for her etc.

Kill it with kindness is also something i would consider too. Flowers etc. A handwritten letter etc. if nothing else it stacks more chips in your favour if she continues this.

It would kill me to send flowers to someone who had treated me so rudely but it does 'show her up' if she ignores them or whatever, and is more justification for ending the friendship in that case.

Then again, what has the OP got to apologise for. I firmly believe that apologising when you truly don't think you've done wrong is bad for the soul.

I really wouldn't send flowers. She's not going to want a consolation prize from you. I had years of unsuccessful fertility treatment, miscarriage and a stillbirth. I fully understand this woman's distress ., hearing about any pregnancy is hard when you're in her situation, hearing about an accidental one is somehow worse. It makes you feel beyond useless and flowers , if it were me, would make me feel pitied and patronised . She has said some awful things to you, things that should have been screamed into a pillow. I would just keep your distance and leave to her to make amends

She is obviously going through a horrendous time and I really feel for her, but it's not right to take it out on you.

Of course you should go to the wedding.

She should get some counselling.

Wow, that is a nasty, nasty thing to say! So sorry she said that to you @Spindrifts .