Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

I disagree with the posters who said you shouldn't have implied it was an accident

Well, quite.

You have no obligation to tell anyone you're ttc for any reason.

I can see why an accidental pregnancy might feel like a doubly harsh blow when she is trying so hard but you'd have been equally vilified for trying when she also was and you knew how difficult she was finding it.

In her eyes, the only correct thing would have been for no one else to become pregnant.

The rest of it - how you told them, timing, accident or ttc, the wedding is largely irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you had said or done, she, her closest friends (and some posters on here) would have positioned you as being in the wrong.

And that's why you can't worry too much about the minutiae.

It's a can't do right for doing wrong scenario.

I think for me it's telling a woman who has been struggling, that you weren't even trying and it just happened. It just highlights the unfair nature of fertility. Telling her she was pregnant, absolutely not an issue. Telling her that they weren't trying is unnecessary and going to add to the hurt

The alternative wouldn't have been any easier for the friend to hear though, would it?

The friend berated her for not telling her she was ttc. Aside from the fact that it's a private thing and no one should feel they have to share that with anyone for any reason, she couldn't have shared it anyway because it wasn't true. And would the friend really have wanted to know she was ttc (had she been)? Would that have made the news any easier to hear? Or would she just have demanded she stopped ttc?

Like I said the OP couldn't have done right for doing wrong because the only right thing in the friend's eyes would have been for there to be no pregnancy at all.

And what if the OP doesn’t go to the wedding and there’s another pregnant woman there?

Who’s to say the friend won’t kick off/sulk about that? And still ruin the bride and grooms day anyway?

The only person who shouldn’t be going to the wedding is the friend. She obviously can’t handle her emotions and therefore SHE needs to be the one to extract herself from the situation, not OP.

OP not going (when her DH is one of the groomsmen!), would just be enabling friends terrible behaviour. It sets a precedent. Friend gets OP to not attend this, how many others things will she try and stop the OP attending?

OP has done nothing wrong. And by not going to the wedding it would look like OP is agreeing that she’s in the wrong. And it enables the friends poor behaviour further.

The Friend has no business or authority deciding on who attends a wedding. That’s up to the bride and groom.

Years ago, when I had a caesarean, one friend asked if felt I had failed as a woman. She gave birth at the drop of a hat. Sadly, her life with her family brought her a shed load of monumental misery (deeds of family members), that I would not have swopped with her for the world in the light of giving an easy birth. None of us knows what nature or people will throw at us and we need to be gracious and silent in the face of adversity. Your friend is horrible!

Agreed,but it’s also not for those who aren’t/don’t struggle to conceive to dictate to those who do how they should feel about it. Their feelings are their feelings. Not defending the woman, but I’ve been there and know how it can make you want to lash out. It’s very possible that by the time of the wedding she will have calmed down and be able to participate in a civilised way.

And you think OP should just accept it like nothing happened?!

Obviously it’s hard and you can feel whatever you feel.

You can’t tell other people not to come to a friends wedding because of your feelings. It doesn’t matter what’s behind it.

Fertility issues are really hard and everyone has a different experience. You told her about your pregnancy in the most sympathetic way you could- she was the one who phoned you and asked intrusive questions and was rude. I’ve struggled with infertility for years and the way you told your friend would have been the way I would have preferred to find out - i could then have dealt with my emotions in private and then been happy for my friends and celebrated their good news.

you absolutely should go to the wedding. You haven't done anything wrong and should get to celebrate with your other friends. If you don’t go you are setting a precedent for future events where you will be requested not to attend as your friend is going. There is a risk you may be frozen out of the group (this happened to me when I fell with someone in my social group - I gradually wasn’t invited to any events anymore as the other friend wanted to attend. I’m now not in contact with any of them). Just keep your distance, be polite and have a good time!

What do you think she should do? She should go to the wedding, absolutely.

This, is this woman expecting the b&g to keep an eye on all the guests and issue a ban on anyone pregnant attending?

You have been remarkably restrained. Go to the wedding. Your husband is a groomsman and needs you there as his wife.

You are right in that her feelings are very much her own. Feelings are normal. It is how someone responds to those feelings that is important.

No one is saying the friend is wrong for feeling the way she does but she is responsible for her resulting behaviour.

As someone who struggled to conceive, albeit not quite to the extent your friend seems to be, I can understand how upset she might have felt at your news and I could forgive a lukewarm response, particularly as it was a ‘whoops’ baby (all the more hurtful, in many ways!) but I cannot understand or forgive how vile she’s been since. There’s absolutely no excuse to be so nasty and she certainly can’t try to ban you from attending this wedding, that’s so far beyond her ‘remit’ I don’t know where to begin! You’ve done nothing wrong. That’s not to say I don’t have deep sympathy for her pain but she’s taken it too far. Your own pain can’t be an excuse to cause pain to others.

OP, 98% of 1500+ people think you should attend the wedding. I would go with the majority.

She Asked if they were TTc.

So no doubt if the OP had said yes she would have got a barrage of “how dare you TTC when you already have children and you know that I am struggling!” It doesn’t matter what the OP did she would have been in the wrong.

Sorry but people need to get a grip over this. Women are constantly being given a free pass for their behaviour on the basis of their hormones/emotions. It’s hardly surprising that misogyny and sexism towards women is so rife when even women feel they need to be excused on the basis of having PMT/being pregnant/peri/menopausal and in this situation, struggling to conceive. Is there any point in a woman’s life where she shouldn’t be excused because of her hormones?

The woman is a vile human being. That’s all. Doesn’t matter whether it’s because she’s struggling to conceive or not. She’s still a vile human being.

I think it actually does a disservice to excuse behaviour like this in women who are TTC. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s difficult to see other people have things you long for. But when I hear about TTC women being horrible to their friends or cutting people out of their lives when they become pregnant, I can’t help but think it’s incredibly spoiled and selfish. If disabled people started doing this to their friends when they got fit or ran a marathon, just because they themselves can’t, we’d think they were being ludicrous and completely unhinged. It’s fine to need a moment and to maybe even have some distance to deal with the jealousy, but the more we excuse this kind of behaviour as somehow unique to TTC and tiptoe around on eggshells, the more entitled people will feel to act this way.

I've been on both sides of this conversation, desperately wanting a baby and seeing friends getting pregnant left and right, and then being pregnant when someone very close to me was struggling to conceive. It's hard all round. But your friend is clearly fixating her distress on you right now. And she's clearly not making great choices. Which leads me to think she may well continue to make bad choices at the wedding.

They're her choices to make though. In your position I think I would get your DH to speak to her DH one more time, and get him to make it clear you mean no ill will towards her, you don't want a scene at the wedding, because it's your friend's special day, but that you will be there, and she will need to get her head around that.

If you conduct yourself respectfully and keep your distance from her, then it's on her to behave well, not you. You can't be held responsible for someone else's behavior choices, only how you respond to them.

If she tries to start something at the wedding, have a stock phrase to say to allow you to walk away, for example 'I understand you're hurting but let's not cause a scene at x and y's special day'. And try and avoid being alone with her.

If she tries to start something at the wedding, have a stock phrase to say to allow you to walk away, for example 'I understand you're hurting but let's not cause a scene at x and y's special day'. And try and avoid being alone with her.

Yes.

If this woman causes a scene at the wedding, it will be because she has chosen to do so.

Not because the OP is pregnant; not because the OP is there but because she has chosen to.

Agreed,but it’s also not for those who aren’t/don’t struggle to conceive to dictate to those who do how they should feel about it. Their feelings are their feelings. Not defending the woman, but I’ve been there and know how it can make you want to lash out. It’s very possible that by the time of the wedding she will have calmed down and be able to participate in a civilised way.
She can feel how she likes. In private.

She canot dictate to the OP whether she can go to the wedding. If she doesn’t want to see the OP at the wedding then she shouldn’t go.

In fact if it were my wedding and someone started making those kinds of demands I would uninvite them.

You say that she may have calmed down before the wedding, however if the OP pulls out now then the place will be given to someone else so that’s not going to happen is it?

Go to the wedding. I get that she is struggling the way she had gone about this is awful.

Just because someone asks about what's going on in your bedroom you don't need to answer them!

She didn't need to say we've just been shagging for fun and had an accident. She could have said "it's private" and left it at that.

Sadly, I don't think there was any way for you to communicate your pregnancy to this friend that would have been acceptable to her.

Other people having babies while you're struggling to have your own feels awful but it's completely inappropriate to try and control other people's events and ostracise pregnant friends from your friend group.

Infertility is so painful and hard to handle. I tried for years and then was lucky that IVF worked for me. It's so hard to know if sharing my experience with someone struggling is helpful or they will interpret it as yet another yardstick they have failed to meet if they aren't also successful in their first round.

I’d get your dh to talk to hers. He sounds reasonable. Say that you’ll avoid her a much as possible. That him that you are sensitive to her but you can avoid her at mutual future events so you’ll start as you mean to go on. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have sympathy for her or are deliberately trying to upset her.

From bitter, bitter, experience I know that keeping quiet about being treated badly to avoid 'making a scene' never ends well. I would make no secret about what she's being doing and saying.

You've done nothing wrong. I get 100% that your ex friend is suffering but harassing a pregnant woman like this is reprehensible behaviour.

I am not normally one who suggest that you involve men to sort out things but in this case I would contact her dh (either yourself or DH) and tell him that you are attending the wedding, that her behavior is unacceptable and advise him that you will not tolerate anymore awful behavior by her. Honestly, I think she needs some kind of help.

I see your point, I’m not saying I got it 100% right but I was genuinely quite taken aback by her reaction and how angry she was and when she started berating me for not telling her we were TTC and how awful it was that I had listened to her talking about it and hadn’t said a thing, I suppose I was just trying to show her that I hadn’t done the things that she said she was upset about. I can see how that might have made things worse, but it wasn’t intentional and I think no matter what I had said, she would have been angry and upset.

She then told me I was fucking stupid ( I actually do use a long acting contraception, so it was a bit of a surprise tbh- not that it’s relevant), all babies should really be planned as otherwise you aren’t doing everything you should to make sure they are healthy. She also said I would have been drinking before I knew I was pregnant (true) and how would I feel if something is wrong with the baby? Did I really want to keep it, seeing as it was unplanned? I admit I was really upset and angry, that’s when I said I thought she was being really rude and ended the call. I freely admit I perhaps did not respond “perfectly” in terms of being very empathetic and understanding or kind, but I was shocked and upset.

You ex DF is completely unreasonable. Someone needs to tell her this, thought Im sure she knows, she can't manage how she feels about you being pregnant when she can't get pregnant.

Please attend the wedding. This is her problem not yours so dont make it your problem by avoiding celebrating with your real friends x