Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

To the friends saying you should be the bigger person, ask concretely what they suggest.
You are already being the bigger person by accepting to be civil and not pushing for a big apology. But not attending social events would just be ridiculous, surly they will have to agree.

I genuinely never understand why people act like this when they cannot conceive. I lost my lovely mum at a young age and in a brutal way. I have never ever once felt the need to be horroble to people who have their mums, who celebrate mother's day with them, who had their mum's support in their life events etc even although every time felt like my heart was being stabbed. Your friend has shown you who she is. Go to the wedding and ignore the cow

It's apparently too hard for the "friend" who was being absolutely foul, yet you only expect this care from the OP. Anything less than choosing every reply with the "friend" at the centre is baity, accoring to your interpolation (sic).

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are nor wrong, you were not wrong, you should go to the wedding.

She was obviously not telling the truth about why you fell out, you had every right to share your side of the story with your friends.

She has no right to ask you to stay away from the wedding.

I hope your friends manage to find a way to support you and this woman through this without blowing up your friendship group, causing any more hurt or casting a shadow over the wedding.

No matter what you do @jacks11 you are likely to be seen as being in the wrong by some people.

Go to the wedding but avoid her. Maybe ask to be seated on the other side of the room from her etc. That way, if she becomes unpleasant, it's clear it's coming from her.

In your shoes I would avoid her at all costs and make sure that any unpleasantness from her is seen as coming from her and that she has no choice but to own 100%.

In a few weeks it will all be old history. Hopefully you will come out of this with your friendship group intact. You are in a situation not of your own making and designed to make you look awful no matter what you do.

OP would have been told she was in the wrong whatever she did.

"You told her face to face? How cruel! A text would have given her time to absorb the info"
"You told her by email? How cold!"
"You told her by carrier pigeon? What a cruel use of animals..."

A person's true character (specially friends) often come to light in difficult emotional times. Your "friend" abused you for being pregnant because she can't. She is not friend and showed who she really is. Infertility is awful but the big majority of women deal with it without abusing their pregnant friends.

Go to the wedding, be civil and stay away from her. The last thing you want is being near her if she's hell-bent into creating a confrontation with you.

I don’t understand what a hard time you are getting over talking to your 2 friends! Most of the time advice on here is to have a close female support network and not just DH. It’s totally normal to share stuff with close friends.
I personally think you’ve done nothing wrong and this woman’s reaction isn’t at all normal and verging on abusive. I would wonder what she’s like at home with her own DH if she thinks it’s ok to act like this with you.
I’ve had my own struggles with TTC and miscarriage. It’s heart breaking. I still found so much joy in my friend’s babies. One of my friends literally only had to look at her husband and be pregnant. I found it just one of those things in life like friends being prettier than me or richer. Life isn’t fair but it doesn’t mean you take it out on other people.
How will this woman cope with life’s other adversities - parents deaths, or worse? Will she then ban everyone from even mentioning a parent?
Lots of people experience bad things in life including fertility issues. It doesn’t mean they can take it out on others - that is simply just abusive.
I would feel sorry for her pain of TTC but absolutely 0 tolerance in her abusive behaviour. I would go to wedding and avoid her.

Sorry but she isn’t your friend !
Regardless of her struggles to conceive she was rude !
And now she is being dramatic and playing the victim and making u look the villain and it’s working if some mutual friends say let her have the day at the wedding !
Under no circumstances should you be punished by missing out because you have become pregnant !!
I think you sound like a lovely person who handled it with sensitivity which u didn’t have to do tbh ! So hold your head up high and go to the wedding ( I would pull slowly away from this friend )

All the people on this thread who are either A: criticising the OP, or B: defending this awful woman needs to get a grip.

Pregnancy is a fact of life. Sometimes a couple is unable to conceive, and that’s sad for them, but that doesn’t make the fact that babies are conceived and born on a daily basis any less relevant.

It’s not reasonable to expect one of the most important parts of life to be dumbed down just because someone hasn’t been so lucky.

The OP would be perfectly entitled to shout from the rooftops if she wanted. Out of sensitivity to her friend she hasn’t, but people are still criticising.”,? No. She’s done nothing wrong.

If the friend is so sensitive then it’s down to her to stay away.

But more likely she’s just loving the drama.

No wonder the husband wants to stop trying.

What if you didn't attend and then someone else at the wedding turned out to be pregnant? We had a friend who had long struggles with infertility. She travelled to a wedding overseas but ended up not attending because she found out the day before that a pregnant person would be there. After we got married she ended our friendship "because we were likely to have children now". We were very sad, but it was her call. She never demanded that anyone else change their behaviour for her.

I can’t believe there are people trying to defend the friend. It is this level of pandering that makes people like the friend think their behaviour is normal. She is being absolutely horrendous to treat a friend like that. She is vile. People are not nice people just because they have infertility. Infertility happens to vile people too and she is one of them. OP wishing you the best of luck with the pregnancy and hope you can put all this behind you.

Ignore and attend the wedding. What next? Swerve your local shops in case you see her?

She’s being absolutely ridiculous.
We struggled to concieve and plenty of friends fell pregnant during the journey.

i would always smile and congratulate them: they are still entitled to their happiness. (I would then go home and have a wee cry after)

Surely you just say "we agreed to keep it private". Just because she asked you don't need to answer.

I think for me it's telling a woman who has been struggling, that you weren't even trying and it just happened. It just highlights the unfair nature of fertility. Telling her she was pregnant, absolutely not an issue. Telling her that they weren't trying is unnecessary and going to add to the hurt

Obviously your friendship is over. She has behaved atrociously. I'm sure one day she will come to regret it but thats for her to deal with, not you. Of course you should go to the wedding.

But can people stop throwing out insults at all women struggling with fertility. There are plenty of women out there that behave perfectly towards their friends and handle their grief privately.
You dont need to lump them altogether.

Just take a big step back OP. She is in incredible pain and was probably subconsciously looking for someone to take it out on because she is hurting so badly. The best thing you can do for your own mental health is completely disengage with her. Maybe over time she will realise that she was wrong and apologise, but you are not going to help either of you by giving this anymore fuel to the fire.

Definitely go to the wedding, keep as much distance as is physically possible. If she then starts anything it will be clear that she is the one trying to instigate it.

But the "friend" asking if they were trying and then insulting the OP for an unplanned pregnancy was totally necessary and not hurtful?

YANBU at all and she clearly needs help.

I disagree with the posters who said you shouldn't have implied it was an accident and that you shouldn't have told your two close friends what happened.

On the former, it sounds like you were backed into a corner by her and that you handled things as sensitively as you could.

And friends are there to lean on, seek advice etc, of course you can confide in them as long as you're not being bitchy about mutual friends (or anyone really).

This woman is clearly in a lot of pain so, yes give her some slack but you should absolutely go to the wedding. Tell your DH to let her DH know that you will be there and will be graceful and civil and it's up to her if she wants to come or not.

Being the bigger person might be showing forgiveness in time and when she is ready to talk, but it's not missing out on your other friend's wedding and a nice day with your DH.

I don’t understand what a hard time you are getting over talking to your 2 friends! Most of the time advice on here is to have a close female support network and not just DH. It’s totally normal to share stuff with close friends.

Completely agree.

It would also seem that it was quite prudent given that the other woman is now badmouthing her to others. At least there were a couple of friends who knew the OP'a side of it to defend her in her absence.

OP, I would go to the wedding. You have been invited and until and unless the bride and group withdrawn that invitation, your commitment and obligation is to them. Not to someone who is being unpleasant to you. If she can't cope with seeing you at the wedding then that is her decision but she is making demands of you to change to ease her emotional pain and that is the very basis of emotional abuse.

Besides, if you and your friends are all of an age to be getting married and TTC, I'd imagine yours won't be the only pregnancy she will have to contend with in the coming months/years.

Where will these demands end? Will she expect others to put off planning their own lives? Remain childfree?

You are part of a friendship group, but you are all individuals and have your own lives to live. Your pregnancy is not an act of cruelty towards.

As for telling her by text, I've read many threads over the years on this subject and the advice has generally been to do this because it gives the woman time to process the information in her own time.

Her response was awful (although her feelings are understandable). But the reality is that she is angry with the news. The method of delivery is neither here nor there. She just didn't want to hear it at all. So there was no way you could get it right. There was nothing you could have said or done that would have made the news easy for her to hear and I think you did the right thing personally.

It's easy to say that in hindsight but the OP was faced with an angry reaction and an accusation that she didn't tell the friend she was TTC. In the moment, it sounds like the OP handled it sensitively.

It's easy for us to sit here after the event and suggest other ways of responding to the angry friend.

I would imagine given the demographics of weddings that the OP isn't the only pregnant woman there, will this woman be aggressive to everyone of them too? She would be better to protect her feelings and stay away.

I feel for her of course ,She sounds unhinged and ludicrous frankly .How on earth does she operate on a daily basis FFS .No pregnant ladies at work,on the bus whatever .What happens if a another friend gets pregnant ?However she is in terrible pain obv .Maybe just concede this occasion .It may be heartbreaking for her to see you ,Can you ring the bride and explain ? Maybe plan a day out with DM or something to go baby shopping.You dont need extra stress as you are pregnant .If she causes a scene it will upset the poor bride as well

It’s not for the struggling to ttc to decide what constitutes a worthy pregnancy or not.

It wasn’t just a heat of the moment reaction either; she has doubled down on it.

She would not have taken the news well, no matter how it was put to her.

That’s not on OP.